Hi all,
I'm 33 year old female in South Wales and currently on the waiting list for Autism Spectrum Disorder. There have been many things throughout my life that point towards having autism such as peers claiming "You're not normal!" and my response simply "Define normal" (I never did quite work that out. I would have probably classed myself as a bit of a chameleon. I got on with most people although I feel those relationships have always been rather superficial. I've struggled with poor mental health for as long as I can remember, although there have been times the pit of depression has felt like someone else lived it. Autism is something that has crossed my mind previously and online tests have usually scored me as borderline (around 7/10) although I know these are not diagnostic tools I could never understand why others would score about a 2, especially if they had weird little quirks.
Anyway, rambling away.... I moved in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. He is the one that kept on about me being "autism girl" (said playfully). I had an appointment with a Mental Health Practitioner and he did a pre-assessment where I scored 10/10. I then had to fill out a few more questionnaires to self-refer to the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) hub for an assessment. I'm aware as an adult it will take some time to be assessed. Covid-19 has not helped that.
Meanwhile I am really struggling to make sense of how I am supposed to be/act. I feel like a diagnosis makes sense so maybe I should 'claim' to be autistic and make changes where necessary. Then on the other hand I might not be and maybe I act like this "because of that thing that happened" (a traumatic event which has created some issues but no, it's ridiculous to even claim that). I feel like the masking makes sense. So do I not have to do this so much now? Or is life always going to be this tiring? I am exhausted from trying to work everything out. How do I know what is even real anymore if how I perceive things is not the way of "normal" people?
If I am not autistic then what the heck is up with me and my issues? From some things I have read/seen online I can relate. Then again I really don't have the same issues as many other people with autism. I can manage money, work, have a partner etc. doesn't everyone find life stressful? If everyone is different and has different ways to cope then do I try and keep calm and carry on? What will I gain from diagnosis?
What even happens to get a diagnosis? Am I going to be stuck in a 2-way mirrored room whilst I play with Lego?
So, apologies I think I just needed somewhere to try and understand what is going on. I would be grateful if anyone has any tips on dealing with the wait, uncertainty and what happens in assessment. I think it would be beneficial to understand what changes have been put in place too.
If you got this far, well done and thanks for reading.