Unmasking experience

This is one of the aspects of ASC that puzzles me the most. I'm not sure whether I mask at all.

I was certainly an unusual kid. My school reports are full of references to "not mixng", pathetic performance in games and unusual reactions to people and things.

I was bullied quite badly and it caused playground meltdowns. Our head teacher said it was my fault "because I wouldn't be like the other kids" and actually I needed "a good slap". I was 11. But something in me knew that not only did I not want to be "like the other kids", 'cos they were pretty vile, but there was nothing wrong with me as I was and you don't punish some one for being bullied, but rather the bully. It was agonising at the time, but I think my strong belief in social justice and willingness to stand up for others is rooted in that experience. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 

Maybe the fact that I never compromised is what enabled me to make friends and be sociable later. I only had real friends from 6th form onward, but I gravitated to the kindred spirits; the tolerant hippy types, the quirky and the off beat personalities of all sorts (actually a couple I wouldn't be surprised if they also were auties) and there I found acceptance. I sometimes don't get the jokes or keep up with multiple conversational threads, or miss the cues, but my true friends have never asked me to be anything other than I am. Sometimes my total lack of social inhibition will have me be the brave one in situations the NTs worry about, even if I'm a bit gauche - basically because I don't care what strangers think. And they know I'm the one to ask if you want a straight answer.

BUT, I do wonder how many of the little social scripts I do use,  I've acquired by observance along the way. Possibly, TV heroes mostly. I definately analyse my way to understanding what others want. I don't always get it right. Certainly, I've explicitly taught myself to read body language. I was a trainer. I had to. Panning the class for signs of discomfort while simultaneously delivering a lesson is exhausting, but worth while. Is that masking???? Or just a conscious effort and a lot of hard work, to meet the needs of others and be a good communicator, because I believed in the end goal.

Do ALL people with autism mask to some extent? Am I doing it sometimes, even if I think I'm not? Don't know. I'll be interested in the other responses to this one.

This is one of the aspects of ASC that puzzles me the most. I'm not sure whether I mask at all.

I was certainly an unusual kid. My school reports are full of references to "not mixng", pathetic performance in games and unusual reactions to people and things.

I was bullied quite badly and it caused playground meltdowns. Our head teacher said it was my fault "because I wouldn't be like the other kids" and actually I needed "a good slap". I was 11. But something in me knew that not only did I not want to be "like the other kids", 'cos they were pretty vile, but there was nothing wrong with me as I was and you don't punish some one for being bullied, but rather the bully. It was agonising at the time, but I think my strong belief in social justice and willingness to stand up for others is rooted in that experience. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 

Maybe the fact that I never compromised is what enabled me to make friends and be sociable later. I only had real friends from 6th form onward, but I gravitated to the kindred spirits; the tolerant hippy types, the quirky and the off beat personalities of all sorts (actually a couple I wouldn't be surprised if they also were auties) and there I found acceptance. I sometimes don't get the jokes or keep up with multiple conversational threads, or miss the cues, but my true friends have never asked me to be anything other than I am. Sometimes my total lack of social inhibition will have me be the brave one in situations the NTs worry about, even if I'm a bit gauche - basically because I don't care what strangers think. And they know I'm the one to ask if you want a straight answer.

BUT, I do wonder how many of the little social scripts I do use,  I've acquired by observance along the way. Possibly, TV heroes mostly. I definately analyse my way to understanding what others want. I don't always get it right. Certainly, I've explicitly taught myself to read body language. I was a trainer. I had to. Panning the class for signs of discomfort while simultaneously delivering a lesson is exhausting, but worth while. Is that masking???? Or just a conscious effort and a lot of hard work, to meet the needs of others and be a good communicator, because I believed in the end goal.

Do ALL people with autism mask to some extent? Am I doing it sometimes, even if I think I'm not? Don't know. I'll be interested in the other responses to this one.

I didn't realise I masked until I read about AS and identified with it. Even now, after 4 years of having the lightbulb moment to having a diagnosis earlier this year, I still don't fully understand it. Although I'm noticing it more when I do it. I just accept its part of who I am if I want to move in "NT" circles (ie have a job). You have to chooose your battles (ie choose your masking situations) as I realise how much energy it takes, and build in recovery time. There are also differnet types of masking. There's a Yo Samdy Sam youtube video about it which is interesting. I think some of my choices in life reflect that I have always known I have difficulties in some areas. This is another type of masking. I feel actually like i have a good sense of self which is what helped me realise I could be on the spectrum, go for an assessment, accept the outcome and work with suggestions in the report. It's a constant state of self-development. I would also say that perhaps the role models I've had in my life (family and friends) have been excellent. My friends are quite unconventional.

It's easier to mask when you are not tired and having a good day. So it's always a fluid situation!