Autistic adult...i seem to be creating a character that isnt mine

so glad i asked I'm away to read up on Blythe

"Really to laugh at oneself, and laugh at oneself laughing at oneself, - this is enlightenment"

Basho. I started following Blythe, and have made Musashi work in diplomacy.

In a way, as a result, the real answer is also, life

who is your favourite Zen master ?

Your true self - is a feeling, nothing else. It comes through when your mind stops using word - thinking word, wording thngs through etc. So when in hyper focus - YOU are right there - no words - just feeling.

To my surprise, my zen affinity, merged with my diplomat's long-distance empathy and a long study of meridians - acupuncture maps are as good as it gets, but be aware the auras are beyond the body - has given me functional Reiki mastery. My christian root gives me far more power if justified, though. Satori comes close.

My standby avatar to Rahere (look him up) is another wise fool, Robert Armin, the creator of Feste, and of the second school of humour (the first is slapstick), namely intellectual comedy, the pun. We even have his working papers, Fool upon Folle (pronounced folly), and A Nest of Ninnies. The result is in Touchstone, and Jacques, who reveals his creator was one of us, in his Soliloquy. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

Our facets are our jester's motley. WS Gilbert mocks it in Koko's internal debate on the organisation of an execution, but also sympathises with the outcast jester, Jack Point, a study in miniature of an Aspie. Not enough a man of the people either to lead or lead an opposition, a high-functioning Aspie is quicksilver, touch and gone, the mediator of Organisational theory, the very oldest of roles in folk history.

Should you reject facets of yourself? Quite possibly, as a snake sheds its skin to grow. The old you has learned, behold the new you. But deep inside, unobserved by your mind, is the you of basic reflexes, carrying the deepest scars, and it's not bothered by the airy fairy stuff. You threaten my survival, sunshine, and I'll give it my all. Your Keira. Your reptilian brain. You'll never kill her, she's your right to live.

Meditation's actually allowed her out, it slides past the mind's defences protecting her. She can be coaxed and gentled, she's just been hurt when she shouldn't have been. Forgive yourself, and the inner star that's so offended can learn to shine again.

going along I have  created 7 or so personas ( personalities ) which i can switch between.  Most are beneficial ( "The coach/soldier" when hiking or hill walking ) but my last one is "Kiera" can be very nasty,. She was created to fight or defend me for some reason.     

If you really want to know yourself u need to start with meditation  --- I am 3/4 years  into this stuff and you will find are some very shocking things about yourself which u have to deal with. Its hard work but I am not stopping as I feel I am fixing things and starting to see reality as it is.

the alternative is CBT but it isnt ongoing and people seem to stop progressing after the course is over. But do it if u are offered it as it gets u into correct frame of mind.

I use my meditation to challenge the existence of these personas and in within my head i ask the bad ones to leave or i go through a visualisation of me killing them with a sword ( this weakens them ) . I have reduced/weaken the nasty personas to something I can see coming now and stop before they take over.  The good ones I am keeping for a while longer they should eventually go.

I started meditation to reduced my anxiety and it worked for that then I stumbled on "killing unwanted personalities" somewhere and applied it.

Hi! I do think that it’s reasonably common for Autistic people to struggle with a sense  of ‘who’ they are. I don’t know if this is because we tend to view the component parts of things (ie the different things that make up who we are such as occupation, hobbies, roles in life etc) as opposed to as a whole?

You are you. It makes me sad that so many of us few the need to act in order to fit in. Despite all the acting that you feel that you have had to do. ‘You’ are still in there :-) What type of things do you do? What are your hobbies? What are your life roles? These things all form parts of the jigsaw of you. 

What I would say, is that my sense of self has got better with age. I’m 40 now and I have a much better idea of who I am and what I am about than I did when I was 20.