Visitation for autistic father with intense anger issues

 Losan

Hi Michael. Hi Losan.

Basically I am getting mixed messages from all angles. 

On the first hand, I know he struggles with his anger, I just can't work out what type of anger. I suppose what confuses me is the fact he still seems to have control over the situation when he had a meltdown. 

For example:

In the beginning, when he used to hit me, he works do it seemingly without a care in the world, however he would never but me where the bruises would show. 

In more recent years, I can literally see him fighting his urge to hit me, the look of regret in his face between starting to throw the punch and impact. This results in less injuries for me as he seems to be trying to refrain from hurting me, the blows have become far less painful and hardly leave a mark.

I have a shelf of trinkets in my office where I keep a collection of things I have collected from around the world over the years of my life and also some given to me by my grandparents who passed away some years ago. He knows that some of my most sentimental belongings are up in that shelf. In the beginning, he used to storm in there, threatening to destroy everything on it. I would respond in an emotional way and try to enter the room, being him not to destroy an thing. Over the years, I started ignoring him when he would do this and I've realised that if he doesn't get that emotional reaction from me, he doesn't make the threat. This is the same as when he threatens to hurt the family pets, the less of an emotional response he gets from me, the less he tries to used these things to get an emotional response. 

My reason for telling you these things is not to list his faults, but to try and understand what causes this. I have read that people with autism are not manipulative of others emotions, but it feels in some of these circumstances he very much is doing just that. When I have experienced others have autistic meltdowns (only in an educational setting), they seem very much out of control or focused inwardly, trying to save themselves from the cause of the distress.

Due to this, im torn between believing that he has autism or some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. He denies the latter as he believes this would make him a bad person, but the way he behaves does make me wonder. I know he has suffered through traumatic periods of his life so I don't blame him if this has resulted in something like NPD, I just want him to get the correct diagnosis and the correct support so we can move forward either as a family, or at least with peace of mind that our child won't be the next thing to be used to achieve an emotional response from me.

 Losan

Hi Michael. Hi Losan.

Basically I am getting mixed messages from all angles. 

On the first hand, I know he struggles with his anger, I just can't work out what type of anger. I suppose what confuses me is the fact he still seems to have control over the situation when he had a meltdown. 

For example:

In the beginning, when he used to hit me, he works do it seemingly without a care in the world, however he would never but me where the bruises would show. 

In more recent years, I can literally see him fighting his urge to hit me, the look of regret in his face between starting to throw the punch and impact. This results in less injuries for me as he seems to be trying to refrain from hurting me, the blows have become far less painful and hardly leave a mark.

I have a shelf of trinkets in my office where I keep a collection of things I have collected from around the world over the years of my life and also some given to me by my grandparents who passed away some years ago. He knows that some of my most sentimental belongings are up in that shelf. In the beginning, he used to storm in there, threatening to destroy everything on it. I would respond in an emotional way and try to enter the room, being him not to destroy an thing. Over the years, I started ignoring him when he would do this and I've realised that if he doesn't get that emotional reaction from me, he doesn't make the threat. This is the same as when he threatens to hurt the family pets, the less of an emotional response he gets from me, the less he tries to used these things to get an emotional response. 

My reason for telling you these things is not to list his faults, but to try and understand what causes this. I have read that people with autism are not manipulative of others emotions, but it feels in some of these circumstances he very much is doing just that. When I have experienced others have autistic meltdowns (only in an educational setting), they seem very much out of control or focused inwardly, trying to save themselves from the cause of the distress.

Due to this, im torn between believing that he has autism or some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. He denies the latter as he believes this would make him a bad person, but the way he behaves does make me wonder. I know he has suffered through traumatic periods of his life so I don't blame him if this has resulted in something like NPD, I just want him to get the correct diagnosis and the correct support so we can move forward either as a family, or at least with peace of mind that our child won't be the next thing to be used to achieve an emotional response from me.

Hi Lulu

I must have missed the post where you've said he was hitting you more than once but your post above concerns me - that does make him sound like a classic narcissist.    Targeting things you love to specifically hurt you or them.    Hurting animals is uncomfortable too.  .

If he can do this and also control it when it suits then, that's not normally an autistic thing     Are you sure his meltdowns aren't just tantrums when he doesn't get his way?        I'm related to a pair of narcissists and that the sort of thing that do - it's all about controlling the world and everyone within it are just puppets to play to their script - and woe betide you if you fluff your lines....

Narcissists subconsciously plan to break you down - to destroy your confidence, to keep you dangling at their whim and make you so broken that they can do whatever they like to you- and you'll willingly accept - total brain washing.

The only escape from them is to starve the monster - stop reacting (like you say you have) and eventually they get bored and look for easier targets.    They absolutely cannot survive without the drama to feed on.

You might want to watch couple of YouTube videos about narcissists to arm yourself.

If he is a narcissist, it's likely he will poison your child against you as a 'useless mum'.