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New diagnosis and relationships

Paris

Hi Everyone, I'm looking for some advice as I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and if I'm honest, my partner of 3 years is finding it difficult to adjust to having a partner with diagnosed Autism.

It's a strange one because I didn't know I had Autism when we initially met and although there have been issues (for example, me not being able to 'handle' arguments / shouting) and having some difficulty communicating thought processes / intentions for certain things, on the whole I felt that we have a typical relationship.

Based on talks we have had since my diagnosis a few weeks ago, I think that they are struggling with the fact that now I have been diagnosed, they know that the difficulties won't ever "go away" and also, I think on some level they are struggling to see me as the same person I was before the diagnosis and now having an "Autistic girlfriend" as opposed to just a "girlfriend". There are also some difficulties around me coming across in a childlike manner sometimes as I must admit, in social situations (especially relationships), I can be quite naïve to certain things and I know it can be difficult to sexualise someone or be sexually/ romantically attractive to someone coming across in this way - not that I am meaning to but I know they are now struggling with this. 

Another thing that has been mentioned is that I seem "more autistic" now that before my diagnosis however this could just be that more things are being noticed and are being given a label which has made them appear more prominent as I don't feel I have changed as a person. This is quite... upsetting for me as I can for the most part understand where my partner is coming from however I am also facing the fact that things I work really hard to manage on a day to day will never get easier because I can't change my brain. 

I understand that this wasn't the outcome they were hoping for as initially I went to be assessed for Dyspraxia and it turned out that I have both.

If I'm honest, it's making me regret getting a diagnosis and is making me just dislike myself more - I really want my relationship to work but I don't even know where to start because I feel like me just essentially being is annoying to them now all because of the diagnosis and I just feel guilty. Unfortunately it's made me feel as though I need to just be quiet all of the time so I don't say the wrong thing, or as though if I flirt / banter like I usually would with them, they will just cringe and see the ASD and not me as a person? I know this all may sound very offensive and I can only apologise if it does as that is not at all my intention.

I just want to know what I can do to help them see me as ME again and not my Autism and also how to see myself that way again too?

Any help or advice would be brilliant.

Parents

  • Hi Paris

    Your autism diagnosis has destabilised your partner.    They had a model of you and your behaviours as just being you - but their overall life-plan was making lots of assumptions about you - that you were 'normal'.

    Now they have information that you are 'different', it's messing with their mind,     You are exactly the same as you were but they now don't know what they are dealing with-  it's almost like a cancer diagnosis - they don't know what a life with you might really mean to them.     There's also the mental-issue of maybe having to explain your 'quirks' to others and them feeling sorry for them or you - as though you are now suddenly 'less human'.

    How do their family feel about you?    Are they pressurising your partner to dump you as you're too much hassle?

  • in reply to Plastic

    This makes a lot of sense  - I find myself just wanting to scream at them "I'm still me and i'm still here" but for some reason it feels like they are slowly going off of me. This might sound big-headed but I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am very self-sufficient so it isn't like they have to adjust - I have had to accept that arguments in relationships and shouting sometimes is completely normal and healthy so I have never asked them to stop that or to change that because it would be unrealistic to expect that from them.

    All I have asked (which I way before our relationship) is that if they do end up shouting or arguing, just to give me a few moments to compose myself / to expect the only response I can give to that.

    Their family has been amazing and treat me exactly the same (which is what I wanted) and I have always felt like a part of their family too. They have literally just said that a label means nothing as I am still me and I wish my partner had the same mentality. I've even said that this wouldn't stop me from still being a capable parent in the future (something we have always planned) and I'm still self sufficient so it's not like they have ever been responsible for me - I just don't understand how it's affected their view of me so much when I am still the same person and I am just scared it will ruin our relationship. It's like I have to make them fall for me all over again but I am at a disadvantage as I can't change the one thing they don't seem to like?

  • in reply to Paris

    It's a lot for them to adjust to - they are probably thinking about the future - kids, marriage etc. - and do they see you as liability or an equal.   

    How long did it take for you to accept your diagnosis?      Your partner might just need a bit longer to make their mind up.     Unfortunately, you can't tell if they *really* accept you or will they be looking to bail when the first viable excuse crops up?     (or if someone more suitable comes along).        There's probably a lot of trust issues going through their mind.

Reply
  • in reply to Paris

    It's a lot for them to adjust to - they are probably thinking about the future - kids, marriage etc. - and do they see you as liability or an equal.   

    How long did it take for you to accept your diagnosis?      Your partner might just need a bit longer to make their mind up.     Unfortunately, you can't tell if they *really* accept you or will they be looking to bail when the first viable excuse crops up?     (or if someone more suitable comes along).        There's probably a lot of trust issues going through their mind.

Children
  • in reply to Paris

    Ditsy is difficult to measure - and everyone has their own foibles so it's just part of you. 

    I think it's going to be harder because you're in a young relationship - you don't have the mileage of a long-term marriage behind you where whatever diagnosis of either that randomly pops up are just another obstacle of life to tackle together.

    Dumb question - might your partner be on the spectrum too - and are they shocked by a bit of a realisation?    A penny-drop time.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Also, sorry, to answer your question, they always saw me as just quite..."ditsy" and sometimes naïve around certain things. As this is the only relationship i've ever been with / partner I have lived with, it has always just been attributed to that and the fact that I am a bit air-headed sometimes so I forget things and can be clumsy (part of the Dyspraxia as we now know). 

    In fact, I am more the one in the relationship to be 'looking after' them and helping them stay organised with their daily life so i've never been seen as a liability or not as an equal.

  • in reply to Plastic

    I can imagine - I haven't even properly adjusted to it but as they were encouraging me to get a diagnosis, they are the last person I thought would have trouble adjusting as it was almost as if they expected it to be the case.

    Really I thought that they would be the one person that helped me to accept it but now it's like I have to convince them and myself that I am still 'normal'. I don't really know what to do but I can honestly say that I don't like myself very much at the moment and I feel very guilty.

    We have lived together for a year now as well so it's not like we don't have a solid foundation (I just thought this counted for more than it seems to right now).