Don't like to be touched

Yep. I don't do touch - although I wonder how much of that is due to emotionally absent parents. Or maybe I just doubt the sincerity of the gesture. I can do it if I have to, there's no warmth in it and it doesn't come naturally.

Quite happy for a cat to park himself on my chest though.

Ethan said:

Yep. I don't do touch - although I wonder how much of that is due to emotionally absent parents.

Quite a lot I would say. I would also add - emotionally immature, emotionally unstable, emotionally insecure, emotionally confused or emotionally closed to the list that can be passed on, transferred, picked -up on, copied, acted-out - by sensitive children of such parent/s. I'm not an expert so I'm kinda reluctant to use the word hereditary but that's how it feels like to me.

My psychologist would agree with you. Since my diagnosis I do want to unpick my psyche and say this is to do with x  % autism and y % upbringing but there's no way to do that without disappearing down a rabbit hole so I guess that'll have to be one of those mysteries that I'll have to learn to live with.

Reading people's lockdown experiences, and how they miss touch in everyday life, is an indicator for me as to how important it is in emotional regulation and stability - and that sense of connection with others. 

My psychologist would agree with you. Since my diagnosis I do want to unpick my psyche and say this is to do with x  % autism and y % upbringing but there's no way to do that without disappearing down a rabbit hole so I guess that'll have to be one of those mysteries that I'll have to learn to live with.

Reading people's lockdown experiences, and how they miss touch in everyday life, is an indicator for me as to how important it is in emotional regulation and stability - and that sense of connection with others. 

I understand what you mean and I know visiting the past can be painful and processing it can take time but for me it was necessary. Everyone finds their own way I guess. I don't think I had any choice in the end but to confront it and come to terms with it through understanding. Painful as it was,  ( in my case ) I came away with powerful insights into what was stored in my body's memory and why. Right from my earliest memories of environment onwards. I was also very surprised to find how many traits & behavior patterns I had inherited from both parents in my own psyche. Eerily so. Looking back at my own life, I see now how these body memories were barriers for me and how some of these repetitive, emotional patterns I had experienced for much of my life were also present, unconsciously in both parents collectively and were their greatest barriers and causes of suffering too. These are only the negatives of course. There are positives too and everyone's upbringing or environment will differ. I think I had always blocked and buried these repetitive emotions/feelings rather than understand them and I paid heavily for that.

It can be overwhelming but in my case, it wouldn't let me go without dealing with it all. Understanding the ' why ' part was imperative for me. I don't think I compartmentalise  it anymore as much into categories like upbringing or Autism. In the grand scheme of things, in the bigger picture, these are only words after all that humans have made up to communicate with each other and we call it language. We are often told acceptance is key and it is but there isn't one road for everyone. I had to take my own road and there were a few rabbit holes along the way but they are easier to spot now.

For me, it was understanding why. Or simply - understanding. 

I feel sensitive and mindful of the fact that everyone's upbringing and body memory will be different ( and I have to emphasize that I am speaking here only of mine.) From one end, some have experienced horrible trauma, while at the other, it can be puzzling to see how environment played a part at all in their disorder. 

It took me a while to process the relationships or differences/confusion between brain development, environment, inter-generational stress, genes and biology and the theories of Dr Mate and others but I think I am getting it now.