Published on 12, July, 2020
First time posting here so I hope I'm doing it right.
I've noticed a lot recently when my Mum talks to others about me or my brother having Autism people will often say things like "Oh they have something wrong with them" or "If only we could give them normal brains" and I'm standing there feeling like absolute crap cause then I think "Well I'm obviously useless so what's even the point of being Autistic and being alive. Then there's the sympathetic sad looks from people and the" Oh I'm so sorry for you" comments. It just really gets me down sometimes. I'm very proud of my Autism as it makes me who I am but when I hear the comments it's like a punch in the gut.
In my current job, I sometimes wish I was 'normal'. It's an office building so despite claims to the contrary, they don't really like you to be different. It means they have to read policies and understand that some behaviours can't be helped. I got told last year that I needed to improve my 'poor attitude' after a situation. Given the information presented, I pointed out that it actually sounded like they wanted me to be less anxious.
When I worked in Theatre, no one batted an eyelid, I could be anyone, and do anything as long as I got my costumes made by opening night.
I only spent six months in a Civil Service job in 2004. My ultimate mistake was not declaring my disability on the application form; as I left that it didn't affect my ability to work. However, it was a blessing in disguise. The environment was so Toxic, and dealt with - arguably - the most hated, and divisive, department of the UK Government. Plus, I tried to blend in with the 'Lazy Civil Servant' Stereotype.
I did reapply for the Civil Service a few years back. However, I had no real motivation, other than a Paycheque, which isn't the right motivation for a job. God has other plans.
My problem is I care about doing a good job. I care about high standards.