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Gas lighting in a relationship

mouse2

Hi all, so my long standing relationship (my only real relationship). I've always felt anxious, confused, gradually lost who I am, at times thought that I was crazy, so much more.

I've spoken to counsellors over the years but its not helped, probably due to the fact that I havent told them exactly whats wrong as I didnt know at the time myself. I thought I was unlucky, stupid, so many things. Upon reflection, most of my huge issues come back down to this one person.

The person who I dont know if I'm coming or going, take his word that he's right I'm wrong, try not to upset as I will get the silent treatment or mean words. The times Ive tried to leave he will make it hard financially or threaten me. Hes then super sweet, like the switch of a button, says I'm too sensitive, it didnt happen etc. I have tried to work out how he switches so quickly and it does scare me. 

You know somethings not quite right but they remind you that their all you have. They make you mad with threats so you retaliate and they give you silent treatment and say things which have no answers but are threats.

I once couldnt cope with his threat so called and called but he ignored my calls. I cant cope with the unknown, I need things tied up, uncertainty makes me uncomfortbale and anxious, was he going to do what he threatened as someone would be in danger! Then he threatens to use the fact I called him so many times to prove I'm crazy to everyone, when really he had threatened me (he actually said yes but people only see me as calm and reasonable, you just react - and he smiled! (this was in the past and I forgave him! I needed to because of the treats he made)

He's actually set up a counselling session before which turned out to be fake! I called the guy out as being fake and walked out of the session. He turned out to be a known hack and was paid to say I needed hypnotherapy! (this sounds made up but sadly its not, I contacted a few people regarding this at the time as I was so mad)

I've been manipulated for 15 or so years, I was convinced it was me! I feel my ASD has been used against me, I truly do.

I'm finally getting help professionally but feel so ashamed and awful, fighting meltdown constantly.

They say I may have to move house, which will mean more change.( I like where I live as I finally have safe immediate neighbours but my husbands family live in the street so I see what their saying)

They mentioned gas lighting, my heads so confused. Abusive relationship was mentioned, I think that doesnt sound like me, I wouldnt be in one of those. I think maybe I have it wrong, Im mistaken. But I have told them truthfully what has been going on as I want help figuring things out (I wrote to the person helping me as I struggle thinking on the phone)

I have way too much empathy I have realised, is this an ASD thing too or just me? I will feel sorry for people and forgive way too easily which has happened with him but then hes also convinced me I'm wrong so I'm confused here.

Im confused why someone would behave like this, does he know how he is acting? I tell him often how I feel. 

I see now why I tried to take my life in the past.

I'm here as this is my safe space, I relate to most people here more than anywhere else. No one usually understands my struggles with people, other than on here

Has anyone else experienced this at all? A bad relationship/gas lighting or similar?

Please tell me I'm not alone and I'm not in the best place so the usual ones who post unhelpful answers I will ignore as usual

Thank you for reading

Parents

  • Luckily I don't have this with my wife or children. But with my brother in law this was clearly the case. When we made the arrangements for the funeral of my mother, the undertaker had my mom's wedding ring. I proposed to put it on my mother and bury her with it. I also brought a bible my mom kept, one with leather cover. It was dear to her. I thought it would be fitting to burry it with her.

    Both items were taken by my brother in law, he said: we shouldn't put this in her grave, what for, to feed the worms?

    I'm ok with this, the value is not so important, and my wife agrees that the jewelry should go to the daughters. Like the father's watch would go to the son, a tradition. Case close for me.

    Now I broke with the guy, and I feel better for it. My younger sister is in an institution now, somehow she put it in her head that she would like to have that ring. She called my brother-in-law and that one says he doesn't know about this ring, and to remember that I'm crazy, My wife was there, she confirms the story., 

    A similar experience, I left 2 foldable garden chairs at my mom's, I got one back from my niece, but she didn't know where the other one was. I asked my brother in law... his answer 'you accuse me of stealing, I'll call the police and have you arrested for harrasment'. I insisted, told him for that he would have to start a lawsuit, and I wasn't calling him a thief, I just asked if he knew where my chair was. He told me, the guys who came for the second hand furniture took it, I told him that was nonsense, I looked for it before they came. 

    I'm happier without him, good riddance. 

    I wish you the wisdom and strength to be able to prefer to live alone, rather than in such a relationship.

Reply

  • Luckily I don't have this with my wife or children. But with my brother in law this was clearly the case. When we made the arrangements for the funeral of my mother, the undertaker had my mom's wedding ring. I proposed to put it on my mother and bury her with it. I also brought a bible my mom kept, one with leather cover. It was dear to her. I thought it would be fitting to burry it with her.

    Both items were taken by my brother in law, he said: we shouldn't put this in her grave, what for, to feed the worms?

    I'm ok with this, the value is not so important, and my wife agrees that the jewelry should go to the daughters. Like the father's watch would go to the son, a tradition. Case close for me.

    Now I broke with the guy, and I feel better for it. My younger sister is in an institution now, somehow she put it in her head that she would like to have that ring. She called my brother-in-law and that one says he doesn't know about this ring, and to remember that I'm crazy, My wife was there, she confirms the story., 

    A similar experience, I left 2 foldable garden chairs at my mom's, I got one back from my niece, but she didn't know where the other one was. I asked my brother in law... his answer 'you accuse me of stealing, I'll call the police and have you arrested for harrasment'. I insisted, told him for that he would have to start a lawsuit, and I wasn't calling him a thief, I just asked if he knew where my chair was. He told me, the guys who came for the second hand furniture took it, I told him that was nonsense, I looked for it before they came. 

    I'm happier without him, good riddance. 

    I wish you the wisdom and strength to be able to prefer to live alone, rather than in such a relationship.

Children
  • in reply to MDC

    Hi MDC, thank you for your reply. Your lucky that you can break free from your brother in law, I dont understand what they achieve from behaving in this way. I'm sad your mom didnt have her ring and bible. I think these people are very self involved, but I'm still researching this so I'm not sure. To call you crazy is completly uncalled for, I've had these kind of names for such a long time that I believed it so I understand