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What helped you understand you had aspergers?

NAS71218

I have an ex partner who seems to be on the spectrum. I learned after the breakup from friends that many of them considered him to be Aspergers, but none of them had bothered to or attempted to talk to him about it because they were convinced he would not be receptive. I hadn't noticed at the time, only understood that we had a repetitive and painful cycle that just didn't feel like it had to be that way. It was like all of a sudden it all clicked, I felt horrible for misunderstanding him for so long and desperate to explain what was going on.

It still hurts years later and I do still miss him, but I understand now at least why things ended up the way they did. 

We've started to talk again only recently, ever since COVID forced socializing into being mostly online. I brought up the possibility at one point, but didn't go into much detail because I did not want to overwhelm him. With what I know about him, I'm fairly certain that while he was patient in listening he was very unlikely to research it on his own afterward. I love him a lot still and I really want him to be able to understand that maybe things weren't the way they seem, both for him and me. 

Did you have any particular resources that resonated/helped you understand if you had Asperger's?

Do you have any pointers on how to approach this conversation?

Some disclaimers/additional information:

-We are fairly young (me being 25 and him being 30).

-I want to acknowledge quickly here that I could be wrong, I am not a psych. But the evidence I've seen and read after everything so strongly leans towards it that I felt it necessary to look for more information.

-It's a little hard to fit all the complexities of a relationship into this post, if there are any questions or concerns that I can expand on please let me know

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  • I get where you're coming from. I'd be patient, let it percolate. I started to twig about me but it took almost 2 years until i read a decent book on it, then 4 months before i took the AQ test online. It was the kids book All Cats Have Aspergers that opened my mind to the idea, and even though a guy it was Aspergirls that started to confirm it. I've not found an equivalent book for men. Keep Clear might work though different it style. Unless he's got a motivation to find out, like there's a pattern in his life that causes him problems, he's unlikely to be interested.

    I've a similar issue with my best friend. Clear now he's AS, we fell out and repair has been slow. I'm not going to throw AS in, but talk through his traits as they emerge. Then once we've talked through 2-3 traits say they're compatible with AS. Might take a year, might never get there. In the end it's how the traits disrupt life that matters, not a diagnosis. I think your clarity on the impact of the traits is all you need to make sense together of the dynamics beyween you.

    Are you thinking of getting back with him?

Reply

  • I get where you're coming from. I'd be patient, let it percolate. I started to twig about me but it took almost 2 years until i read a decent book on it, then 4 months before i took the AQ test online. It was the kids book All Cats Have Aspergers that opened my mind to the idea, and even though a guy it was Aspergirls that started to confirm it. I've not found an equivalent book for men. Keep Clear might work though different it style. Unless he's got a motivation to find out, like there's a pattern in his life that causes him problems, he's unlikely to be interested.

    I've a similar issue with my best friend. Clear now he's AS, we fell out and repair has been slow. I'm not going to throw AS in, but talk through his traits as they emerge. Then once we've talked through 2-3 traits say they're compatible with AS. Might take a year, might never get there. In the end it's how the traits disrupt life that matters, not a diagnosis. I think your clarity on the impact of the traits is all you need to make sense together of the dynamics beyween you.

    Are you thinking of getting back with him?

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