Hey everyone! I always find it really tough to put into words how I am feeling but wanted to try using this forum and thought it might help me to share...
Ever since I was a teenager I have felt confused, detached, different, numb and a feeling that I am always on the outside looking in all the time. I have felt like everyday is a battle with something, nothing comes easy, socialising and relationships are especially hard but I feel it effects all aspects of my life and I have found that things I see others doing easily, I struggle with. I don’t understand why I struggle so much and why previous strategies that I’ve learnt through counselling etc and medication just do not make any difference.
School and University were always very difficult. I was always a very good student in school and was pretty quiet.. probably a teachers pet! I stayed in Uni accommodation for 6 months, which was tough and I felt I had nothing in common with anyone I was staying with. In the end I rang my sister in the middle of the night after getting extremely upset to pick me up and take me home as I couldn’t handle the situation, environment, people or surroundings.
It has effected my career in a sense that I can’t seem to stay in a job long, I can’t even really explain why, I just can’t seem to maintain them. I have also had to have lots of periods being signed off of work as I am unable to cope at the time with what is going on and feel overwhelmed by everything. I have always worked in jobs supporting children and young people with social/ emotional needs and SEN ( particularly Autism )
I have always had low self esteem, I have always been told and know that I seek constant reassurance with everything, this is in all my school reports from a very young age. I can’t make decisions because I don’t know what to do or how I feel. I ask my sister a lot what she would do and I tend to overlook serious red flags with people, just taking them at face value and not being able to read between the lines or understand their intentions.
I don’t feel I have an identity and I am confused about my place in the world, I feel sometimes like I don’t understand the world too. I see lots of people having friends and doing things and I feel a sense of loneliness as I wonder why I don’t have what they have, although I could have it, I just don’t and I can’t make sense of why I don’t.
I’m now 30 and have been struggling with this since I can remember, all attempts from professionals to try and help, with so much effort from me to change my thought patterns and behaviour, as advised by them, just haven’t made a difference at all. Now I am left in a situation where I feel I need to know what is going on with me so I can try and move forward with my life, have an understanding of why I feel this way, why things are so difficult and different for me, (compared to my peers,) why I tend to frustrate people and people cant understand me, why I can’t maintain relationships or make new ones and why I feel so detached and can’t make meaningful connections.
I feel I want to be able to have a family and I have been presented in the past with a foundation and opportunities to do this with decent, lovely men, however something changes in me, I feel confused and then I run away from the situation, leaving the man and my opportunity but for no solid reason. This is something that I really struggle with and that confuses me so much in my life.
I just feel that I want to know what is going on with me now and its come to a head being in the lockdown and feeling relieved to not be in the hustle and bustle of life and able to just be in my own company, not having to constantly make effort with people, conform to the social norm, not having to think ahead so much and plan everything.
Im now in the process of going through Lorna wing centre to be assessed... now my head is just full of thoughts and reflecting back on stuff. I can function and I do function but it doesn’t feel like living... does that make sense?
