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There's a special interest shaped hole in my life

Dormouse

One of the best things about autism is the special interests right? It's what motivates us to work for hours despite comorbid learning difficulties, it's what provides us with a value to employers that outweighs our weaknesses, it's what gives us our identity, happiness and purpose... and I haven't had one for years. I suffered a huge burnout and was kicked off my chemistry degree in 2013. I used to be so into it that I got 5 A*s and a place at Oxford from a bad state school with totally undiagnosed autism, dyslexia and ADHD. Since being kicked out I tried to self-study, I applied to other unis and I did Open Uni modules but the harder I tried the more demoralised I got. I've made a lot of progress obtaining diagnoses, learning study skills, managing my mental health etc. and I've decided to get a good sciencey degree so that I don't have to endure the loss of earnings, independence and intellectual stimulation that comes with staying in low-skilled work for ever. Problem is the once raging fire of interest I had is now a pile of damp ashes and nothing has come to replace it. People keep banging on about following your passions but what if you don't have any? I think it's especially important because given the difficulties I have studying and living away from home I can't just stick something out for the sake of it. On the other hand my future will be bleak if I don't have the capacity to earn higher wages and work on something vaugely rewarding, and I really do miss being immersed in science... Any words of wisdom? How can you tell if an interest has died or if it's merely been overshadowed by years of struggle? Can you rescue an interest like people rescue stale marriages? 

Parents
    • Thank you everyone, that's really encouraging- except maybe that hookaduckduck is disturbingly correct about increased pressure leading to more jumping around and being motivated by wanting to befriend certain people. I have wondered in the past if it's scientists I like rather than science! Joy Hopefully it's both though.
    • I work in a fancy private school full of the nerdy offspring of academics and I struggle to take myself seriously in comparison to them- they all seem to study competitively, effortlessly retain facts and be fluent in several coding languages and they're just kids. Sometimes I think if I had gone to that school I'd be just like them and that if I hadn't spent the last 8 years pouring all my effort into masking and battling with my anxiety and executive dysfunction that I could be an expert in something by now. Other times I think that if I was really interested in science I'd read books or watch videos on it, but perhaps the reason I don't is that I'm always too drained from my attempted adulting. I think I will take the plunge and do a physics degree. If I can start to prove to myself I can do it perhaps I'll start enjoying it too. And Jen, I'm seriously impressed you made it through an Oxford MChem. Sunglasses
Reply
    • Thank you everyone, that's really encouraging- except maybe that hookaduckduck is disturbingly correct about increased pressure leading to more jumping around and being motivated by wanting to befriend certain people. I have wondered in the past if it's scientists I like rather than science! Joy Hopefully it's both though.
    • I work in a fancy private school full of the nerdy offspring of academics and I struggle to take myself seriously in comparison to them- they all seem to study competitively, effortlessly retain facts and be fluent in several coding languages and they're just kids. Sometimes I think if I had gone to that school I'd be just like them and that if I hadn't spent the last 8 years pouring all my effort into masking and battling with my anxiety and executive dysfunction that I could be an expert in something by now. Other times I think that if I was really interested in science I'd read books or watch videos on it, but perhaps the reason I don't is that I'm always too drained from my attempted adulting. I think I will take the plunge and do a physics degree. If I can start to prove to myself I can do it perhaps I'll start enjoying it too. And Jen, I'm seriously impressed you made it through an Oxford MChem. Sunglasses
Children
  • in reply to Dormouse

    Eeeek! Not sure if I'm happy to be "disturbingly correct" or not!!! 

    I used to be obsessive about playing bass guitar though and once I knew I was moving away to university and wouldn't have the same friendship group I immediately lost interest in it despite the hours and hours I'd play every day. It still disturbs me now over a decade later that my passion was gone so suddenly. 

    Now I'm realising I'm probably autistic it makes more sense to me though. I just hate the realisation that I may lose the love of my current interest and not knowing what may replace it makes me feel strange. I don't like the unknown.