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Feeling like a fraud in limbo

P1nkG1n

Hi all, 

I'm 33 year old female in South Wales and currently on the waiting list for Autism Spectrum Disorder. There have been many things throughout my life that point towards having autism such as peers claiming "You're not normal!" and my response simply "Define normal" (I never did quite work that out. I would have probably classed myself as a bit of a chameleon. I got on with most people although I feel those relationships have always been rather superficial. I've struggled with poor mental health for as long as I can remember, although there have been times the pit of depression has felt like someone else lived it. Autism is something that has crossed my mind previously and online tests have usually scored me as borderline (around 7/10) although I know these are not diagnostic tools I could never understand why others would score about a 2, especially if they had weird little quirks.

Anyway, rambling away.... I moved in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. He is the one that kept on about me being "autism girl" (said playfully). I had an appointment with a Mental Health Practitioner and he did a pre-assessment where I scored 10/10. I then had to fill out a few more questionnaires to self-refer to the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) hub for an assessment. I'm aware as an adult it will take some time to be assessed. Covid-19 has not helped that.

Meanwhile I am really struggling to make sense of how I am supposed to be/act. I feel like a diagnosis makes sense so maybe I should 'claim' to be autistic and make changes where necessary. Then on the other hand I might not be and maybe I act like this "because of that thing that happened" (a traumatic event which has created some issues but no, it's ridiculous to even claim that). I feel like the masking makes sense. So do I not have to do this so much now? Or is life always going to be this tiring? I am exhausted from trying to work everything out. How do I know what is even real anymore if how I perceive things is not the way of "normal" people?

If I am not autistic then what the heck is up with me and my issues? From some things I have read/seen online I can relate. Then again I really don't have the same issues as many other people with autism. I can manage money, work, have a partner etc. doesn't everyone find life stressful? If everyone is different and has different ways to cope then do I try and keep calm and carry on? What will I gain from diagnosis? 

What even happens to get a diagnosis? Am I going to be stuck in a 2-way mirrored room whilst I play with Lego? 

So, apologies I think I just needed somewhere to try and understand what is going on. I would be grateful if anyone has any tips on dealing with the wait, uncertainty and what happens in assessment. I think it would be beneficial to understand what changes have been put in place too. 

If you got this far, well done and thanks for reading.

Parents

  • You say you can manage things in life like money, work, partner...but does any of this give you stress/anxiety? For me, I can "manage" these things in life but it comes at a cost to my mental health. Yes everyone finds life stressful, but I think when one is on the spectrum, because of different ways of thinking, it can be harder and often we don't realise this. 

    P1nkG1n said:
    I guess it feels like I'm making a claim that may not be true. Apparently I have a real issue with telling these lies

    I think I would be the same. Could this be down to traits of autism and black and white thinking...? I do feel, and can see in some people that i know, that some "neurotypical " people if they were in your shoes, wouldnt bat an eyelid about this and just come out with it then deal with the consequences later. (Like something is said as a fact when it actually isnt). But it seems there's a certain level of conscientiousness in you which means you feel uncomfortable saying something as fact which you don't know as fact.

    For work, I told my manager that "I identify with traits on the spectrum" . You're kind of in limbo at the moment like you say, but diagnostic process or not, you identify with these traits. 

    P1nkG1n said:
    Many things have happened and I now wonder if that's to do with a naivety I hadn't recognised

    I too, at the age of 35, feel a certain naiveté and I have tried to find answers for this (such as not as much worldly experience for example) but I feel like autism fits this. It's like I feel young for my age (yes lots of people do)....but I mean it in terms of being naive...it's hard to describe. But I think this also links back to finding life harder than non autistic people.

    P1nkG1n said:
    If I am not autistic then what the heck is up with me and my issues?

    I think if it comes back you are not autistic, you need to make it clear that there are things which you find difficult and are there any other conditions which it could possibly be.

    What was your main reason for starting off the diagnostic process? You need to hold onto that.  Also, you have many more months of this coming up - you need to think of ways to deal with it all because it sounds like it'll be a long process. 

    Good luck

Reply

  • You say you can manage things in life like money, work, partner...but does any of this give you stress/anxiety? For me, I can "manage" these things in life but it comes at a cost to my mental health. Yes everyone finds life stressful, but I think when one is on the spectrum, because of different ways of thinking, it can be harder and often we don't realise this. 

    P1nkG1n said:
    I guess it feels like I'm making a claim that may not be true. Apparently I have a real issue with telling these lies

    I think I would be the same. Could this be down to traits of autism and black and white thinking...? I do feel, and can see in some people that i know, that some "neurotypical " people if they were in your shoes, wouldnt bat an eyelid about this and just come out with it then deal with the consequences later. (Like something is said as a fact when it actually isnt). But it seems there's a certain level of conscientiousness in you which means you feel uncomfortable saying something as fact which you don't know as fact.

    For work, I told my manager that "I identify with traits on the spectrum" . You're kind of in limbo at the moment like you say, but diagnostic process or not, you identify with these traits. 

    P1nkG1n said:
    Many things have happened and I now wonder if that's to do with a naivety I hadn't recognised

    I too, at the age of 35, feel a certain naiveté and I have tried to find answers for this (such as not as much worldly experience for example) but I feel like autism fits this. It's like I feel young for my age (yes lots of people do)....but I mean it in terms of being naive...it's hard to describe. But I think this also links back to finding life harder than non autistic people.

    P1nkG1n said:
    If I am not autistic then what the heck is up with me and my issues?

    I think if it comes back you are not autistic, you need to make it clear that there are things which you find difficult and are there any other conditions which it could possibly be.

    What was your main reason for starting off the diagnostic process? You need to hold onto that.  Also, you have many more months of this coming up - you need to think of ways to deal with it all because it sounds like it'll be a long process. 

    Good luck

Children