Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
Let me first of all clarify that I appreciate when people try to do nice things for me. It’s a way of expressing affection and so is nice. I have said I find the social obligations around gifts hard to understand and know others on the spectrum do too. Many people not on the spectrum seem to find it hard to appreciate why the unknown nature of gifting and how anxious I get before such horrific events as Christmas or Birthdays are part of how my autism impacts on my overall health. I don’t hate a gift but I have no idea what the hell to do with them or why you have got me one! And after 40 years on this planet I still do not get it!
So now the question: how do you deal with gifts that you won’t use because they don’t suit your sensory needs or preferences without offending the giver or wasting their money?
I have found despite being asked what is suitable or what I want this is usually ignored. My parents asked what I wanted for Christmas so I said about some running shorts (gave type, brand and size to make sure they knew and avoid any awkwardness - I have sensitivity to some fabrics) and said that I don’t need socks as I have literally 40 pairs (and like I said above have to use certain ones), and not to buy smellies as I have plenty (I only use certain things because of smell sensitivity and eczema/allergies). Christmas Day comes... 3 lots of smellies I cannot use and a load of socks (not even my size), no running shorts.... Now here is the difficult bit. How do I approach this? I have done so before with a script like the following:
”I am really grateful for the gifts but I may need to exchange some as they aren’t quite right. I find some deodorants set my eczema off and the socks are too small. I am not saying I don’t like them but they are not suitable. I will exchange them and buy the running shorts if that is ok with you?”
Experience has been that this will result in me being told I am rude and ungrateful. Some people get nothing and such like... I know I am lucky to have people want to get me stuff but to me it is like someone asking me what I want to eat and me saying I am allergic to shellfish and them bringing me shellfish to eat (which is an actual thing that has happened). How do other autistic people deal with this social situation?
My girlfriend bought me a few things I don’t like but fortunately they do fit and she was like “well they don’t fit so don’t worry” but she also bought me a lovely picture I like but it’s not framed and to frame it will cost me about £80. I would rather return the print and get a ore framed one as that will be about £20. Again I don’t know how to approach this without causing upset but I am really not wanting to put the pic up without a frame as it will get dirty (dust and dirt really offends me) but am annoyed that knowing my sensory issues they weren’t taken into account.
If any NT reading this thinks it sounds moody of me then I feel sorry for the Autistic people in your life. However if anyone can help me negotiate this so my sensory needs are met and I don’t upset people that I really don’t want to upset then please let me know!
Quick update - Spoke to my parents and they are mad at me. I could tell because my mum was giving me a hundred questions why I am allergic to some stuff, why size 11 socks won't fit me when I have size 13 feet etc? Oh well, if I don't get receipts I will have a trip to charity shop.
Girlfriend is being a lot more awkward. I said I don't want to put an unframed canvas up as it will get dirty (legitimately my only issue with it - I love it!) and to get it framed will cost double what the picture cost. I would like to return it and get a framed print of the same picture instead as this will solve the issue. She doesn't like that plan and I have no idea why. Are all NTs so illogical and moody?
If someone is mad at me, I ask them what they want and why they are mad.I try to listen and come up with a solution that fits both sides. Maybe that helps? Sorry if this is bad advice.