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I’m pretty sure I’m autistic but I’m scared help

NAS71391

Hi! I’m  19 and I basically struggled all my life with multiple things, specially the difficulty in creating and maintaining relationships. I always felt like I was broken. I thought I was borderline, bipolar and even a sociopath at some point because I barely have any empathy, which honestly kind of sucks. I got really, really depressed, got eating disorders and a couple of other things until finally, one day a found a youtube video talking about autism in girls and it finally clicked. I had everything the woman on the video was telling me about and I just started crying, it all made so much sense. I did a lot of research, focusing on autistic woman. The more I looked into it the more convinced I was. The fact that woman are usually diagnosed later, masking, special interests, stimming and literally every tiny thing I found out about it was fitting in more and more with me and all the struggled that I have. 

Yet, the minute I got out of my little research utopia, I started noticing how the world doesn’t see it like that. My sister is a psychologist and I started noticing she constantly talks about how too many people are misdiagnosed with autism just so they can put them on meds and that a lot of them aren’t “autistic enough” or “don’t even look autistic, therefore they aren’t” and that made me really, really scared. I’ve been looking into getting a diagnosis but I’m terrified that the therapist will say I’m making everything up, even though I struggled so much with this my whole life. I’m scared they’ll say I’m “not autistic enough” ,mainly because I’ve been heavily relying on masking for a really long time, and send me away. If that happens I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to talk to a therapist again. Do any of you have some kind of advice? Please I’m desperate.

Thank you so much

Parents

  • With respect to your sister, just being a psychologist doesn't make her an expert in Autism. My brother is a scientist but that doesn't mean he is an expert in every field of science. Only in the one he studies. I have two cousins, neither 'looks' Autistic and yet they were diagnosed as children. And finally, Autism doesn't automatically mean you require meds. So her view of Autism appears limited, despite her field of study.

    I was fortunate in that whilst I am as yet, undiagnosed, it was my Counsellor who spotted the signs. She had experience with Autistic children so when assisting me (at 38-39 years old) with my PTSD treatment, she noticed similarities that no one else, not even I had noticed. Since the time she referred me, I've been trying to understand it.

    The only people remotely qualified in giving you a formal diagnosis are the people trained to identify it. Even that isn't fool proof but you shouldn't accept anyone, professional included you dismisses it out of hand without taking it into consideration. It's why so many, woman particularly, have been missed and why so many of us are being diagnosed in later life.

    You also shouldn't let the lack of diagnosis stop you from using the techniques created by and for autistic people that could benefit you in living your life to the best of your ability. It's the one regret I have with not knowing earlier as I gave up a career I loved because I didn't understand why I couldn't cope and ended up developing Depression and Anxiety disorder as a result. 

    People often bring their own bias with them even if they don't realise it. I had a problem with my foot, sat down with a doctor who told me, without even looking, I just needed to lose weight and it would be fine. I felt absolutely dejected by that as deep inside, I knew there was more going on. It took two years and constant use of painkillers, before I finally got to a specialist who told me the tendon in my foot had come away from the bone. I had surgery to reconstruct my foot, and reattach the tendon. I had three month recovery and still have issues now.

    I know it seems scary. If it helps, I'm scared to get to my referral and find they say it's not Autism. It would feel like starting from scratch again. But don't use it as a reason not to try. Your stronger than you think you are.  

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  • With respect to your sister, just being a psychologist doesn't make her an expert in Autism. My brother is a scientist but that doesn't mean he is an expert in every field of science. Only in the one he studies. I have two cousins, neither 'looks' Autistic and yet they were diagnosed as children. And finally, Autism doesn't automatically mean you require meds. So her view of Autism appears limited, despite her field of study.

    I was fortunate in that whilst I am as yet, undiagnosed, it was my Counsellor who spotted the signs. She had experience with Autistic children so when assisting me (at 38-39 years old) with my PTSD treatment, she noticed similarities that no one else, not even I had noticed. Since the time she referred me, I've been trying to understand it.

    The only people remotely qualified in giving you a formal diagnosis are the people trained to identify it. Even that isn't fool proof but you shouldn't accept anyone, professional included you dismisses it out of hand without taking it into consideration. It's why so many, woman particularly, have been missed and why so many of us are being diagnosed in later life.

    You also shouldn't let the lack of diagnosis stop you from using the techniques created by and for autistic people that could benefit you in living your life to the best of your ability. It's the one regret I have with not knowing earlier as I gave up a career I loved because I didn't understand why I couldn't cope and ended up developing Depression and Anxiety disorder as a result. 

    People often bring their own bias with them even if they don't realise it. I had a problem with my foot, sat down with a doctor who told me, without even looking, I just needed to lose weight and it would be fine. I felt absolutely dejected by that as deep inside, I knew there was more going on. It took two years and constant use of painkillers, before I finally got to a specialist who told me the tendon in my foot had come away from the bone. I had surgery to reconstruct my foot, and reattach the tendon. I had three month recovery and still have issues now.

    I know it seems scary. If it helps, I'm scared to get to my referral and find they say it's not Autism. It would feel like starting from scratch again. But don't use it as a reason not to try. Your stronger than you think you are.  

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