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Married to undiagnosed Husband

NAS73624

Hi.

I'm here because I'd like to talk to people in a similar situation or in a relationship with someone who's brain works differently from theirs.

I have struggled on and off for years with my husband and how cold he can be. He doesn't communicate as I would expect and always thinks I'm criticising (even when I'm making suggestions).  We have been having married counselling and it has become apparent that he has a lot of Aspergers traits that suddenly make our whole relationship make so much more sense. I've been doing lots of research into how it can present and I'm 99% sure that's what our communication issue is.

He is burying his head in the sand and doesn't want to get diagnosed. I feel that it would be incredibly helpful for us to get support with what's next. Otherwise, I fear it might end our 10 year relationship. I absolutely don't want that but sometimes the exhaustion and relentlessness gets too much. Maybe we just aren't compatible?

I'm here to learn as much as I can to adjust my behaviour and communicate in a way that is more helpful to him.

During Covid times, its hard to know where to go for support and meet people in a similar situation.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  • Well, my husband has been through Hell not knowing what's behind a few things for me. Now that I've figured out I need an assessment, I think the lights are going on for him.

    Of course, whilst you can't make your husband take an interest in investigating his potential ASC, you can try operating on the basis that he is autistic and adapt your communication style. Who knows? It might make a difference.

    Big tip is be explicit with him. Don't expect him to guess what you are feeling or what you want him to do for you. It might be his only way of knowing is if you say so.

  • Hi, I understand your situation. I've been married to a man for 25 years who I'm sure has ASD traits, and when I gradually realised this in the last few years only (!) I understood his behaviour and reasoning more clearly.  It makes sense. I love him because of his intelligence, knowledge, shared interests, vulnerability, loyalty, humour, emotional depth and lack of deceit and pretension.  On the other hand it has always been difficult not being able to get emotionally close to him, getting him to tune into me, sharing his thoughts, and as you experience, interpreting my sad or hurt feelings as criticism. This has doubled the hurt and made me feel quite lonely in the marriage. I've put up with it and found outlets for myself. No answer for you really. But you must decide what's right for you and whether you think this relationship could be rewarding enough for you. Take care x

  • Aftercare support for autism is minimal so even with a diagnosis, nothing would necessarily change. My husband finds me slightly less annoying knowing that I'm autistic but still annoying. 

    I think my husband actually likes me for my autistic traits and just doesn't want to admit that he would be bored by me if I wasn't a pedantic, sarcastic pain in the neck... 

    What exactly is your husband doing that is annoying you so much?