Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm interested if other people are parents. I have two daughters, age 3 and 7. They are part of what prompted me to speak to my GP about autism as I found myself often being very blunt and cold towards them. My 7yr old told her dad that I love my dog more than her because I give it more attention. I do find stroking my dog soothing, whereas I really struggle with my children trying to grab me all the time. I also feel an aversion to their voices if they speak too loud or too much. It feels so horrible to say that as I do love my children. I can't stand being around young children generally because of the noises that they make, so it isnt just my own children. My 3yr old also told her childminder that I don't like her sitting on my knee, which is true but it sounds absolutely awful when she says it to other people so I just laughed it off.
I dont want my children to think I don't love them.
I have a grown up lad who is wonderful. I was very good at reading stories and trips to interesting places, helping him make stuff and supporting his education. We're both talkers and discussed life the universe and everything from he could talk, which was early. We've always been good mates.
BUT like you I find small children's chaos, mess and play and noise difficult. I used to dred "mummy, can you play with me?" I didn't really play when I was a kid. All I could do was organise his knights such that all the right knights had all the right kit and were posed nicely in a castle scene; essentially what I used to do with my dolls house. When told; "mummy, you're no fun", I'd just excuse myself; "sorry, love, it's been a while since I was eight".
In general I dreaded children's parties and all that. I used to find that thoroughly exhausting. Neither did I ever want to do the mother and baby group thing. I felt zero need to hang about with other mothers talking about the price of nappies. Fortunately, because I worked, my child minder provided a wide range of other chaotic little kids for him to play with.
Strangely though for all I had a childhood wiggling away from being hugged by my parents, I enjoyed my son's affection. I told him I loved him often.
I've never really liked babies, my lad was an accident but I wouldn't swap him for the world.
Your children may need a level of physical affection which is alien to you. But they need it for a healthy development, so it is one of those areas where giving in to NT need is the best choice for their sakes. As for all the other irritants, I found them irritating too, but the good news is they do grow up eventually. Try to ensure you get some breaks away from it to do your own thing, so you can give them attention when more rested. Perhaps as they grow they might become interested in some of the calmer activities you enjoy and you can develop those interests together.