Published on 12, July, 2020
I have always struggled in the work place.
I have worked for my current employer for two years. This is a true record for me. Usually I can hold a post for six month to a year, maximum.
My experiences in work places has been nothing short of traumatic. I deeply struggle.
I do better at reading people now in my 40's than I did in my first 30 years. My current employer isn't a terrible one. I think they are actually really good and I often tell them that I love my job and that they are the best employer I have ever had.
However, I am really struggling. I find that the deeper into a workplace I go, the more I feel out of depth. The waters seem to get muddier and I feel like I'm wading into a thick fog.
I work hard and I try my best to do things right but I always feel like disaster is just on the horizon. I will miss regular social cues and I can easily miss impending doom. However, I am also super sensitive and can at times feel when something is wrong even if every one does the usual NT thing of telling me everything is fine.
I can't do the right dance if no one will tell me what tune is playing. I am always worried that I am missing something.
A colleague recently told me that all the managers are good with me but that I need to watch my back when it comes to the big boss. This was definitely specifically about me. he wouldn't tell me anything else.
Now I feel like it's all going to fall apart and that I have no understanding or control over it. I can't tell anyone because this person shouldn't have told me this and that kind of complicated he said, she said never end well for us.
I'm devastated. I love my job. I felt valued and empowered and was so proud to be part of the team. Now I feel like it was a stupid fantasy and that I am probably not really of any value and am being watched and even plotted against.
I don't think I could face another job. I want to work but I just can't handle all the trauma that comes with it. My world feels like it's falling apart and I want so badly to withdraw and hide from this. I don't know how I am going to manage in work today. I feel like whatever I do, it will just make things worse.
I didn't know where else to go with this. It's hard to find people who understand me.
I have to go into work now and for the first time since starting there, I just don't want to go in.
Thank you raspberrypie and aidie. I really appreciate your input guys.
I am not being driven out of the company but the big boss wants to remove me from my current role. A role I have dedicated myself to and worked really hard at because I genuinely enjoyed it. I can't go into details, partly because I don't have all of the details and because I can't say anything that might reveal the persons identity.
I don't believe I am over reacting. I am reacting in a way that matches what is happening and how I feel about it. It doesn't matter whether I simply don't care or am distraught. Both reactions are valid and neither over the top or not enough.
So, while I am probably not being driven out of the business altogether, I will be removed from my role and sent to another department.
I don't know where I will be going and I don't know why. I won't enjoy any other role they have as much as the one I am in.
However, today I lost all my passion and drive for the role I loved so much. It isn't unreasonable to find it difficult and upsetting. It's ok for me to feel emotional and it's ok if I have a full blown meltdown about it.
Having considered this and other factors, I have decided to request a reduction in my hours. I can then ensure I have time for things I do enjoy and can dedicate more of my time to my child. So I expect that it won't be so bad in the end.
I would try to not worry about things until they happen. The manager of your team might want you out but the manager of the other team would need to have a space for you and actually want you, if you say you wouldn't like the job then why would they be hunting to have you?
Your manager can't just decide for everyone else is what I'm saying. Also your "friend" might be gossiping because NTs have a need to have information and spread it about, it's like they like to exchange information and favours and if they don't have real information or the information they have isn't interesting enough to get good trade they will embellish a bit to make their information more valuable. So they might be tying up your manager being asked to help the other manager with recruitment with you being shifted just to make their information more valuable.