Autism and gender identity

at one point I did consider introducing my self declaring my pronouns as he/her/theirs. 

Do you not think people telling you their pronouns when you meet them is THE most pretentious thing a person could ever do.     To insist they are sooooo important that you have to be microscopically correct about them when they're gone.

Like you say-  be thankful if I remember your name.

Sam said:

A man may look feminine and still identify as a man.

A woman may look masculine and still identify as a women.

They may, but if they do it's not unreasonable to expect them to correct others when they get confused about pronouns from time to time. Hell it takes me several times meeting most people to remember their names. If your pronoun isn't obvious from your appearance I'm not likely to get it just because you say it once when we first meet.

There's a difference between identity and expression.

A man may look feminine and still identify as a man.

A woman may look masculine and still identify as a women.

How an individual expresses their identity is up to that individual. And, as hookaduckduck says, their ability to express may be limited. But the expression is subjective and separate from the identity itself. 

There is a chance that there may be the very odd occasion that someone does actively try to 'trick' someone into believing they're one gender when they are another but it would be very wrong to assume this is the case with anyone who says they are one gender but, in your opinion, looks like another.

Remember, what you would identify as a man or woman (or neither) is subjective and therefore open to inaccuracy.

Yes I agree Sam. It's one of those things I think I'd still get wrong because I do make assumptions based on appearance, but if someone corrected me then I would apologise and use their correct pronouns from there on. I don't think it is about trickery when someone is offended at being misgendered. I have a trans female friend and she hasn't had extensive changes to her appearance apart from those natural in her control like hair, makeup and clothing so if she wasn't dressed stereotypically female then she could be misgendered and is well within her right to point out she identifies as female, not male. That isn't trickier, that's just the hand she has been dealt in life. 

Also, someone's correct pronouns do not change when they are not present.

If you're using the incorrect pronouns, whether they are there or not, you're still wrong.

So I think it's better to get the right information straight from the source.

If I'm ever unsure of pronouns, I would hopefully either use they/them or I will ask that person and I would be grateful for that information because it will mean I know something correct.

Again - they are the ones setting their appearance to project to the outside world - if they look like a bloke, I'd assume a bloke, if they look like a girl, I'd assume a girl.    If they are such a-holes that they intend to trick me into guessing wrong just so they can take offence then F them.      They still fit the grade of "no thanks - you're too much of an attention seeker"..

/politically incorrect mode.

That doesn't always happen though does it. Sometimes we do use each other's pronouns in front of each other. 

I agree with everything you say-  except the pronoun bit.   

When you meet someone, you don't use their pronouns in conversation with them - they are only used when talking about them when they are not present - and if someone is so self-important and entitled that they demand how you talk about them in their absence, then they are not people I would waste my time with.    As Boy George said - it's all attention seeking.     They have become the new 'vegan' joke

Could be entirely coincidental or linked to the fact that as autistic people we tend to not really filter our honest thoughts - we say what we think. Maybe lots of NTs are the same but haven't got the courage to speak out as freely because it is more taboo. Who knows. I'm still of the opinion this is purely coincidental.

I was born female and identify as a woman, but sexuality-wise I'm bisexual but married to a man so currently in a convention male/female marriage and nobody sees I'm bisexual unless I mention it. Same with autism really as people can easily just assume I'm weird or rude or whatever they want to think negatively about me. I respect people's pronouns but I'm not yet at a stage in life where I would ask someone their pronouns routinely in conversation. Is anyone else?

* that's not to say it's 'just in the mind'. Far from it.

There's a company 'Spectrum Outfitters' who make binders. They have an article on their website highlighting a higher rate of gender-dysphoria in people on the autism spectrum and I believe there's a connection with their name. https://spectrumoutfitters.co.uk/pages/autism-and-the-lgbtqia - might be of interest.

There are many possible reasons for linking neurodivergence with identity, including gender identity. 

Gender is a construct and, as such, is subjective and contextual. Ideas of gender roles are even more subjective. In my experience, autistic minds find contextual fields less agreeable and sometimes challenging. So it's quite natural for us to challenge those concepts.

With gender dysphoria, I think it might be that many neurodivergent minds have a harder time compartmentalising or dealing with internal conflict. If something doesn't feel right, it might be harder for us to accept it or distract ourselves away from it because we feel it too greatly. 

The jury is still out on whether there is a direct causal link but there is definitely a statistical correlation that has been found in reputable studies www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/.../

Autisms got feck all to do with gender identity. Everything bar the kitchen sink gets thrown in with it. Next some idiot is going to say Autism has links with what football team you support like Autistic people are much more likely to support the northern football team in a city than the southern.  Ever think people who feel they are of a different gender can also be Autistic???? Not a stretch is it. Probably not a good idea to talk about this topic on here unless what your really trying to do is ruin some peoples careers by saying the wrong thing about it.

I'm not judging at all - I'm just mentioning trends I've noticed.      The problem is there's a lot of clever manipulators out the looking for fresh meat - vulnerable people can get in over their head very quickly.   They can be convinced into believing things that the user wants them to believe.

... So what? If everything happens with informed consent let them enjoy what they like.

People looking for 'a little extra' in the dark corners of sex games.    It's almost like looking for the ultimate over-stimulation.    It seems very common for very high functioning ASD girls to want to be bunnies (rope) and hard bottoms.        Totally relinquishing control.      The ASD guys seem to want to explore materials and enclosure scene - which often is more accessible with other guys.  

I'm not sure what level of detail is permissible on this site but I don't want to frighten the horses. 

What do you mean by dangerous practices?

I've found that we look at the world not understanding the crazy unwritten rules of NTs so we look for our own way - and we're so unsure of all the rules that we find our own path that works for us..   

I found an awful lot of ASD people drift into the more alternative and flexible lifestyle categories looking for what feel right to them - and also exploring some dangerous practices.

It's been my observation that autistic people don't conform to social roles period so I don't see why gender should be any different. When you're talking about gender dysphoria there are really at least 2 potential aspects to consider, dysphoria with ones primary and secondary sexual characteristics, and dysphoria with the social role associated with ones gender. It's entirely posable to have one but not the other in my view.

But with regards to the latter just because you reject the role associated with your sex it doesn't mean you want to, or would be happy if you could, adopt wholesale the role of the other gender. This is one of the reasons real life experience is required before irreversible medical procedures, you want to be sure someone will actually be happier in a different gender role.