Autistic Catatonia v shutdown: I need some help

Could you start off with a small to do list i.e. a couple of things that are easy to do, when you complete them you may be so glad that you just carry on?

I try. But the jobs are just growing faster than I can try.

This would work for me alone. I've taken that approach before. But I can't do it in the face of someone creating them quicker than I can do them. It's been one step forward and three back to the point I can't even try any more.

The truth might be that however much I love, and am dependent, on my husband, I need to ask him to leave unless and until he can put down the booze. But I haven't the strength to go through that trauma.

Clearly your hubby has his own problems to battle too. Not least of which, he has an Auitistic wife who "shuts down" form time to time. (It's a little harsh but true if you think about it, and an equitable solution will require both of you to make changes, or quit teh relationship, and seek relationships that work better)

When I first got my diagnosis I offered to leave, because frankly it wasn't what I sold my partner when we started, we aren't married, and it seemed a fair thing to do. We were not getting on very well, and now I knew I was unlikely to prevail, without assistance which she is unable to give me, and which I NEED in order to function acceptably (I.E. not like a depressed hobo, with a machinery fetish) I also privately elected to leave anyway if things did not improve, but to make damn sure that they did.

Defining the areas where genuinely I am unable to function as expected helped enormously, to reduce HER frustration as well as my own. Improving and building on my strengths, and frankly pointing them out occasionally added value to me in her eyes now she wasn't just seeing the failures. The relationship is still not as joyful as I want it to be, but at least the arguments have reduced in severity and are MUCH less protracted, and we are starting to work together and understand each other a bit more. But the temptation to "give in to the diagnosis" is a new an unpleasant price to pay for the improvements I have so far wrought... 

Thank you.

I'm not Christian, but I do have a faith and I do throw it out to the Divine. But I'm not quite able to engage in prayer and meditation the way I used to before the trauma. Maybe it's part of the PTSD. I do think I'm heard though, I keep getting little clues to understand this. The Angels have brought me a long way in that regard.

My husband doesn't do any "male" stuff either.  I can't carry both roles for two people when I'm vulnerable and need a little bit of care myself. It's the drink and I can't help him with that unless he wants to be helped, sadly. He's my oldest friend and I'd never want a divorse, but I do think that there will be a time when he needs to leave and live elsewhere. It might only be at that point that he might turn it around. It'll be a gamble. 

You are right I think about the underlying causes. It's not psycho-babble at all. It's very insightful.  But that will only help when he wants it to. However much I love him I can't save him from himself. I can only pray he realises before I lose him anyway to health impacts of the booze.

Meanwhile, dealing with it is standing in the way of my attempts to help myself. And I need to be better to deal with this. Bit of a vicious circle really. I know I need order, space and time to heal and I'm not really getting the first two. 

I just have to trust that there's some other support for me round the corner to help me pick myself up off the floor and pray I don't slip into total shut down from the world while I try. 

In this sort of situation, I am not above asking GOD for a bit of help to "see the way". Along with asking myself "what would Jesus do" I then usually get some help.  

And since God helps those who help themselves I usually then start working the problems myself whilst waiting for the divine inspiration. When I get what I need I can thus ascribe it both to god and my own efforts depending on how atheist I am feeling.

I've a feeling that the self harming types of habits, excessive drinking, drugs, sex, work, buying, drugs etc. all stem form a wish to punish ourselves for our perceived failings, or secret guilt, and we disguise them as pleasure seeking because we can't face the truth of our situations. That may be psycho-babble, but I've been trying quiet hard to get to the roots of my own addictions, and there's always a sense of cowardly misery as I dog away at myself, and I think I see it in the actions of those similarily afflicted. When people talk about the concept of Christian salvation, they mean a freeing up from these sorts of feelings. 

Unfortunately the feelings of guilt or failure can have been placed by external agencies (apparently the process is really quick) so the tragedy of people wounding themselves is further amplified by the chimeric nature of their drives. 

The point I'm trying to make is that genuine help can be derived form religious teachings, over which many lifetimes were spent by "specialists" sometimes really trying to get the things right, and they are an underused resource these days.

You seem to know really what you may need to do, finding the kindest way to do it with the least amount of collateral damage may well be your only option.

On the other hand if you can help your partner find a happy alternative to being a slave to chemistry, and maybe even stimulate the male urge to "solve all problems and provide" a different solution could be found? I know it's a very very unpopular idea now, but traditional male female roles evolved over time and not entirely for the benefit of the males as some would have you believe... Maybe out of sight of the neighbours you could try some of that. You sound like you can do the trad female stuff very well, can he work and do DIY? Happiness for some couples is found by ignoring the zeitgeist and just living like your grandparents did.

You have a husband, many don't. Some women see their husband as a resource, or a possession or a life partner, or soulmate, often it rotates over time.

You may not have the strength to help yourself right now, but you may be able to help him. LEAN on those marriage vows. Working together, you have a better chance than working alone as two individuals. But it may be your guy will need to see that sustaining his alcoholism, will cost him more than it currently does. 

Nasty problem to have, especially because you are married...You do seem to have a lot of gumption, so I'm sure you'll find a solution.  

In this sort of situation, I am not above asking GOD for a bit of help to "see the way". Along with asking myself "what would Jesus do" I then usually get some help.  

And since God helps those who help themselves I usually then start working the problems myself whilst waiting for the divine inspiration. When I get what I need I can thus ascribe it both to god and my own efforts depending on how atheist I am feeling.

I've a feeling that the self harming types of habits, excessive drinking, drugs, sex, work, buying, drugs etc. all stem form a wish to punish ourselves for our perceived failings, or secret guilt, and we disguise them as pleasure seeking because we can't face the truth of our situations. That may be psycho-babble, but I've been trying quiet hard to get to the roots of my own addictions, and there's always a sense of cowardly misery as I dog away at myself, and I think I see it in the actions of those similarily afflicted. When people talk about the concept of Christian salvation, they mean a freeing up from these sorts of feelings. 

Unfortunately the feelings of guilt or failure can have been placed by external agencies (apparently the process is really quick) so the tragedy of people wounding themselves is further amplified by the chimeric nature of their drives. 

The point I'm trying to make is that genuine help can be derived form religious teachings, over which many lifetimes were spent by "specialists" sometimes really trying to get the things right, and they are an underused resource these days.

You seem to know really what you may need to do, finding the kindest way to do it with the least amount of collateral damage may well be your only option.

On the other hand if you can help your partner find a happy alternative to being a slave to chemistry, and maybe even stimulate the male urge to "solve all problems and provide" a different solution could be found? I know it's a very very unpopular idea now, but traditional male female roles evolved over time and not entirely for the benefit of the males as some would have you believe... Maybe out of sight of the neighbours you could try some of that. You sound like you can do the trad female stuff very well, can he work and do DIY? Happiness for some couples is found by ignoring the zeitgeist and just living like your grandparents did.

You have a husband, many don't. Some women see their husband as a resource, or a possession or a life partner, or soulmate, often it rotates over time.

You may not have the strength to help yourself right now, but you may be able to help him. LEAN on those marriage vows. Working together, you have a better chance than working alone as two individuals. But it may be your guy will need to see that sustaining his alcoholism, will cost him more than it currently does. 

Nasty problem to have, especially because you are married...You do seem to have a lot of gumption, so I'm sure you'll find a solution.  

Thank you.

I'm not Christian, but I do have a faith and I do throw it out to the Divine. But I'm not quite able to engage in prayer and meditation the way I used to before the trauma. Maybe it's part of the PTSD. I do think I'm heard though, I keep getting little clues to understand this. The Angels have brought me a long way in that regard.

My husband doesn't do any "male" stuff either.  I can't carry both roles for two people when I'm vulnerable and need a little bit of care myself. It's the drink and I can't help him with that unless he wants to be helped, sadly. He's my oldest friend and I'd never want a divorse, but I do think that there will be a time when he needs to leave and live elsewhere. It might only be at that point that he might turn it around. It'll be a gamble. 

You are right I think about the underlying causes. It's not psycho-babble at all. It's very insightful.  But that will only help when he wants it to. However much I love him I can't save him from himself. I can only pray he realises before I lose him anyway to health impacts of the booze.

Meanwhile, dealing with it is standing in the way of my attempts to help myself. And I need to be better to deal with this. Bit of a vicious circle really. I know I need order, space and time to heal and I'm not really getting the first two. 

I just have to trust that there's some other support for me round the corner to help me pick myself up off the floor and pray I don't slip into total shut down from the world while I try.