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need advice concerning anger issues in a male with Aspergers

Meeahh

Hiya,

Wasn't sure where to post this really but hoping I can get some good feed back.  Basic family situation first. I am a disabled mum with a kid who has autism and tourettes, I have very recently gone through radiosurgery.  I have an elderly, disabled mum, who lives with my elder brother who has a diagnosis of Aspergers.  The problem being faced is my brother, in his 50's, is prone to having incredibly bad, angry outbursts.  He's big, intimidating, but can also be a softie.  His thing is that if he believes that someone has implied that he has told a lie, he goes into an angry meltdown, and it doesn't matter where or when, he can't control it.  The last one was when I was on an internet call with him, and I heard him lose it with my mother who is in her 70's and very unwell, and she hadn't even implied he had lied, but he somehow thought this and it got very, very bad with her.  A lot of the anger seems to stem from things that happened in his childhood or over twenty years ago.  He tells others he is a carer for us, but I have never asked him to be one to me, and the caring duties he does for our mum only go as far as cooking because she has accidents in the kitchen that have been dangerous, dropping her off at doctors appointments (few and far between) and getting the household shopping  (no extra housework, bum washing, bed changing etc).  We always make certain he knows these things are appreciated.  What also worries me is that he seems to make an extra show of caring for mum if they go out, putting her arm around her and so forth, but if a professional isn't there, he doesn't bother.

Here is the thing.  We love him dearly, so, so much.  It is obvious that he is hurting emotionally, and like most people his age, will have some physical aches and pains too. We're scared though, that these outbursts are going to get him in trouble,  He terrified me the last time he had one with me, and he said some terrible things (telling me I should die already, infront of my child). I am scared his actions will send my mum into a heart attack, I am scared he will do this to my daughter. People on the outside have heard his temper in the past and intervened but no more than a passing "are you ok?" to mum or I.  We don't want him hurt and upset, but we can't seem to get him to see that this is a big issue,  and it is really hard to broach this with him and when I gently tried, he said people shouldn't make him angry then.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any advice on it would be appreciated.

  • Hiya, it looks like there are two issues here. One is your brother's anger issues, which I don't have experience to comment on, but the other is your mum's well being.  I'd feel a bit concerned for her in that situation and wonder whether a chat with social services is in order?  It sounds like she's a bit too frail to cope with it and may need some exterior help.

  • his anger is a genuine medical issue. What should happen is that you persuade him to go to his GP who’ll refer him to therapist who’ll help him work on his anger and the things that make him angry. 

    that’s what should happen if he goes to his GP. Given the poor state of mental health care in this country right now, the lockdown, and the number of therapists who consider themselves incapable of treating autistic patients I have little hope that’s what will actually happen. Still you can try.

  • Thank you so, so much for opening up and sharing your experiences. I feel I have a bit more to go on now. Thank you again

  • I can only really speak from personal experience and in many ways it echos what others have said. My meltdowns are usually more of the single angry outburst then a run and hide thing but it's likely a similar trigger. Like others have mentioned I tend not to know when things are getting emotionally fraught, I actually can't read my own emotions much at all unless they're making physical effects. Once I'm in a bad state something minor will trigger me, one of my triggers is people reading things into my words I didn't put there and act like I said something I didn't and it sounds like this may be similar to your brother too.

    I've only recently found out I'm autistic and I just thought it was related to my anxiety and depression and as a result, I went out of my way to learn to see the signs of a meltdown coming physically by being mindful and checking in with myself several times through the day. Signs like lots of stimming, breathing a little faster than normal, tight hunched shoulders, and excessive yawning among others show me I need to take some time out to recharge. 

    I say the biggest problem with your situation is the unwillingness to speak with you about it but likely you will have an idea what way to broach this situation with him better than we will but if his emotional issues are anything like mine then id suggests he try to learn to read his own emotions via his actions so he can remove himself before meltdowns. Other than that it sounds like he could do with some autistic-friendly counseling or therapy.

    Sorry I can't be more help but I only have a dataset of 1 to pull from. 

  • I'm not an expert and only recently diagnosed as autistic myself, and while I, too, get angry I am able to control it. If he genuinely can not do so then he should seek help with it, because autistic or not it is not fair for you and your Mother to have to deal with that. 

    From the sounds of it he is aware and capable enough to recognise the problems his disability cause those around him and if this is indeed the case (obviously I can only tell so much from what you have written so my apologies if he needs more care than I realise) he should be responsible enough to seek help with it. 

    Personally I cut myself some slack for being autistic but I try not to make excuses for myself because of it, and I try to understand the effect it has on those around me, to the point where I have tried to seek help for my problems because whether I can help it or not my disability affects others and I feel it's only fair I try and acknowledge that and at least attempt to change what I can to make their lives easier. 

    Again I hope I haven't misjudged, if so a lot of what I've said might not help but hopefully one of the more learned members can offer you good advice :) 

  • The problem with autistic meltdowns is that autistic people tend not to have a very good ability to sense internal mood. If, like your brother and myself, meltdowns are explosive and angry, the outburst is as much a surprise to ourselves as it is to anyone nearby. Meltdowns are often attributed to sensory overload, but, speaking for myself, it is more often caused by a build-up of things that are going wrong or are not what I would want them to be. The tipping point is usually something incredibly trivial, but, because I have not recognised that I am becoming frustrated, I just explode volcanically. The ideal would be to regularly do a sort of internal audit to help to recognise when frustration is building up, and then take time out of whatever situation is causing the frustration. But that's easier said than done. Speaking for myself, again, the angry explosion is strange, like losing control, but at the same time not losing control. I have never hurt anyone in this state, I just shout and occasionally thump walls. Your brother is possibly not especially hurt or upset, just frustrated by some minor train of circumstances that momentarily exceeded his ability to cope. 

  • I'm afraid I'm not the best to ask, but If the only answer that he is giving you, is to not make him angry in the first place, that isn't a realistic expectation. There are going to be times where people, or situations are going to make him upset. If he reacts badly to the wrong situation, he could get himself into danger.

    It may be worth finding ways for him to learn how to manage his temper and focus his energy on more healthy methods of reacting to situations.

    Have you ever talked to him about what he's thinking and feeling when the situation occurs? It's often frustrating to be told you should be dealing with things like everyone else does, but no one takes the time to understand the situation from your point of view. Also, has he ever spoken to a professional? They might be able to help him find techniques that can help him they also won't be biased like someone who knows him.

  • sorry no one has replied to u yet.  we have recently lost many good support volunteers here.