I got a diagnosis of high functioning autism at 17 (got taken to a psychiatrist and didn’t have a clue why I was there and found it hard to think of an answer when he did ask if I knew. I said “it may be because I don’t have any friends” after thinking, not really realising I could have actually just said “no”. In fact at that time I didn’t even care about not having friends, my mum was more concerned about that than I was).
I didn’t actually get told until I was 27 or 28, though, and finding out felt like mostly a relief but I’ve always had doubts too, especially now - I’ve been seeing a counsellor for 3 months (for what I thought were attachment issues, but now she’s thinking it’s PTSD, with roots in early childhood, adoptive family dynamics and school bullying etc). She agreed with the autism diagnosis initially, and has aspie family members so I think she would know, but she reneged on it last week after I asked the difference between concrete and abstract concepts, and I could understand both. She also said I was good at displaying empathy (hasn’t always been the case, sometimes I’ve just felt really awkward and said nothing, but I guess everyone does that at times).
So now I’m just confused, thinking maybe she’s right, but there are things others on the spectrum have talked about that I relate to, or used to - e.g obsessive interests (horses, riding, drawing, cross stitch, a certain singer - I still have a stack of pages I printed off the internet about him in college that’s about an inch thick and there were more lol. This isn’t someone most people I knew would have described as attractive or even a good singer, either, but I adored him for years. I dropped 3 of these interests because I suddenly didn’t want to do them any more and it got painful to force myself to try and carry on. The singer I rarely listen to now but when I do I still get great pleasure from it). I had a couple of sensory issues as a young child - hated wearing jeans because of how they felt/sounded when I walked, that went away by first school though, and I hated fireworks and very loud bangs until around middle school. Don’t have a huge urge to socialise, been “praised” and complained about for being a quiet person most of my life.
I’ve also got moderate to high scores on the self diagnostic tests, including 8/10 on the EQ.
I get these things don’t necessarily mean autism, and PTSD can/does coexist with it, but it’s hard to disentangle them. I was ok at first but now I’m wishing I could just know definitively. It sounds like the adult assessments are hit and miss, though, so I still might be left without a real answer.
Has anyone else been through similar? What did you do? I don’t mind being told I’m overthinking this and it’s more likely just trauma, rather than trauma and autism.
