Published on 12, July, 2020
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After being on this forum for a while I noticed that my GPs prediction of a 6 month wait for assessment seemed unrealistic, so I contacted the team and asked them. 6 months for INITIAL assessment, 12-18 months after that for full assessment.
I'd seen someone else on here ask about being assessed at short notice if there was a cancellation so I did that and they said that they could do this.
Meanwhile, coming to terms with waiting as long as 2 years to be clear on whether I am autistic or not is sending my mind spinning. 2 years and then potentially NOT autistic?! I feel connected with you all already and see so many likenesses. I don't think I could handle the rug being pulled put from me after all that wait.
To add to my ups and downs, yesterday I told a new colleague and my new supervisor (I started a new job in January) that I'm awaiting assessment. My colleague was great, nothing insensitive said, very supportive. My supervisor tried to be supportive but said her son was autistic and I'm not like him (then backtracked about everyone being different, the spectrum etc) but then suggested that she speak to some of the team and ask them to make effort to speak to me... I honestly couldn't think of anything more embarrassing. Fortunately I felt able to say no, please don't do that.
I've been off sick today because with the stress and anticipation of these conversations I've got myself really worked up. When I'm stressed I get really bad heartburn and I find it so hard to function with it. I'm a month into my job and I want to leave.
Then I get a random message today and my initial assessment is next month so me emailing seems to have cut the 6 month wait to a 2 month wait, which is great but now I'm anxious about that as well. Autism has helped me to understand myself in this past month or so despite not changing anything in my life except belonging here on this forum. What if this person assesses me and disagrees? What then?
Feeling very sorry for myself. May not reply straight away as I am absolutely exhausted, particularly after yesterday's disclosures.
spend a lifetime hiding and masking ,then worry about not being seen for your real self. You know who you are and thats what really matters . I find even when i try to hid it people see right through me ,
I suppose I've not consciously been hiding, more just trying to blend in without realising it. Now I can see it I find is very disconcerting. I also think I must be good at it as people are surprised or dismissive when I mention even just anxiety, never mine autism.