Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm new here and an NT. I am 99% sure my ex boyfriend is an aspie.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking to achieve on here, but I'm hoping it will help some of my confussion. I met my ex online around 19months ago, we had the same political views, and we both loved our pets. Quite quickly we were chatting every day (apart from the odd day or two where he was quiet, but I figured he was busy), but he'd send me pictures of his views from work every day, or pictures of my favourite animal if he saw one. We'd also wish each other goodnight. After a 2-3 months of chatting to him I felt like I'd fallen in love with him, I felt he was the one. He decided to book a hotel near where I lived and said he was going for a little holiday and I could meet him if I liked. Anyway, of course I wanted to meet him, and every morning on the lead up he'd send me a little clock as a countdown. I was so nervous to meet him. We met, and he didn't sound like I expected or behave like I'd thought, I put it down to my expectations being off, and I didn't care, I just really liked him.
On the first night we had dinner, and wine, the hotel was kinda falling apart but it was funny, and we laughed about it being like Fawlty Towers. That night he spooned me, and it was he said 'very natural'. I had to iniciate kissing him, I thought he was a gent and maybe shy because I was 12 years younger than him. We then went to makelove, but he made excuses and said he couldn't do it because he was too nervous. The whole weekend he'd constantly watch politics on his phone, or we;d have to watch sport on his computer. I felt that it was really important to him, and I just liked chilling with him. On the last morning of the weekend I iniciated sex again, but he couldnt do it. For the last few hours I thought he'd go home and never speak to me again, as he'd sit staring at his phone not saying much. I thought he wasn't keen on me, or embarrassed about not being able to do anything with me. He went home, and text me the whole time and we met 2 weeks later. My pet had died a few days before the next meet up, so I was upset. The same sort of thing happened again on this weekend, he could't have sex with me, and had to have the room completely pitch black to even try, so I thought he was be really self concious. On the second night he shouted at me, it came from nowhere. He said his dog hadn't been eating well, and I asked him if he'd ever looked up online what it could be (I thought maybe the brand of food or teeth), and he completely flipped, he shouted at me. As soon as the shouting arrived, it had passed. I was stunned. I'd just lost my pet, and no one had ever shouted at me like that before. He went to bed and slept facing the other way, no cuddle or anything. The next day before catching the train home he appologised, and I said it was okay. He said he'd be coming to mine for xmas. So 3 weeks later he came for xmas, and spent it with me and my family.He walked into my house on xmas eve and threw 2 books at me, and said they were my present. They werent wrapped or anything. I didn;t say anything though. My gift to him was a painting of his church that we both use to talk about. I gave him another drawing of mine he loved too, and painted 3 silly things for him, and some other gifts. When I have him his gifts on xmas eve he shouted at me and said he can't open them as it's not xmas. So I thought maybe he had another present for me on xmas day, but he didn't. He said he;d have to buy me something else. He went home a few days later, and went on a huge spending spree for himself, but never bought me anything, just showed it all off to me like it was for me.
Okay, this is going to be too long for everything, so I'll jump to it. We split up in May as he wouldn't replt to my texts, even though he was on Twitter chatting away. So I cried my eyes out for weeks. I then went onto his instagram that he;d made for his dog, and decided to see how they all were as I missed them. Then I noticed cam girls were liking and commenting on his pics. So I thought they were spammers, but they weren't. Then I noticed he was following and liking, and leaving comment on teenage girl accounts (Onlyfan and cam girl ones), they are legal, but they look arounf 15 in some pictures. So I messaged him in disgust about it. He unfollowed them. Then a few weeks later we started talking, and he moved my artwork onto a better place in his house. He;d send me pictures of them, and he'd show me the roses he;d bought because I told him to. We slowly started getting back together, and he was meant to come over before this xmas, but due to lockdown couldn't. So I noticed he was back following those teenage girls again, and commenting. I did further investiagting and it seems he is a financial contributor to them too. I've been heartbroken. He'd never send me any gifts or make love to me, but he would to some teenage girls in Russia. I feel so confused, and hurt. He's 49, so could have daughters their age. I told him I'd wanted a family with him etc. but it looks like he's chosen these girls he'll never meet.
I suppose I'd like to ask is watching cam girls and paying for them normal for aspies? Is it easier than a relationship or something? I just feel so hurt.
Glad you're moving on.
Rosesforyou said:I use to tell him what I needed, and he'd say 'okay', then not bother even trying.
Something to think about is what you've asked for - if it's something tangible like "I'd like it if you bought me some red roses every couple of months", he can probably do that - it's specific enough to add to his calendar - but if it's something vague like "show me how much you love me" then he'll agree to it in principal - but won't be able to work out what that really means so nothing will happen.
I'm not making excuses for him - he sounds like a jerk - but ask yourself if you've set him tasks that he cannot possibly complete.
I'm glad to hear you're moving on
I'm glad to hear you moving on, even though you still love him. I've an unfathomable AS love that I'm finding it hard to move on from, and I'm AS too. A very different story but in the end he's just in one long overwhelm and shutdown. Good to here you've plenty of friends, that'll lead to someone else.
Hi, thank you for your response. He certainly is unfathomable, I do still feel love for him, and feel bad for him in some ways, but I did try my best, and sadly I can't do more than that. I use to tell him what I needed, and he'd say 'okay', then not bother even trying. I was in a constant state of being hurt and rejected. I have a lot of friends, and many are male, and I use to cry because they'd communicate with me more than him. I sometimes wish he'd reach out, but he still has me blocked on social media lol.
But the actual servers will usually be hosted overseas - and moved every six months or so to make sure that any search warrants (which can take years to get - even if they can identify the exact hard disc the data is on) can never be effective - it's how all criminals keep their data secure.
Also - if anything *is* hosted in the uk, you can guarantee they are squeeky-clean - it's just too risky for their business.
Also - only fans servers exist everywhere - practically every second-rate 'model' has their pay-site.
I hate it when people assume the servers and people hosted on them are in foreign countries, and that those foreign countries don't have comparable laws, and that international police cooperation doesn't exist.
But the site explicitly mentioned is OnlyFans, who have a UK registered address and are thus well within British jurisdiction. So sorry for knowing how to use a search engine.
Just some guy said:As for looking at girls who appear too young, the law is very strict on this. Indeed call the police - on the girls and the platforms hosting them.
I hate it when people just don't know how international servers work and how there's no way to enforce any uk laws in foreign countries.
Desmond79 said:Thirdly, most young men with Autism were abused as boys;
I really don't think this is true.
Desmond79 said:Send him an ultimatum. If he looks at girls who appear too young; call the police.
Yes - that's right totally destroy a man's life in every possible way on a suspicion on the 'appearance' of a girl based on a foreign website hosted in a foreign country. Good move. NOT. The police won't be able to do a thing except raid his house at 3am, put him in the cells for a couple of days, cost him his job, put him on the sex offenders register, and get him beaten up and get his house burned out - and after a year or two, the 'prosecution ' will eventually go nowhere because there's no way UK police can access off-shore servers. - But why should that matter - you can feel smug about it - and who really cares if he's totally innocent?.
I hate it when puritanical people feel so self righteous that they don't think of the long term consequences of their knee-jerk emotional and religious crusades.
Sorry for my 'triggered' stance on this - no offence meant - just my view..
Desmond79 said:Secondly, men with no luck relationship-wise are easy prey for those who target Little Girls. They know that some guys who appear odd can tend towards deviance.
Seriously? Someone's watching too much late night tv.
Given Christian priests regularly rape children outside of wedlock I'm not sure there are any real barriers to sex outside of marriage for Christians.
Secondly he doesn't have 'no luck', he found a lady that enjoyed his company and wanted a long term relationship.
Thirdly, I haven't heard this claim before and I don't believe it.
As for looking at girls who appear too young, the law is very strict on this. Indeed call the police - on the girls and the platforms hosting them.
It's hard moving away from someone you're in love with, who's shown you their vulnerabilities, that you care for, and that you hope there might be a fix for their behaviour. I do feel for you, and I can hold on too long myself.
Whether he's AS or not the impact he's having on you is the same. Cracking the AS nature of him won't suddenly make it all work. The porn thing is not something I've come across within my AS circles or reading, although I get from others' replies how it could be safer for him.
I really struggle to tell the difference between 18 and 38, but I generally can tell someone is only a bit post pubescent and am not attracted. It sadly is true autists are more likely to have been sexually abused when young and so sex between older adults and young people can be normalised for some due to this.
My guess is it's good you're refering to him as an ex, and have blocked things. I totally get you're nonetheless trying to make sense of things. Some of it sounds typical AS behaviour, some sounds like an AS response to a particular problem, and some will be down to all sorts of other nature/nurture reasons.
If you do end up going forward the key seems to be that you have to find a channel by which to communicate, and he has to open up about what's gone on for him. That's hard for lots of people, and harder for autists generally, potentially impossible. Focus on communicating your needs and the impact on you of his behaviour rather than on focussing on what you think is going on for him.
And find some support where you can lick your wounds. It sounds a shame what's happened but sometimes people are unfathomable:(.
First of all, Christians aren't supposed to have sex outside of marriage. So, you compromised a Bottom Line with him.
Secondly, men with no luck relationship-wise are easy prey for those who target Little Girls. They know that some guys who appear odd can tend towards deviance.
Thirdly, most young men with Autism were abused as boys; as well. They know little about innocence, as their innocence was stolen.
Send him an ultimatum. If he looks at girls who appear too young; call the police.
Apologies for any triggers. This is too close to the bone for me, as I was attending Forensics for being drawn to girls that age; myself.
Relationships are very hard work but no, I'm not sure autism spectrum disorders have any bearing on attraction to pornography. It's just too popular for us to be the only ones viewing it.
I'm not sure there's any link to camgirls either. Online chat is a strength for people with ASD because it removes facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. Putting a video camera and audio into the equation eliminates those levellers, so doesn't really help with the interaction. Although I guess someone being paid to find you charming and flirt with you will give different responses to real-life partner.
Again though, OnlyFans can't be generating all that revenue just from autistic people, so I'd be chary of assuming aspies are any different with regard to risque video chat services - I've never even visited the site, just isn't of interest to me.
Your situation is difficult but it doesn't feel that you're getting what you need from the relationship. It's irrelevant whether he's on teh autism spectrum or not, you need someone that'll make you happy and interact at a level you understand. Not the best time to be looking for a new partner but might nonetheless be your best option.
Have a wonderful 2021 anyway :)
i'm sort of relieved for you, when you say it's over.... my room mate when i was in a mental ward was really bizarre, kind of violent, and later i read about him in all the news in the colonies (usa) where he got into huge trouble, and had led a really sad life. i could tell he was a good guy --- kind of scarey to be around.
Thank you for your reply. I know, it’s sad. I have noticed him taking an interest in autism threads on twitter, I know that could mean nothing though. I’m at the end of a forensic psychology degree, so I know I could never diagnose him or say anything to him about it, as it’s for him to decide to look into things or tell me. But, he won’t be telling me anything now as it’s completely over. I miss him, and I do love him, but for my sanity I have to move on. I honestly don’t think he’s a bad person, I just don’t think he realises his behaviour isn’t acceptable.
Thank you. Yeah I know I must move on:)
It's perhaps worth noting that some people (girls/guys/non-binary) pay for porn because they like the interaction aspect, and they genuinely like the person who has made the porn and want them to be directly rewarded/remunerated for the work they're putting in :)
i tried reading most of this --------- the more i read, the more dysfunctional and messed up this guy sounds. i guess you could have an *open* relationship or some such thing, if he's open and honest about his porn interest. i guess it depends on how destructive it is. from what i read, it didn't sound like he had much insight into his blow ups. i think the first thing is he'd have to i guess find out if he is aspie --- you're not qualified to make that diagnosis.
If he's making choices like sending money to a girl on the internet rather than investing it real life then I think he's firmly in the a-hole category.
His issue is that there is zero stress from a cam girl - simple transaction - satisfaction guaranteed. Real life is too much like hard work and nothing is guaranteed - and worse still, he may get stress and hassle from a real person - he's making a very logical choice - from his perspective.
Sorry, but I think it's time to move on.
Politics has been his thing since he was 10 apparently, so I admired that. His other passion was music, he’d play romantic songs to me in the car, and I fell in love with him even more. Umm I guess you’re right about the cam girls being easier for him, but it hurt when I’d send him lingerie pics and he’d only send me a thumbs up emoji. And the fact that he sent them money (£70), when he wouldn’t even send me valentines flowers. Other men sent me flowers, and he didn’t think of sending me any, just said he was one of the many men that fancied me. I’m sad because he’s blocked me on twitter, so I don’t think he’ll speak to me again now. Plus the constant breadcrumbs has been torture for me, when all I wanted was love.
I'd always steer clear of politics as a 'hobby' - it's all opinions so you're always going to end up in an argument - fact-based topics like cars and planes are much easier
As for the cam girls - blokes are lazy so are always looking for the easiest/most accessible outlet for their desires so women flaunting all their specialist sexual skills are easier to think about than trying to deal with the complexity of a real person.