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Suspecting Aspergers - how to bring it up with my partner?

Tulip_and_Oak

Hi everyone,

For the past six months or so I have come to expect that my husband might have undiagnosed aspergers. We have been together for over ten years.

My husband is in his 40s, succesful in his profession and I do not think anyone who was not in a very close relationship with him might ever suspect unless they have extensive experience/knowledge of the spectrum. I have read quite a bit about AS, aspergers and autism and relationships and recognise a lot of the characteristics described (both strengths as well as the challenges). 

I would really appreciate advice from people on how best to approach this topic with my husband. My worry is that he will feel very negatively about it and feel that I am looking to blame our issues on him.

The truth is that I really want to find a way out of the negative spiral that we are in. As previous approaches have not worked, perhaps considering AS and the challenges of an ND/NT relationship as a factor in our problems could be a really good step to creating a happier home for all of us.

We have a beautiful little family and more than anything I want us to be together happily but I do feel mentally exhausted from the trials and tribulations we have been through in the past two years and the isolation of covid.

Thank you so much for your advice!

p.s. I am personally not bothered at all about a formal diagnosis as for me this is mainly about us functioning as well as possible as a family unit but not sure how others feel about diagnosis and whether this had a positive impact on them and working through challenges within a relationship?

  • you need to watch your kid(s) for signs of autism. u haven't mentioned their age(s) . If the diagnosis is of no use dont get one.

    You probably know your husband better than anyone else apart from his mum.  

    you can find the characteristics of autism online with no issue --- search for "High functioning"  or level 3 autism spectrum and you can then do things to counter his weaker behaviours. 

    For me my diagnosis showed I was disabled and needed to review my behaviours and reactions around other people. I also process information very differently which means I can mis-interpret what someone is saying  or from reading text I get a different meaning because English is a very bendy language. 

    There are certain things I am awful at e.g. empathy in and around deaths ( humans and pets ).  

    I am improving because I read Zen ( & the Tao\Dao) and regularly do meditation.  

    This allows me reflect on stuff/thoughts between my ears. I let OCD/repetitive thoughts, pain, and negative/delusional thinking pass by.  It also makes you think more before you speak. I have also reduced my regular shutdowns usually caused by overworking/work stress and reduced my anxiety. 

    people say I am changing Slight smile

     

    TIP  ---  The odd email I will ask my partner to read to see if they get the same meaning as me before I send a reply.  I have learnt quite a bit from this one wee technique.

  • in reply to Tulip_and_Oak
    Tulip_and_Oak said:
    Has anyone had experience with the suggestion of being on the AS spectrum first coming from a significant other, close family member or friend? 

    My friend's wife is a teacher - she mentioned I seemed to tick all the boxes for Asperger's so that prompted a quick search for who was the top expert and found that my company health insurance would pay for a private diagnosis - a couple of weeks later I had a full diagnosis - the report mentions "clearly has Asperger's" quite a few times.   I was 42 at the time.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Re-reading specific books now and I agree it is about learning how to be more in tune with his experience to take the first bit of pressure off. Thank you for your opinion, it is really about speaking different languages.

    My main thing is how can I continue a positive trajectory by both of us learning about our different languages and our needs.

    Has anyone had experience with the suggestion of being on the AS spectrum first coming from a significant other, close family member or friend? 

    Do you think that someone needs to acknowledge AS as part of who they are in order to be able to recognise how communication between the two of you can be improved?

  • Buy books and leave them laying about the house? LOL. 

    Also buy books on how to be a better wife :)  Perhaps if he notices you taking responsibility for your share of whatever this 'blame' is, he'll be open to suggestions. Really, this is the best option. I'm always an advocate for one working on one-self and setting expectations by how I decide to live. 

    Personally I've always found the most difficult part is communication and how we express love in different ways. Failure to see that and failure to feel heard can be overwhelming.. In retrospect there were so many times neither my ex nor I were at fault, we were simply speaking 2 entirely different languages and didn't know it.