Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
Let me first of all clarify that I appreciate when people try to do nice things for me. It’s a way of expressing affection and so is nice. I have said I find the social obligations around gifts hard to understand and know others on the spectrum do too. Many people not on the spectrum seem to find it hard to appreciate why the unknown nature of gifting and how anxious I get before such horrific events as Christmas or Birthdays are part of how my autism impacts on my overall health. I don’t hate a gift but I have no idea what the hell to do with them or why you have got me one! And after 40 years on this planet I still do not get it!
So now the question: how do you deal with gifts that you won’t use because they don’t suit your sensory needs or preferences without offending the giver or wasting their money?
I have found despite being asked what is suitable or what I want this is usually ignored. My parents asked what I wanted for Christmas so I said about some running shorts (gave type, brand and size to make sure they knew and avoid any awkwardness - I have sensitivity to some fabrics) and said that I don’t need socks as I have literally 40 pairs (and like I said above have to use certain ones), and not to buy smellies as I have plenty (I only use certain things because of smell sensitivity and eczema/allergies). Christmas Day comes... 3 lots of smellies I cannot use and a load of socks (not even my size), no running shorts.... Now here is the difficult bit. How do I approach this? I have done so before with a script like the following:
”I am really grateful for the gifts but I may need to exchange some as they aren’t quite right. I find some deodorants set my eczema off and the socks are too small. I am not saying I don’t like them but they are not suitable. I will exchange them and buy the running shorts if that is ok with you?”
Experience has been that this will result in me being told I am rude and ungrateful. Some people get nothing and such like... I know I am lucky to have people want to get me stuff but to me it is like someone asking me what I want to eat and me saying I am allergic to shellfish and them bringing me shellfish to eat (which is an actual thing that has happened). How do other autistic people deal with this social situation?
My girlfriend bought me a few things I don’t like but fortunately they do fit and she was like “well they don’t fit so don’t worry” but she also bought me a lovely picture I like but it’s not framed and to frame it will cost me about £80. I would rather return the print and get a ore framed one as that will be about £20. Again I don’t know how to approach this without causing upset but I am really not wanting to put the pic up without a frame as it will get dirty (dust and dirt really offends me) but am annoyed that knowing my sensory issues they weren’t taken into account.
If any NT reading this thinks it sounds moody of me then I feel sorry for the Autistic people in your life. However if anyone can help me negotiate this so my sensory needs are met and I don’t upset people that I really don’t want to upset then please let me know!
Phew! Well, in the NT world, of course, the only correct response is gush with gratitude, tell them how much you love it (even though you don't) and then leave it in the back of the cupboard until you send it to the charity shop or give it away. NTs are only sometimes actually grateful for their presents. The pretending is for the benefit of the giver. It comes under that category of "white lies" we don't get. But you've worked that out by now, right? I did the hard way when I was 10 and realised Santa was my parents. They didn't get why I was furious they'd lied to me, rather than appreciative of their effort. I know, I'd still rather folks hadn't wasted cash they maybe didn't have, than bother just so they could wrap something.
Personally, this is the reason I HATE Christmas, all this social pressure to spend hundreds buying stuff no one really wants or needs for the sake of opening something.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when someone gave me something they really thought hard about and gave it with love, generally when neither Christmas nor birthday made gift buying an imperative. I truly treasure thoes things. Likewise, I've been known to just buy something for someone I love because I saw it and knew it was absolutely them and they would love it. But I hate having to do that "because it's Christmas". Anything bought under thoes circumstances, tends to be just wrong.
All you can do is what you are doing...be explicit about what you want and if that doesn't work, acknowledge the thought at least. You could try agreeing with your nearest and dearest just to keep it to an exchange of cards or to make a donation to your favourite charity in your name.