Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
Not sure how this will go down, I'm very much expecting 'it's an explanation and not an excuse, you need to face the consequences' sort of replies. But here we go.
I am a person in their 30s. I was diagnosed as being autistic last year. Obviously, getting through so much of my life without being diagnosed, I'm been pretty good at masking. Generally thought of as a bit of a weird person but not massively socially awkward in that really classic Aspergers way.
I first went down the route of looking into an autism diagnosis when a woman I slept with said that I made her feel uncomfortable and pressured. I was completely shocked- it's the worst feeling I have ever had in my life. I listened to her, and apologised, obviously, and she forgave me. But the scariest thing for me is that I had no idea. I knew that if I was in the same situation again, I just wouldn't be anymore aware.
A few months later, I had been flirting with someone. Nothing happened other than generally us both being flirting and tactile, but the next day she told me that I was too touchy feely and it made her feel uncomfortable. Unlike the other person, this person wouldn't talk to me again, or discuss the situation any further.
I began to very much worry about my behaviour. I asked some previous people I'd slept with whether I'd ever made them feel uncomfortable. One friend told me of one incident that made her feel uncomfortable, when I had masturbated in front of her. This was about 8 years previous, and I had always thought it was a completely consensual act- we had kissed, she had touched me sexually, and I thought she had implied that I should touch myself. I realised that the reason I jumped to this assumption was because this was something my ex liked me to do, and I realised that I had been judging my behaviour around sex only on how other people had reacted in the past, if that makes sense. I didn't realise you could ask people directly about sexual stuff- I was too embarrassed. I generally assumed that everyone would just say something if they didn't want to do a sexual act, or if they felt uncomfortable, and that everybody's boundaries were more or less the same.
Obviously the autism diagnosis gives me a framework through which to understand my actions, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I have no idea if I've made other people feel uncomfortable in the past, but in all probability I probably have. Obviously after realising that I made people feel uncomfortable, I started asking for very clear consent at all stages of having sex. A number of recent partners have said to me now, especially when I have spoken to them about my past, that they have never felt more sexually comfortable or safe with anyone, and that I'm extremely considerate and they always feel listened to. But it doesn't ease the awful guilt of how I've made people feel in the past.
Now it's got to the point where I can't have sex at all, and therefore can't sustain romantic relationships. I still have a sex drive, but it manifests itself as something full of guilt and horrible feelings, so I refrain from sex due to how terrible it will make me feel (and no-one wants to have sex with someone who will just cry afterwards).
This is also mixed up with feelings that people I have been inappropriate towards in the past are going to try and shame me, or make me lose my work (I work freelance) or be shunned socially, as they either don't know I'm autistic or don't see it as an 'excuse'.
I need to point out that I have never ever knowingly done anything inappropriate towards anyone, have never continued with anything sexual when someone has said they don't want to, or done anything illegal- nothing like that. Just the stuff mentioned above. I was also in a psychologically and sexually abusive relationship for a number of years (ie. i was the one abused), which has obviously made things even worse and confusing for me.
I find it hard to live like this. I can't get any therapy etc as I am on a very low income, on an NHS waiting list for CBT but doubt it will help with this particular issue. I just wondered if other people have been in a situation like this. Or if people think I'm just a bad person, how should I live my life? Should I isolate myself and not be part of any communities? I just don't understand what is expected of me, and how to ease this guilt and live normally again without the threat of someone shaming me or wanting me to suffer. I genuinely had no idea I had ever caused any of the hurt that I've caused. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it really is true. I thought I was normal.
Any help is appreciated
Observe modern feminism, victim playing, and gaslighting.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MGTOW/
What are you posting this for? No-one has gaslighted me or played the victim. I upset some people who I really cared about because I didn’t understand that my behaviour was inappropriate. I’m not interested in your misogyny, thanks.
Intimacy is complicated and it's rarely perfect - so asking NTs to pin down exactly how they feel about it afterwards will very likely get answers that you don't like. And the more you push, the worse the answer will be. It's very likely their feelings are all mixed up about it - there's often regret, shame, disgust, self loathing - so what are you looking for from them? Are you looking for some kind of certificate of competency from them? How well do you really know them before going to bed with them? How well do you think they know themselves?
But these are women who I trust and who were very kindly telling me how I made them feel. Their feelings are genuine and valid, and it hurts me so much that I hurt them. They are not trying to ‘take advantage of my naivety’- they had no idea that I was autistic, and neither did I. If they felt uncomfortable then I care about that greatly, and feel terrible about it. As I said in my OP, I have been in an abusive relationship with a woman, so I know very well what abuse looks like, and how it feels to be on the receiving end of abuse. Abusers are abusers regardless of gender- but women who feel uncomfortable in a sexual situation and speak up about it are not being abusive on any way. To automatically assume so is misogynist, and is not what I was trying to talk about with this thread.
What Plastic said.
Like Plastic said - theyre playing! So they felt uncomfortable - so what - are they snow flakes? Yes. Maybe if you had abused them in some way but you hadn't so being uncomfortable is just life.
I have mad as many if not more errors just like yours regarding this stuff. don't worry about it. I'd avoid those women though if I were you.
I think they are suggesting that the women you're dealing with are messing you around - using your good intentions and naivete against you when it suits them. It is also sometimes known as 'monkey branching'.
People can be quite horrible if it suits their agenda - and intimacy gives people a lot of power over another to use and abuse.