Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I have been with my wife for 5 years. We have always had communication issues and not understood the others way of thinking. Within the past few months I have started to consider the possibility that she is Autistic or Aspergers. I do not know much about these conditions but the more I have read, the more I am convinced that this is the case - to the point that I question how I didn't see this. I have been advised that I need to be vary careful about if or how I bring this subject up as it could damage her. I feel that if she / we know that Autism / Aspergers is involved, then we would have more understanding of each other.
What is the general advice for suggesting to someone they may have Autistic traits? She holds a good job, makes a few but very close friends, but expects more of me than I can deliver and her thought processes arrive at conclusions or follow a path that I could never have imagined. She is perfectly happy with her life and controls any difficulties within it to the point I wouldn't necessarily bring Autism up. The issue is with us. The marriage has about failed and I think our communication, way of thinking and expectations are a big part of it. I've done the Aspergers test for myself and her (answering as close as I could guess on questions I didn't know the answer for - so I completely accept it may not be accurate), but I came out at 9 for myself (would have expected higher tbh! and 41 for my wife. Some of the questions surprised me - things which I saw as quirks of my wife or had only half noticed were listed as questions. Speaking with someone who described half a dozen traits was like listening to a description of my wife.
Personally I think I should bring up my thoughts and speak to her about it, but considering the advice that I may damage her by doing so, I need some further guidance.
Any advise, please,
Thank you.
You want to approach it carefully to make sure she doesn't get offended or think you are blaming her for problems relationship.
I would say, the best approach would be to see if she is curious about her various idiosyncrasies and see if she wants to do the quiz herself (treat it like a fun quiz not like a test). It is quite likely she would be curious or she might have secretly suspected it already.
But if she doesn't want to pursue the topic, don't push it. You can still research autism yourself. I would recommend watching youtube videos by different autistic people, it will give you more human insight and hopefully help you understand where she's coming from better. (Books written by autism experts are mostly quite pathologising and may be less relevant to your wife, who I assume is high functioning and heavily masking to have got this far with no-one pointing it out.)