I figured I'd tell my story and see if anyone's gone through similar?
I first found out I had Aspergers when I was 13. I've had it since early childhood, but it wasn't through anyone telling me - I found out through the black and white writing of a school letter I wasn't supposed to see.
A bit of background, I'd always been the quiet kid, lost in my own head and feeling I could only communicate through creativity. I knew there was something different about me as I had a helper in school and the other kids didn't. Finding out I had Aspergers cleared some of that confusion up but I was also angry I had to find out this way. I wasn't supposed to see the letter, which makes me question when my parents were planning on telling me. I got into a bit of a dispute with my Mum over this and her response was that I wouldn't have understood as a child. I get that, to an extent, but I felt I was at the part of life when a helper felt unnecessary and I wanted independence. I was capable enough.
My family has always sucked at communicating things like this to me. For the longest time I didn't feel I could talk to them at all - it was always a criticism of the amount of time I spent online, petty arguments or feeling they didn't get me. We've become closer over the years and it's gotten better, but my teenage years were some of my worst. Crippling self doubt and a shell that I would only sink further into. A lot of this is my responsibility, I was a tough kid and teen to deal with, but it still hurts.
I think the bitterness I felt towards it was a big contributing factor for me choosing to end the support. "There's nothing wrong with me" I thought. "I'm shy, insecure and struggle a bit socially but I don't want to be grouped in with the incapable". I guess it was wanting to seem normal to my school friends too. I don't regret striving for independence but maybe I should've kept that door open to answer my own questions. It's been a confusing decade trying to figure out what Aspergers is and how much of it is me. "What's wrong with me?" was asked a lot.
I'm at a point in life now where the line seems blurred... Anyone who learns I have the condition says they couldn't tell. Any quirks the condition has on me just seems to blur into my personality type. I've found positive attributes such as attention to detail and focusing on passions, but I'm still not sure how much negative weight it holds. There was almost the feeling that I've "grown out" of it - maybe I've found coping mechanisms and gained social confidence through experience.
But I'm here to reach out properly and see other people's experiences. I hope learning about it will help me reflect on myself too. Thank you for reading this ramble, I'm sorry it's so lengthy, I guess I had a lot to vent out. I hope you're having a lovely day <3
