Tonight my wife and I went for dinner with a 'friend' and her husband in their garden for the first time since lockdown - since my diagnosis this friend hasn't shown herself to be a very good friend, this isn't the first time she's said questionable things about autism - and she was going on about her horrible boss and how she thinks he's autistic (she knows full well about my diagnosis). She went on and on, how he had no empathy, no social skills, and I was boiling but felt like I couldn't say anything because I didn't want to make too much of it, and it got to the point where my wife was like (I am so lucky to be married to this woman, she's so much more than I deserve) 'Being an a***hole is not a symptom of autism', in such a tone that our friend finally knew to shut up. Nonetheless, I went home feeling like rubbish...I would have done anyway because I'd had to eat blue cheese and walnut salad and tiramisu which in my world is not what gets eaten, especially at the moment as my eating disorder is playing up, but my friend's words made what would have been a challenging night a hundred times worse.
Yet again, my wife is having to deal with me crying (I must sound like I cry all the time but I'm really not a wet blanket, I only cry when I've completely had it!) because tonight I've realised that the reason I can't really have a baby is because of stigma (BTW, just to settle any confusion, we're two women, we're gay, sorry, I feel I haven't made that clear enough before). I'm horribly broody and my wife isn't and it was never on the cards for her to carry, and a couple of years ago we were talking about bringing about a family and how I'd carry - providing I could as I've often been told that the anorexia might have played havoc with my fertility - but the chances of me having an autistic child would be high and I just wouldn't want them to have to sit and listen to what I had to listen to tonight. Life is hard enough. Sometimes the stigma makes me feel physically dirty. I would not want that for a person I brought into the world. I wish NTs thought more about the effect their misinformed words had on us. Sometimes I feel so angry at NTs, because - and I know this sounds really silly - they were given natural social skills and there is nothing I would love more. God I'd sell my soul for a social instinct. And when NTs don't show good social skills, it really angers me. It's like, you were given an instinct. Use it! Treat people with respect!
Am I being unreasonable?
Also, I'm very sorry if the mention of my eating disorder triggered anyone. I just can't separate myself from it. I don't think it will ever go away, sadly.
