Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

For me the final diagnosis was a relief. After years of being passed from pillar to post, treating the effects, but never looking at the cause. Although in fairness, there was some childhood stuff that complicated the situation. I have found post diagnosis a bit of a rollercoaster. Coming to terms with who I am now, but also who I’ve always actually been and who I could have been if I’d been diagnosed earlier. All a bit futile really, but part of my journey I suppose.

Hi Riddler,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I hope that it gets easier for you in time.  From reading about other people's experiences, it sounds like many people go through the stage of wondering how life could have been different if they had known earlier.  I am thinking about this myself (but still waiting for diagnosis, so not fully processing it yet).  At the moment I feel ambivalent.  On the one hand, I think that a lot of emotional pain could have been avoided if I had known earlier.   Also, perhaps I would have found a way to be more successful in my life and relationships (I've never had a long-term relationship).  But on the other hand, perhaps it was good that I didn't have any reason to think that I couldn't do things that other people can do.  I wouldn't have wanted to feel that I was limited by a condition.  (If I am autistic, I still wouldn't want to feel limited by it, and I would still want to have the same hopes and dreams as before.  But perhaps you know what I mean.)

If you feel like sharing this, how do you think life would have been different if you had known earlier?  (If you don't feel like sharing this, no problem.)  I'd also be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.

It's hard to know for sure. I struggled at school for many reasons, but partly because I felt I just didn't get it! I didn't understand the rules, I don't think I learn in the same way that you're expected to, I found friendships difficult and hard to come by. It didn't help that I was quite an angry kid because of the abuse at home. Therefore if someone wouldn't play with me or do what I wanted, I just beat them up, broke their stuff. Probably a cry for help in a lot of ways, but it was the 80's. Nobody gave a ***!

When I got to secondary though I decided to calm down and try and get on. Partly because I was alarmed to discover that I had some sort of reputation so all the tough kids from other primaries were waiting to seek me out. I found it odd. I knew I didn't hit other kids because I enjoyed it, but I couldn't quite explain why.

Now I think I'm relatively clever. Not extensively educated, but I can hold my own and adapt quite easily. In secondary years my Dad had remarried the stereotypical Disney Evil Stepmother. Her way to help me with reading and maths, for example, was to stand over my shoulder and smack me around the head every time I made a mistake. It doesn't exactly endear you to learning, being hit and told your stupid.

To get back to the point though, I can't help think that if someone had taken the time to ask why I wasn't getting it, why I only had one friend and never really went out, a lot of those things that could be seen as early signs, things could have been different. Like I say, I'm clever in my own way and have learnt to adapt and manipulate the world so I can survive and thrive in my own portion of the world. I just have this niggling feeling I could have gone a little bit further or things could have been a little bit easier, if I'd known earlier.

At the same time though, I realise it hasn't been a straight forward diagnosis. I have self referred and largely self funded, almost 20 years of therapy to get the this point. No one can deny there was a lot of childhood stuff to address and sort out. Again though, is it chicken or the egg! Did childhood stuff happen because I was undiagnosed, which then clouded the path to diagnosis, or was that stuff always going to happen regardless and therefore the journey is what the journey was (sounding a bit like Forest Gump)

Ponder on me thinks, but I'm happy now and feel privileged to be part of this community.

i had a likewise have a long list of unexplained names  :)

i had a likewise have a long list of unexplained names  :)