Autistic Catatonia v shutdown: I need some help

RE: Shutdown

You are describing my life for the last 5 years (substitute alcoholic husband for a wife with profound mental health issues).

When my wife goes to stay with her sister, I spend the first 2-3 days in chemically assisted "relaxation" and then sober up and start to feel my old self again... first perhaps the dishes, maybe a load of washing. The next day I might pick up one of my long forgotten interests or projects. After a week, I may even be able to call my friend or brother for the first time in months.

I suggest you firmly ask your husband to piss off for somewhere for 2 weeks and see how you feel... if you feel good after the initial "don't know what to do with myself" period, I kindly suggest you will have to make some difficult decisions.

RE: Alcoholism

My limited, but intense, personal experience with alcoholics is that:

• a "functional alcholic" is not nearly as functional as they appear - especially compared to before they started drinking too much
• the problem gets worse if left untreated
• it's extremely difficult to avoid enabling an alcholic loved one while you live with them (google "enabling alcoholic" if you're not familiar with the term)

An alcoholic in your life can be damaging on many levels - not least of which is the trauma of watching a loved one slowly kill themselves.

You are right of course. I have asked him to leave, (It was ME that bought the house), three times. He refuses to go. But yes, I know it would help pick me up just to have the feeling that cleaning and organisational efforts were not in vain. And yes, I know you shouldn't "enable" them. But if I don't pick up the debris and solve the problems, the only one who will suffer is me. He won't even notice. It's such a shame, I'm losing the one I love the most - not to another woman; he'd never do that, but to beer, right when I need him the most.

But I do also know it's an illness and in asking for the very basics of a decent life, I'm asking for something he can't give. 

Meanwhile, I've no clue how to get up off the floor when I'm being driven half way crazy with the sensory issues and medical phobias, only to face more mess and problems to sort. :-(

Do I need to warn "harsh truths below" on an Autistic forum? Or does it go without saying?

NB: Just to be clear I am not an expert in substance abuse - this is just based on my experience.

I wasn't really suggesting you ask him to leave permanently (yet)... just encourage him to give you a two week respite break. I think this will give you some clarity to make some tough decisions that you are currently too anxious and worn down to make.

Can he go on a fishing/beer drinking trip? Stay with friends or family? Rent a room above a pub?

Going to get pissed somewhere else for a week or two doesn't seem like a big ask for someone who "loves you to bits".

However to me it sounds like typical alcholic behaviour. Alcoholics number one priority is the next drink - they will lie through their teeth and manipulate everyone around them to ensure they can keep drinking - no matter the cost.

He is extremely unlikely to get help for his addiction before he feels the full impact of the harm he is causing to himself and you. Most alcholics need to hit "rock bottom" before they seek help. This will just not happen whilst you enable him to merrily carry on drinking in the house whilst you pick up the pieces and suffer.

Please do google further on "enabling alcoholic".

If I were you, I would bypass the long and painful decent into madness and skip straight to the part where he is forced to choose between you and never drinking again (once a drunk...).

Even if he does choose you, it will be easier on you both to live seperately until he has conquered his demons.

Finally - no matter what - you are not to blame for his alcholism. This is 100% his issue.

Thank you for trying to help. Sadly, because of the nature of my issues I really can't access any health care with out him. I can't get in the room or talk to them or absorb anything said. Without him to mediate in the constant meltdown and shutdown in medical situations - and he is good at that - it just ends up with everyone shouting at me or they abandon what they were supposed to be doing because they don't understand what's going on. It not that he tries to convince me I need him and I'm sure he wishes I didn't. The stress is causing him to want to drown the problem.

I actually hate being dependant on anyone for anything. With every other thing in life, I've always managed entirely alone.

I think I need to find another way to help myself out of the inertia, and out of the dependence on his help, but I don't know how just now. Then, I know what to do about the booze.

It's to the alcholics advantage to make you believe you are co-dependent.

Dawn said:

It's a shame I'm poorly and therefore dependent on him in other ways. I can't go to a medical appointment or otherwise get any health care at all without him.

I'm sorry but you are not dependent on him to get health care - the NHS and/or council have a duty to ensure you get the care you need - including transport to/from appointments if required.

When my wife can't leave the house she has eConsults, phone & video consultations with the GP and a myriad of other specialists. There is a home phlebotomy service for blood tests. The duty psychiatrist from the local mental health intervention team will do house calls when it gets dire. etc.

Your GP can help you with these sort of things.

Dawn said:

My health problems make his drinking worse.

If your health problems went away today, hand on heart, do you think he would stop drinking? He is the reason he drinks, and it will continue until he gets treatment.

Dawn said:

If he left, I'd exchange one set of problems for another.

Yes - and almost certainly those problems are more tractable than dealing with a selfish drunk who is driving you insane (really - he is taking away your ability to think rationally).

Even if they are not more tractable, without the drunk you will be less anxious/catatonic and your brain will be in much better position to deal with the new problems.

I suggest writing down both sets of problems so you can try and figure out which set is worse. If they are just circling around in your head they may appear worse than they are. Post the biggest problems here and the kind NAS community may be able to offer advice.

Dawn said:

It's so sad.

This we agree.

Dawn said:

But I can't get well unless he helps me

This we do NOT.

You are so right. I know that.

It's a shame I'm poorly and therefore dependent on him in other ways. I can't go to a medical appointment or otherwise get any health care at all without him.

It's a double bind. My health problems make his drinking worse. His drinking make my health problems worse. If he left, I'd exchange one set of problems for another.

It's so sad. If I were well, I know what to do: tell him I love him, but it's the booze or me. But I can't get well unless he helps me, and I can get well while his drink hinders me. The timing just sucks.

You are so right. I know that.

It's a shame I'm poorly and therefore dependent on him in other ways. I can't go to a medical appointment or otherwise get any health care at all without him.

It's a double bind. My health problems make his drinking worse. His drinking make my health problems worse. If he left, I'd exchange one set of problems for another.

It's so sad. If I were well, I know what to do: tell him I love him, but it's the booze or me. But I can't get well unless he helps me, and I can get well while his drink hinders me. The timing just sucks.

Thank you for trying to help. Sadly, because of the nature of my issues I really can't access any health care with out him. I can't get in the room or talk to them or absorb anything said. Without him to mediate in the constant meltdown and shutdown in medical situations - and he is good at that - it just ends up with everyone shouting at me or they abandon what they were supposed to be doing because they don't understand what's going on. It not that he tries to convince me I need him and I'm sure he wishes I didn't. The stress is causing him to want to drown the problem.

I actually hate being dependant on anyone for anything. With every other thing in life, I've always managed entirely alone.

I think I need to find another way to help myself out of the inertia, and out of the dependence on his help, but I don't know how just now. Then, I know what to do about the booze.

It's to the alcholics advantage to make you believe you are co-dependent.

Dawn said:

It's a shame I'm poorly and therefore dependent on him in other ways. I can't go to a medical appointment or otherwise get any health care at all without him.

I'm sorry but you are not dependent on him to get health care - the NHS and/or council have a duty to ensure you get the care you need - including transport to/from appointments if required.

When my wife can't leave the house she has eConsults, phone & video consultations with the GP and a myriad of other specialists. There is a home phlebotomy service for blood tests. The duty psychiatrist from the local mental health intervention team will do house calls when it gets dire. etc.

Your GP can help you with these sort of things.

Dawn said:

My health problems make his drinking worse.

If your health problems went away today, hand on heart, do you think he would stop drinking? He is the reason he drinks, and it will continue until he gets treatment.

Dawn said:

If he left, I'd exchange one set of problems for another.

Yes - and almost certainly those problems are more tractable than dealing with a selfish drunk who is driving you insane (really - he is taking away your ability to think rationally).

Even if they are not more tractable, without the drunk you will be less anxious/catatonic and your brain will be in much better position to deal with the new problems.

I suggest writing down both sets of problems so you can try and figure out which set is worse. If they are just circling around in your head they may appear worse than they are. Post the biggest problems here and the kind NAS community may be able to offer advice.

Dawn said:

It's so sad.

This we agree.

Dawn said:

But I can't get well unless he helps me

This we do NOT.