Does it anger you when NTs don't show good social skills? (Mention of eating disorder)

That is disgustingly spiteful and manipulative of her. Ugh. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

It sound very much like you are trying to reason and being met with a lack of desire to reason... if anything her complete disregard for you is un-empathetic. Or I'd suggest un-sympathetic. Wow!

Honestly, I'm beginning to feel more and more like the ethics of my grandparents generation helped create a bridge between the NT & ND individuals. Reasoning that entailed: 

"When in Rome" (consider how others behave and interact and try to mimic out of courtesy, kindness)

"I wonder what they meant by that" (there are many possibilities why someone would act or speak in a strange manner)

Asking "how do you mean" (I'm not following) or "Please help me understand"

Making the effort to create aesthetic or help... 

These are basic perspectives which stem from assuming the best in others. Choosing to Reason through or with rather than arrogantly thinking everyone is like me and presumptuously responding to that thinking. 

I have had to learn to choose friends who appear to also regard these principles. Personally, a few close good friends are much more stabilising than many random acquaintances.

Also, how a psychologist uses the Term Empathy as opposed to Everyone Else is frustrating. I know will respond with - do you mean this person cannot read your mind and relate to you or are you trying to tell me they are a zombie? Because from a LOT of not-so-new understanding is that a psychopath relates to you but is without compassion, but the Autist feels deeply even if they cannot understand a mis-use or culturally popular use of language/pragmatics.

Sorry to hear she doesn't get it. I did a little cheer (in my mind) when I read that you put the phone down on her! Good for you. I could benefit from being a bit braver like this sometimes, too. 

It's just like my sister.

Her latest trick is to arrange a 'family' dinner out at 8pm knowing I have to eat at 5pm because of my chemotherapy.   

I won't be going.

Suits me.

Ain't that the truth! Still, this particularly nasty piece of work is out of my life now. She rang last night to 'apologise'...see my comment further down if you're interested, but I don't blame you if you're not! xx

Yup, she's pretty disgusting. Can't believe I tolerated her for so long. Oh well. True colours always come out in the end.

wow, so glad to read you put the phone down, what a horrible person.

Thank you. I'm so glad you've met some remarkable people.

No need to apologise     We all have difficulties interfacing to NTs

Thank you all for your lovely replies. Last night, my friend phoned and 'apologised' following my wife talking to her, but it was a poor excuse for an apology. 'I'm sorry you were offended, I've just been having such a difficult time at work and as my friend I thought you'd be there to support me, when I talk about Autism in that way I don't mean you, you've clearly worked so hard on your social skills. I just wanted to vent, there was no need for you and B (my wife) to make it about you, I've listened to you talk about your problems before...' In the world's most patronising tone.

I put the phone down on her. I'm never speaking to her again. She's a selfish, manipulative narcissist who genuinely believes she can do no wrong. I reckon her boss is probably 'horrible' because she's not a good employee.

I know, I was being facetious, sorry.

Giraffe said:

Isn't that where they're supposed to be superior to us?

I'd never say superior - just different.       It's great to watch a bunch of aspie lads talking about cars - so much positivity! 

Thank you for your reply. Sadly it wasn't one occasion for this person - she has done it before knowing full well about my diagnosis - and it's not one person; the amount of insensitive stuff I've heard since being diagnosed makes me want to close my curtains and never go out sometimes. Also, my post wasn't about writing off people who are NT, it was about feeling stressed out when NTs (sorry, I wish there was a better word too!) use poor social skills when they should know better. Isn't that where they're supposed to be superior to us?

But thank you so much for your kind words. Relationships certainly are crazy!

These are not your friends or your sort of people. Dont dismiss the idea of being a parent, my autistic child is a gift and yes - we meet idiots, but we also meet remarkable people.

Perhaps her Boss has reinforced her views on Autism.

It's difficult to handle conversations with pushy tattlers. Sometimes you just have to play dumb, and raise the issue with your Wife.

Sounds like your friend needs some education. Does she even realise how she sounds? I think she maybe needs to consider her own lack of diplomacy skills before criticising other people's lack of social skills. 

That sounds like a truely awful evening and no wonder you're upset. I would be.

I'm glad your wife put up a defense. If your friend realised she's out of order, an apology is due to you and if she has any emotional awareness herself, should have offered one. As for selling your soul for a social instinct, well it sounds to me as though absence of "instinct" or not, you've got the better handle on the necessary social courtesies. 

I must admit that it sounds like your friend is not that far from the boss she was complaining about.

And I would like to borrow your wife's amazing words (yet probably wouldn't be able to use them in such a brilliant way as you described!) and suggest here that..

Being an ***hole friend is not a symptom of being NT.

There are neurodiverse people with brilliant social skills, and NT with terrible social and relationship skills. Each for reasons of their own that make them unique. It would be sad to write off all people who you would describe as NT because of the careless actions of this one friend on this one occasion. (Just for the record, I don't like the term 'NT' as it doesn't honour the humans in our world and true diversity of all of us, but I want to honour that this is a word that resonates for you.)

It is totally understandable to me that you'd be upset! I think many people would be in that situation, myself included. The hardest thing for me is finding people I can trust. I'm often confused by behaviours of all kinds of different people, especially when they change or... like in the context you describe... do NOT change (show care, empathy, sensitivity) after you've confided in them about something personal to you. I'm still trying to accept the craziness of relationships in general. Your wife sounds amazing, yet so do you. I truly hope you can go easy on yourself and remember the value you bring to this world.

It sounds like this person isn't really your friend! Do you really want to be friends with someone like that?

I really feel for you.     It's horrible to spend an entire evening inn a stress situation. - I'm guessing you didn't sleep well afterwards.   

Are you sure these people are your friends?      It seems a bit of a controlling relationship,   Was alcohol involved?

I've found people get a bit sloppy when well lubricated - my brother and sister in law get a bit 'aggy' when they've reach the bottom of the wine and seem to want to antagonise or pick a fight by trying to trigger me (he always was my bully when we were younger) so we rarely see them,

They can't help their true nature from popping out - it's like they are masking too - a thin veneer of acceptability.

It's one of the reasons I prefer group evenings - you can always move and talk to someone else.