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Feeling fake and "acting" like others

Lottie

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, this is my first post. 

I'm just in the process of finding out things about myself and make sense of things. My therapist thinks I might be on the spectrum due to some of my experiences.

I've been constantly told I was " in my own head" since childhood, I was bullied a lot for it. People would say I was stupid and I was not paying attention. I was always in an imaginary world, either in my head thinking about things I saw/hear during the day or immerse in my favourite books, playing by myself.

I was interested in my book characters but not in my peers and I didn't seem to quite understand why people would want to share time with each other making up games and stories.

I've always felt people spoke a strange language to me and make fun of me because I could not understand it. Sometimes I would even laugh at their jokes about me, because I had learned when people say things and laugh that's a joke and you have to laugh as well. But I could sense somehow it was not a good thing and they were laughing because I did something "wrong".

I've been very lonely and isolated as a child but I've slowly learned you could do things to be accepted, and if you were "quiet" and did not show your self too much you wouldn't draw much attention to yourself.

As a teen I put on tight trousers to fit in despite hating the feeling on my legs, I tried to make myself more "interesting" learning jokes from TV shows and other people and waiting the right time to pop that into the conversation and make others laugh. I learned it was not ok to talk over people and that if someone said "I'm happy because I bought a new bag" it was not ok to take the bag as the main topic and talk for 30 mins about my bag as that made me look uninterested in others.

People complained I never asked how they are, so I learned how to be "empathic" by saying things like "I'm sorry to hear" when they were sad or learned phrases like "it must be tough" but I really just say because that's the right thing to do and sometimes I don't feel really sorry despite I care or more than that ,I don't know what to say as my mind goes blank, or I just take it as a plain information and I don't react.

Conversations are difficult if I don't have a topic to talk about, I feel lost when someone asks "how are you?" Or "what did you do this week? and my mind just goes blank like "what should I say?" I sat on the couch, I've eaten, like the usual..what do you want me to tell exactly? There are so many things, which one should I say? So I try to take example from conversations I've heard.

I feel like a copycat, a fake, like I'm an actor and I'm just saying my lines. Small talk exhausts me to no end as it feels pointless and I'm not good at talking about things I cannot relate to. I could talk hours about something I'm interested in but otherwise I'd rather stay home because the idea of going to a pub and meeting someone I don't know well freaks me out as I have no clue how to get to know them and which questions should I ask and how to establish that connection.

Can anyone relate? Sometimes I just feel so different from everyone like no one gets me like I have a wall between me and others and they can see me but they can never reach me.

My NT partner said she has learned social skills as well and they are not completely "natural" so I'm not sure if my struggles are an ASD thing (I'm not officially diagnosed but I can relate to some people on the spectrum). So I might have just poor social skills, I just feel everyone else can do certain things quite naturally and for me is a lot of effort. How is it for you?

Thanks for reading and sorry that is so long!!

I was just curious of hearing what's your experiences and how you feel about yourself Slight smile

  • Thank you everyone for your replies! 

    I couldn't believe how welcoming are people here and you managed to make me feel less alone just by reading your answers. I feel very close to your experiences and could relate a lot to the answers I read. 

    I'm sorry I'm struggling a little bit with posting because of some personal issues this week, but I will reply to each one and also hope I can post more and support others:)

    But yeah, I just wanted to say thank you so much!!to give me a space to express myself and be so nice to me:)

  • in reply to Max

    As I've got older I think I've learned responses as things have happened to me. I feel my face can be a bit dead pan sometimes which people might take as non judgemental.  Other times they can tell me stuff and I have to remind my face to show some level of empathic response but then I wonder if ive overdone it on the face / tone of voice.

  • Hi Lottie

    I can relate to "being in my own head". I lived in a fantasy world as a child. As for empathy I fake it at times because I feel it's the right thing to do, but often it's not there really. Also I've always felt different to everyone else without knowing why, before being diagnosed with ASD. Also find small talk drains me after a while. Hope this helps.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Yeah, that's the thing, I feel like I can emotionally connect quite easily with people. I do wonder sometimes if I'm an empath because I absorb other people's emotions so strongly. Often I will try to guide conversations away from 'experiences' and towards the emotional or philosophical because I'm more comfortable there.

  • I just read this and created an account because I wanted to say something almost the same.  Masking! So that's the word for it! Thanks so much, Lottie and everyone.  It's been getting a lot harder for me since I got diagnosed, age 59. My whole life spent trying to find a niche in which I could operate. People at times finding me extremely useful. I like to be useful and I end up in the hands of users, takers -always it seems - and then dumped.  I'm cleverer than most but not trained in anything, big mistake.  But the thing for me is sensitivity and being constantly obsessed and overwhelmed by situations, people, ideas, nature. That leads to an enthusiasm and exuberance that not many can accept and is easily misread.  That leads people to ignore me. you say you 'splintered' and that it is not sustainable in the long term - I definitely agree with that.  I read the term 'Autism Burnout' to describe that breakdown. I arrived at a point where no-one takes me seriously because they want the masked version back, so my 'friend' count is a return to zero.  I think that is the natural status quo for me.  I have to say it is confirmed every time I meet someone!  But the OP asks if this is ASD.  It sounds like a yes but I wonder about all the titles we use sometimes.  I'm sure I would get OCD as a diagnosis as well as ASD and probably a few traits that indicate other personality disorders for sure.  Bizarrely I feel kind of lucky. (everyone else is missing everything!)

  • Firstly, hi and welcome. I'm new here too - thanks for sharing this about yourself, I found it really helpful to hear from someone who sounds so similar to the way I am.

    Reading this post was like someone reading my mind and perfectly describing exactly how I feel.

    I've found I'm only really able to maintain friendships with people where I have pretty strong shared hobbies or interests. As you say, I'm also able to do these things others do but completely learned and masking how I really am.

  • I also echo the "masking" comments. You are not alone at all, and I think mostly everyone, even people not on the spectrum, are doing this to some degree. We are all "actors in our own story of life".

    In my mind, I almost think of it as my brain is a huge database and I mentally create emulation programmes all compiled from life experiences. Then, depending on where I am or whom I am with, I would "emulate" and "pretend" or act as most appropriately as I can. Unfortunately, when something goes awry, my maladaptive coping is to panic and scare myself to retreat. I, like many others, are constantly working on controlling anxiety and try not to lose self-control. I've only more recently in my life began learning how to be more authentic with myself, and in turn transfers to my interactions with others. Unfortunately, all very slow and takes time. Story of all of our lives!

  • in reply to Max
    Max said:
    Its hard to really show too much interest in other people's interests or life experiences if I myself haven't had them.

    Same. 

    For me, learning a bit about compassion has helped me relate to others. I think if I can get to the empathy stage, that's enough for me. But yes it depends how close people are as well.

  • in reply to Max

    keep up practising at socialising. u will get better at it 

  • A lot of that resonates with me. I've tried to stop mimicking, and more specifically doing all I can to stop chasing approval from others and it's a very long, lonely path to tread when it's all you've ever done. But I do feel more 'me' these days, even if this version doesn't have as many friends - if you can call them that.

    Its hard to really show too much interest in other people's interests or life experiences if I myself haven't had them. But I do anyway, because I think connecting with people is really vitally important to a) growing as a human being and b) broadening my horizons. 

    Often its too much of a stretch, but I try to make the effort if it's someone whose company I really value.

  • Talk to your NT partner about going through some of the skills she has learnt and get her to teah your them and coach u for a while to do them in real situations.

    your lack of, and anxiety about your, social skills  is common in autistic people.

  • I feel all of this! I used to take issue with being 'inauthentic' until I realised my authentic self did want to engage with others in kind and thoughtful ways. If using a script was a way for someone to receive what felt to them like a meaningful heartfelt invested response, then 

    There's a few parts to this! From what I've read and looked into, one is that when NTs tell others to 'Be Authentic' they don't actually mean it. They want a Fantasy Authentic Self: virtuous confessionals, fleeting moments of crumbling togetherness. Haha. It's all drama. So, I've decided this whole notion is silly to begin with. Now it's just a fun form of improv that somedays I might be too exhausted to play, but others can join in, so I'm careful with my social engagements.

    Second, Kant suggested that dilligence and making the effort out of a Duty were worth-while and far more ethical than doing/saying a thing only when you 'felt' it. I agree 100%! Deciding to say a thing that another will want to hear or easily recieve is a considerate way of extending graciousness to another. Even if it's a script, it's a small act of kindness. I think ideally, the more I've spent time attempting to align my actions/feelings and words, the more I've found that I'd rather have someone view me as trustworthy. In difficult situations, I try to remember that I might not have all the elements or context to make a valid conclusion. I like to afford others their 'moment' and actively try to keep the conversation on them only talking about my expereince if they ask.

    From a matter of creating healthy boundraies, it's a complete relief to not have to be invested in too many others. We can accidentally be SO authentic that NTs treat this as intimacy and suddenly you find yourself with too many 'friends'. That's exhausting. I have 2 close friends who I feel understood by and that's more than anyone can ask for.

    As for Actors, I once heard Meryl Streep express that her job was to authentically covey a story. She wasn't just acting but the script was her medium. Like the radio is the medium to convey a song. That changed my perspective as well on all this. And this was long before I knew what Autism even was! 

    I say jump in!! Making the effort makes you a kind human - I've even actively sought out improv techniques to add to my internal scripts. :) 

  • Welcome to the forum , I can relate to a lot of what you said, I can be standing with someone and my mind is just going "what do I say" and there is absolutely nothing there.  I even took a post as an instructor in the hope that would improve my social skills but it did nothing.

  • Yes I can relate to a lot of what you say, in particular open questions such as what have you been  up to? are too vague. I've learned this is not an exchange of information but opening up a conversation.

    Yes other people have to learn. Although I'd say how much does it tax their brain on a daily basis and/or how much anxiety does it give them? Two people outwardly presenting as the same doesn't account for what goes on under the surface.

  • Masking is so unbelievably common for those on the spectrum, it’s just not understood by most of those who aren’t. I’ve also spent my life up to this point splintering into 1000 different versions of myself to suit others and to ‘fit in’ as best as possible. It’s not sustainable though in the long term, the core person deep down is crying out to be accepted and understood. No one should have to be anything other than themselves, but it’s a part of a lot of peoples autism experience, that together with mimicking others as you mentioned too. The combination together have been a survival package up until this point, without them.. I wouldn’t have got anywhere. But I know now at nearly 30, I don’t want to exist like that anymore, I want to discover who I actually am inside.. and be that until the last day I’m here.