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Finding Out

SunsetBrush

I figured I'd tell my story and see if anyone's gone through similar?

I first found out I had Aspergers when I was 13. I've had it since early childhood, but it wasn't through anyone telling me - I found out through the black and white writing of a school letter I wasn't supposed to see.

A bit of background, I'd always been the quiet kid, lost in my own head and feeling I could only communicate through creativity. I knew there was something different about me as I had a helper in school and the other kids didn't. Finding out I had Aspergers cleared some of that confusion up but I was also angry I had to find out this way. I wasn't supposed to see the letter, which makes me question when my parents were planning on telling me. I got into a bit of a dispute with my Mum over this and her response was that I wouldn't have understood as a child. I get that, to an extent, but I felt I was at the part of life when a helper felt unnecessary and I wanted independence. I was capable enough.

My family has always sucked at communicating things like this to me. For the longest time I didn't feel I could talk to them at all - it was always a criticism of the amount of time I spent online, petty arguments or feeling they didn't get me. We've become closer over the years and it's gotten better, but my teenage years were some of my worst. Crippling self doubt and a shell that I would only sink further into. A lot of this is my responsibility, I was a tough kid and teen to deal with, but it still hurts.

I think the bitterness I felt towards it was a big contributing factor for me choosing to end the support. "There's nothing wrong with me" I thought. "I'm shy, insecure and struggle a bit socially but I don't want to be grouped in with the incapable". I guess it was wanting to seem normal to my school friends too. I don't regret striving for independence but maybe I should've kept that door open to answer my own questions. It's been a confusing decade trying to figure out what Aspergers is and how much of it is me. "What's wrong with me?" was asked a lot.

I'm at a point in life now where the line seems blurred... Anyone who learns I have the condition says they couldn't tell. Any quirks the condition has on me just seems to blur into my personality type. I've found positive attributes such as attention to detail and focusing on passions, but I'm still not sure how much negative weight it holds. There was almost the feeling that I've "grown out" of it - maybe I've found coping mechanisms and gained social confidence through experience.

But I'm here to reach out properly and see other people's experiences. I hope learning about it will help me reflect on myself too. Thank you for reading this ramble, I'm sorry it's so lengthy, I guess I had a lot to vent out. I hope you're having a lovely day <3

  • Yes.

    You are not alone in much of your experience.

    People telling you they 'couldn't tell' because you've developed coping mechanisms over the years through trying to fit in. I had a non-autistic friend tell me that I wasn't autistic because she knew autistic people and I wasn't like them. When I explained that actually she didn't know me, she knew the mask I wear every time we talk she was very offended.

    Self-doubt. A lot of this comes from other treating us as disabled and the narrative around autism being about it being a disability. We're not, we're just different to them. A lot of the time we're better.

    Isolation. I choose when to isolate and with whom to communicate - I'm good with this one.

    Neurotypicals treating you like you have a disability and are 'incapable'. I was lectured recently about how terrible it is and how terrible I am because I do not share the same level of crippling empathy as they do. We are often more capable than neurotypical - don't buy into the NT rhetoric that we're disabled. 

    Trying to 'fit in' at school. Such a waste of valuable time and a loss of opportunities - I regret trying to fit in so much now.

    Honestly, I have serious reservations about how much non-autistic people can relate to the difference that is autism.

    Thank you for your post :) - it confirms again that I am not alone and this is the right community for me.

  • in reply to Desmond79

    Very true! I need to remind myself of this sometimes. Though quite frankly I don't think I'm going to change the world in profound ways as these people have - but I'm happy enough changing just one person's world for the better. Love and be loved.

  • in reply to aidie
    aidie said:
    never dwell on the past there is nothing you can do about it so why do it ?

    Because you can learn from it.

  • in reply to SunsetBrush

    Daniel Craig was homeless when living in West Germany in the Eighties.

    Colonel Sanders lived in his car before selling the KFC recipe.

    JK Rowling was a broke Single Mum living in a dingy flat in Edinburgh when writing Harry Potter's story.

  • in reply to amandariley

    Oh gosh Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I'm glad you were able to get a diagnosis though, and I really hope there's support out there for you - disability benefits, a carer? Aspergers seems mild compared to physical limitations. But please be proud of how far you've come already, and don't put yourself down excessively. All the best, I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

  • in reply to BJS

    Thank you! At least it seems that the human experience is universal. It seems tons of people are stuck analyzing their own screwups and coming down harshly on themselves... our mind can be a rough place. Sending all my love your way, you're worth more than you realize.

  • in reply to aidie

    Thank you Aidie, I totally share advice like this to friends but it's harder to accept it. I'm grateful to be in therapy and talking like people like you, this is wonderful support. You're completely right.

    All the best and I hope you have a lovely day. <3

  • in reply to Plastic

    What a thoughtful response, thank you. That could very well be the case, I think everyone has some elements of OCD/ADHD etc, just on varying levels. I also feel like my family communicate differently - the "acts of service" love language rather than "words of support".

    I've kinda withdrawn into my shell about my interests, I've feared judgement since my teens but I've been pleasantly surprised every time I've managed to. I can get very passionate about what I love ^^ Brony/Furry is my forte! But I get that it's weird in the public eye.

    The closest I've come to living the dream is working at a stop motion animation studio in 2018. Everyone was just as creative! Wish I wasn't stuck in retail right now but gotta pay the bills ^^;

  • Hi, Sunset :-).  It's Mask City (me) and denial (Mom), here.  I grew up in a very conservative, nonconfrontational family and my mom (bless the wonderful woman) had some blinder issues when it came to "disabilities" for either of her children.  I have Dandy Walker malformation, which we didn't find out about until I was 17 when I had a CT scan for headaches.  Doctors had told my pregnant mom a part of my brain hadn't developed and that was it.  I was born in the '80s and DWM isn't super common; even less so back then.  I've never even seen a DWM specialist!  My mom never understood how I could lack balance, coordination, and motor skills, but manage to use a foot pedal and keyboard at the same time for work.  She just couldn't see my limitations outside of being "clumsy." 

    I didn't set out to get an official diagnosis until after she died because I lived with her my entire life and she was my caretaker until she died when I was 32.  Now, I'm completely lost without her and think I would benefit from available resources and support while trying to maintain a 2-person home and pay bills and taxes by myself.  Mom never found out I was on the spectrum and have ADHD, and I have a feeling she would have been in denial then, too.  My brother was diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood as well.  

  • in reply to SunsetBrush

    Something to think about is one of your parents may be undiagnosed ASD too - it may account for the lack of communication and poor decisions they made.

    I've found a lot of ASD kids get a craving for data about their favourite subject and they get demoralised with the lack of people 'feeding' that need.

    The positives are that are literally capable of anything - if you get support to point you in the right direction.    You're likely to find that as you get older, NTs around you start to impose arbitrary limits on themselves - excuses for why they never succeeded - don't fall into their traps

    You need to really analyse yourself to find your niche in life - somewhere where you can have a life of doing things that please you and stay away from stress-  that is our Achilles heel - the inability to process illogical things - and you will find plenty of illogical stuff in the big wide world - it's mental out there!  Smiley

    What are you into?     I'm a nerd so all my hobbies are techy - I naturally gravitated to nerdy industries like aerospace and electronics.

  • Welcome to the forum, as others have said it was not a good way to find out.  It's easy to say put that behind you and look forward to finding out the real you which is something i am trying to do although i do dwell on past 'mistakes' too much.

  • looks like you are now on the search for the real you 

    some rules

    never dwell on the past there is nothing you can do about it so why do it ?

    dont worry about the future no one can predict it  so why worry about it ?

    so go enjoy your life,  you're doing great, and handling things just fine :) right ?

  • in reply to Plastic

    Hi Plastic, thank you so much for responding! I've seen you around here a lot and you seem very kind and helpful. For sure, I'm trying to find something akin to a weekly Zoom meetup & just completed a self-referral form for some local health board support. I've been in therapy recently which has prompted the soul-searching - hopefully the start of learning & healing!

  • Hiya

    Welcome to the forum!

    Well that was a crap way to find out about yourself!     I got diagnosed at - 42.    I was a twin so my odd behaviours were masked by my brother - we were treated as a composite person.

    Grab as much support as you can - it's fairly typical that we get overloaded in prolonged social interactions like school and work.  

    Find out as much as you can about potential impacts upon your life - there's a lot of subtle things that you might not have worked out yet.  Smiley.