Starting the conversation

Hi - your question is extremely common on this forum - it's a classic undiagnosed aspie bloke masking like crazy and trying to survive the crazy stress of life that we suffer from  - and you're witnessing his world starting to fall apart as he's reached the limits of his mask to hide his 'quirks' so you're seeing the random reactions because his internal computer is overloaded.    If he seems weird at the end of the day, it's because too much has happened for him to process so you'll get random outputs - including shouting, shutdowns and him venting all the days stress - but it may feel that he's angry with you, not just the stress of the day. (we're bad at explaining what's happening in the moment and embarrassed afterwards).

In a non-covid world, I'd suggest taking him to a nerdy museum of his interests and when he's completely wound-down because of the comfortable data stimulus, have a chat over lunch - and just lay it out clearly that you're concerned about him, he seems very stressed and that it can an indicator of undiagnosed Asperger's (mention Asperger's - saying 'autism' immediately give the 'Rain Man' image which he will strongly deny) - and if it is, it's no problem and the two of you will find a way to lower his stress - then maybe suggest to him that why not take a couple of online tests just to see if your guess is correct..      

From there onwards, if he's open to the idea, an actual diagnosis is not really necessary if he's on-board with the concept and wants to fix things - the two of you can work it out - there's lots of information on this website about lowering stress.

If he's finding work stressful, a diagnosis will enable him to ask for some adjustments to be put in place to help him be more effective and less stressed - and if he has company health insurance, they might even pay for his private diagnosis - waiting for the NHS can take years.

Be prepared to have to think long-term - do you really want to lead the classic Neurotypical 'consumer lifestyle' grasping and out-doing the neighbours - or do you really want a low-stress lifestyle where you get to enjoy every day.    If he's nearing the limits of his masking, his world view may be very different to the one he projects to please you and to conform with everyone else.   

Long, clear, open chats required.

Good luck!

Wow thank you- everything you have said there is basically happening. Yes I’m trying to plan a chilled evening for me to speak to him, your right I think the language might push him too shut down so I need to think very clearly about my approach.

Typically, aspie blokes (I say aspie because he's clearly very high functioning if he's made it into his 30s undiagnosed) have lots of childhood hobbies or collections of things they can understand - very black and white facts and data.    Usually it's things like Lego, models trains/planes/RC cars/gaming etc. or collections of old radios etc or they do solitary techy pass-times like fishing - where the only social interactions are with similar people.

We are often told to give up our interests to be more 'grown up' but it's always going to be something they want to indulge.

A good way to de-stress is to spend time doing something along those lines like museums or activity days - it allows all the stress of the world to be parked for a while.

These low stress times are when we are 'in the room' and relaxed and open to discussing almost anything - especially hypothetical 'what if' scenarios (we love plans and contingencies) so you'll get the most useful data transferred.   

Make sure you don't attach any emotion to what you're talking about - that will confuse him - data is data - it has no feelings.

my neighbour is like that .... he never stops brick laying/ cement work all weathers. He told me that recently the demand for his work has gone through the roof. He has to hide so many people are after him ! (in a good way )

my neighbour is like that .... he never stops brick laying/ cement work all weathers. He told me that recently the demand for his work has gone through the roof. He has to hide so many people are after him ! (in a good way )