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Light bulb moment

NAS68600

After googling and reading this I need to know where to go next. I am presuming talk to GP for support but I’m not sure.

I have just read the story of autistic partner.

https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners/comfort.aspx

And to be honest it’s both of us?? I recognise those traits in both me and my husband reading this and also our parents.

Have a son with Aspergers that was diagnosed properly 4 years ago. Police were called out again to settle argument that was escalating again yesterday. It’s at least every six months for one thing or another. My boy is 16 and it’s getting really hard to de escalate incidences in general between all of us at one time or another.

 I have often thought hubby has it but now reading this I think I might also have it. For years I just thought oh that’s the way he is and gave up trying to change things and went a bit mental using alcohol as a husband filter / Things stop bothering me as much. I am glad to say I no longer have this crutch I have been completely sober for sometime now but the more time goes on the more stuff I am seeing it’s opened my eyes again. I always thought I was just a private person lol.

Anyway I’m waffling guess that’s my day planned researching stuff. Would be Grateful for any advice or similar experiences.

Thank you Blush

  • NAS68600 said:

    Have a son with Aspergers that was diagnosed properly 4 years ago. Police were called out again to settle argument that was escalating again yesterday. It’s at least every six months for one thing or another. My boy is 16 and it’s getting really hard to de escalate incidences in general between all of us at one time or another.

    Sorry to hear that, the best thing you can do is be more subtle in your approach and teach him to do the same. He can conquer his illness and make it have less of a hold on him. I am mentally ill but it does not have much of an effect on me or how i think. I believe your son can do the same. 

  • Ah, I remember watching the play version of 'The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-Time' and having a number of 'ah' moments.

    "he appears to be largely incapable of empathy and either emotional or physical intimacy" - my similar experience is with my dad to this. He was my single parent and has/had next to zero emotional connection.

    Some of my partners (all female) have been quite 'typical male autism'-like in a similar way. Very practical, hardly ever a good word about who I was/how I was. Encouragement wasn't their thing.

    Arguments I've had with partners have been very tough. I love harmony so try to explain my reasoning if we have a misunderstanding. The last two partners I've had have said I'm making excuses or being defensive and that escalates the misunderstanding to a greater degree.

    I never knew why arguments went this way when other couples would have arguments too, but not like ours, not hyper-escalating ones.

    Then this summer, I finally worked out that I'm highly likely Asperger's -and that there's a decent likelihood that one or more of my past partners may also have had features of autism/Aspie.

    The brick wall I faced with my partners is that they were never ready to ask whether they might need to self-reflect too. I had to unwillingly take all of the blame for every argument in each relationship (a period spanning over 10 years). It takes two to have an argument and I wish I could have shared some of the learning of arguments together with my partners.

    I hope your partner is not so resistant to self-reflection. If your partner is willing to accept that arguments are a two person dance, that will be a good start.

    Are you two able to talk things out ok the next day after one of these arguments?