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Please help! Any ideas on calming an upset 3yr old with Aspergers??

dannysmum09

Hi, we're really new to this, our son is still waiting for formal diagnosis but is often anxious and upset - he can't yet explain what is bothering him and we're often unsure what to do. Going out is becoming more stressful despite explaining things to him and sometimes nothing seems to calm him down. Any tips or advice massively appreciated!!

  • I have twin 3 year old boys, one diagnosed with ASD and one possible sensory issues.

    I feel your pain, I never know when it's ASD/sensory or about being 3!

    To be honest I try and follow "gentle discipline" as part of attachment parenting theory. The idea is you work hard to form an attachment that is based on trust with your child (which has been extra helpful with my ASD boy who is in his own world a lot).

    But the idea is to teach, not to punish.

    I try very hard to use games, persuasion and negotiation before moving to "making them do something" or any threats.

    If you don't make a big deal in the first place and suggest things, then you never have to go back on what you said as it wasn't an order but a suggestion.

    Re. How to calm them down - I find being as calm as possible yourself helps.

    Validate their feelings, like "I know you don't want to go in the car". Rather than "I know you don't want to go in the car but you have to". The second one invalidates their feelina and makes them angrier. You still put them in the car but sympathise.

    I have more stuff I do but I have two monkeys to put to bed!

  • Use reward-based motivation as in "If you do X you can have Y".

    Don't use punishment-based motivation as in "If you don't do X you won't get Y".

  • hi - it's easy to give in when they're upset!!  Done it many times myself.  And yes, distinguishing between typical 3 yr old behaviour + the aspergers will be difficult.  On balance I think it's better not to give in.  Maybe the allowances are confusing him?

  • It's not usually the moderation policy for the moderator to mis-read the comments!

    Please accept my sincere apologies for the stupid error that previously appeared here.

    Regards,

    Alex R - mod

  • Thanks for advice, we have a routine throughout week, he knows exactly what happens on each day but weekends tend to vary. The main problem is that they are telling us he is low level on the spectrum which is good but we are finding it hard to tell what is down to his Asbergers and what is just 'normal' 3 yr old behaviour. It feels like since we started to give him more allowances his behaviours are more difficult to manage. Just really confused when to insist he follows an instruction or whether to give in because he's upset...

  • hi dannysmum09.  It's difficult when you can't get to the bottom of things.  Does he have a routine, day in, day out?  Changes to that routine will upset him, esp if he's looking forward to going somewhere + expecting it all to work out that way. Sometimes we have a routine which we don't recognise ourselves, but our children do.    Explaining things can be difficult if he doesn't follow what your're saying.  On the other hand, he may follow what you're saying but won't like what he's hearing!  How old is he + is he verbal?  My son, in his 20s, can either explain straight away what's wrong or cannot explain at all.   Sometimes it may be because he's had a number of stressors during the day + they've all piled up on him, or the sequence of events might be long so he hasn't been able to follow it all thru.  All I can suggest is you look in detail at your daily routine. Do you tend to do the same things each day?  What happens in relation to your child if you don't?  That sort of thing..........bw.