Published on 12, July, 2020
haven't had one in almost a couple decades, and don't foresee one anytime soon, if ever. it's just too hard being around someone, i need to do things my way, i hate cleaning things (except washing the dishes, i love to cook, although it's often the same exact thing), i don't[ bother screwing in light bulbs that burn out (i use solar lights i carry around and prop up, for crying out loud), and my house is so messy and revolting that i can't have anyone in... i seem to have my own slug-like rhythm, which i don't want others intruding on. in short, i am impossible to be around, and i find others impossible to tolerate, and probably will lash out at them sooner rather than later.
i am very private, very into myself, and don't let others into my world. having another person around, on an intimate or even semi-intimate basis, would just feel like an intrusion. i'd be like a cat on ice. literally. just super uncomfortable and exposed. i can't stand that. it feels like part of my aspergers - this need to be private. there's the social person (try to act normal) and the private person (secret and hidden under wraps). with 'close' friends, i generally am around them only for a couple hours at a time. that's it, without exception.
i feel some in the asd community are very very isolated, while most seem to be fairly or very social. i guess i'm asking the totally isolated ones for their input.
The hope of a romantic relationship is the thing i'm most pessimistic about. I've been single for 16.5 of the last 18 years.
Sometimes I give up and am happy about that. I do seem to be happy by myself. But I can also see I value each of the compnents of a relationship, dailyness, someone knowing my dailyness, connection, cuddles, doing things for another, planning things together, etc. I did therapy and she seemed to kinda instil in me that i should aim for one, but i wonder if that's an NT thing, or whether she was right.
My problem is I'm happy enough single, then someone messy comes along that I fall for and we fail to get into a relationship and then I suffer for 6-9-12 months. I contribute to not getting into the relationship cos i don't know how. So getting into a relationship would save me the heartache of falling for someone who struggles to do it.
i have never met many people, and those i do i present a false NT self... at least, i have in the past. now i seem to need my pace and space, and people just interfere with that. not that happy by myself --- trying to work on that by developing my interests and finally learning to take care of some of my needs (such as need to pay attention to my sensitivities). i actually don't no if i'd want to cuddle a person; more into animals. no, i don't have any....
It's good you're proactively looking after your own needs. I put a lot of effort into keeping myself ticking over, developing interests, etc. It can be exhausting but "keeps you busy" as my gran would say.