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Should I give a tip-sheet to colleagues?

rox4brains

I just tried an experiment today that I hope will make my work life easier and more productive, but could actually end up causing me more problems. I was only diagnosed a year ago (I'm female and 53) and so am new to "coming out" about my autism. I do tend to tell people now, but find that doesn't really make any difference, because it's too vague. There's no concrete explanation of what autism means in my case.

Anyway, at the end of an e-mail to two colleagues, I included the text highlighted below. I wondered whether anyone else had tried something like this, whether it worked, and whether there were any unfortunate consequences!

Thanks!

One last thing. Since we’re going to be working together closely, I thought I’d just give you a few tips on working with me (and my version of autism/aspergers… everyone is different!) that might help you and stop you feeling frustrated.
  • Be direct. I don’t pick up on social cues very well and can be very poor at reading between the lines (at least when speaking… I’m much better in writing!) Don’t expect me to understand something that you haven’t explicitly said.
  • If I’m talking too much (almost always!) or being irrelevant, just attract my attention, make clear that you have something to say (or want to move on), and I will make sure to stop talking and listen.
  • It sometimes takes me a while to process information. If we’re having a disagreement, this may come across as me not listening or ignoring a point you have made. The truth is, I do listen and I do change my mind, it just may take several minutes (or longer).
  • I don’t mind being overruled, but what really makes me anxious is when people are personally offended that I disagreed with them in the first place. I won’t hold a grudge, but I also need to know that you won’t.
  • One of the things that people find most frustrating about me is that I find it hard to trust things I don’t understand. Some people take this as disrespect: that I don’t trust them enough to just believe them. It really isn’t that. It’s just that my brain can’t use information I don’t sufficiently understand. That means I may need you to explain something that I find counter-intuitive a few times until I “get it”, which can be annoying. On the plus side, with things I do get, I can take the point and move forward very quickly.

The main thing is just to know that, even when I am being a pain in the ass (!) it’s out of concern for the project, the organisation, and the community.

Parents

  • Hi everyone,

    Bad news on my experiment.

    I think this is one of those things where being logical doesn't help. I've tried this now and it's made no positive difference: and possibly a negative one. There is a particular bully who has been on the attack, and she's now used the information against me (saying my communication is poor) rather than try to engage with any of the issues. (I've checked, and I know that's not the problem -- at least not in this case).

    I think the problem is that we (as autistic people) can't understand the malevolence of some of the people who just don't like us. They don't want to understand: they just want a convenient scape goat for their own incompetence/laziness or person to take the brunt of their own emotional problems.

    I'm not saying the idea is doomed: but I would never try to use it again to stave off problems. Maybe better as one of the other contributors suggested: just as a way to communicate with your boss or ally colleagues.

    I feel a bit foolish right now: like I was trying to use logic and reason to get around my autism. I guess the point is that I don't really understand what I'm dealing with and so the logic and reason just doesn't apply.

    On the plus side? I never would have thought that being in this community (i.e. your responses) would be so helpful and comforting. Although it's not helping me win the war at work necessarily, just writing this post is helping to calm me down.

    Anyway, thanks everyone!

  • in reply to rox4brains

    Sad to hear that the idea didn't bring positive results. It's just clicking with me how difficult it is sometimes after telling people what I need that it gets overlooked. Sometimes it's unavoidable, everyone can be stretched and there isn't always time to explain to me what's needed up front. Others it is completely so - and it's in those situations I'm likely to get frustrated - especially if I feel I've been put on the spot without a full brief.

    As for the bully - people of this type always put me on the back foot (because I literally don't understand them or what motivates them). Even if it's not a paid role that's no excuse for any organisation not to have a process in place to support you if someone is mis-behaving.

    The NCVO (National Council for Voluntary Organisations) has some advice which may help

    https://www.ncvo.org.uk/ncvo-volunteering/if-volunteering-goes-wrong

    rox4brains said:
    feel a bit foolish right now: like I was trying to use logic and reason to get around my autism

    Don't. You tried something to support people in supporting you. A social experiment which might well have worked in a different setting with different people. That takes guts - especially if it doesn't have the hoped for results. Kudos to you. An article in one of the national newspapers had someone who tried the same thing to see the results  (I'm annoyed I can't find the article to share with you - I'll keep looking). I don't see it as "getting round" your autism - I see what you tried as an experiment in helping people understand our world. Sometimes I feel like I speak a completely different language to NT's. 

    My last frustration at work was in a conversation about a "grey area" with some information. Someone told me that they agreed with my rationale but the final decision we were making with it "didn't sit well with them". I lost it (offline) because I thought they were being difficult/lazy in rejecting my conclusion. Then I realised, eventually, that they were stuck at the emotional stage of the decision-making process - they hadn't figured out the rationale behind what - emotionally- they felt we should do. As my psychologist pointed out - sometimes I have to learn to pick up on where people are and learn how to take them with me - and I might not always be successful. I really need help sometimes understanding that - and I haven't plucked up the courage to ask for help with it, or even figured out who I could ask. 

    It's weird. We're trying to find our way in a world that hasn't quite figured out how we think (and sometimes vice-versa) and there's a lot of different types of situations and exchanges to navigate. Exploring ways to try and bridge those gaps isn't easy and you have my admiration and respect for giving your idea a go.

    Best.

    E

Reply
  • in reply to rox4brains

    Sad to hear that the idea didn't bring positive results. It's just clicking with me how difficult it is sometimes after telling people what I need that it gets overlooked. Sometimes it's unavoidable, everyone can be stretched and there isn't always time to explain to me what's needed up front. Others it is completely so - and it's in those situations I'm likely to get frustrated - especially if I feel I've been put on the spot without a full brief.

    As for the bully - people of this type always put me on the back foot (because I literally don't understand them or what motivates them). Even if it's not a paid role that's no excuse for any organisation not to have a process in place to support you if someone is mis-behaving.

    The NCVO (National Council for Voluntary Organisations) has some advice which may help

    https://www.ncvo.org.uk/ncvo-volunteering/if-volunteering-goes-wrong

    rox4brains said:
    feel a bit foolish right now: like I was trying to use logic and reason to get around my autism

    Don't. You tried something to support people in supporting you. A social experiment which might well have worked in a different setting with different people. That takes guts - especially if it doesn't have the hoped for results. Kudos to you. An article in one of the national newspapers had someone who tried the same thing to see the results  (I'm annoyed I can't find the article to share with you - I'll keep looking). I don't see it as "getting round" your autism - I see what you tried as an experiment in helping people understand our world. Sometimes I feel like I speak a completely different language to NT's. 

    My last frustration at work was in a conversation about a "grey area" with some information. Someone told me that they agreed with my rationale but the final decision we were making with it "didn't sit well with them". I lost it (offline) because I thought they were being difficult/lazy in rejecting my conclusion. Then I realised, eventually, that they were stuck at the emotional stage of the decision-making process - they hadn't figured out the rationale behind what - emotionally- they felt we should do. As my psychologist pointed out - sometimes I have to learn to pick up on where people are and learn how to take them with me - and I might not always be successful. I really need help sometimes understanding that - and I haven't plucked up the courage to ask for help with it, or even figured out who I could ask. 

    It's weird. We're trying to find our way in a world that hasn't quite figured out how we think (and sometimes vice-versa) and there's a lot of different types of situations and exchanges to navigate. Exploring ways to try and bridge those gaps isn't easy and you have my admiration and respect for giving your idea a go.

    Best.

    E

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