Gas lighting in a relationship

Exactly where I'm at. I get so uncomfortable lying, i usually blurt out that I wasent truthful! Again not sure if its an asd thing. I think in this instance its my only plan, it doesn't make me feel any better however

Although it goes against the grain to be devious and to lie, you've got to protect yourself and carefully plan your escape route.

I think they know it works to get what they want.

What's also strange is, although I've wanted to break with him before, I would still turn to him for support, because he would often remind me of all the things he did for me, pointing out how important he is.

He would also say things like 'I got this advise from a guy that is at least as intelligent as you are'... which is basically a way to state that guy was smarter.

He would also not be able to just politely ask me to do him a favor, he would phrase a request so that I would propose to him, I guess so he was not in my debt.

He would insult me in front of people. I had crumbs from a cake on my lap and he smirked: where a DC has been eating, a bird can still have a meal. In front of 4 people with the DC-last name.

What also struck me, he would tell things in tedious detail. 

And he was in super good mood when my mother passed away. 

Hi MDC, thank you for your reply. Your lucky that you can break free from your brother in law, I dont understand what they achieve from behaving in this way. I'm sad your mom didnt have her ring and bible. I think these people are very self involved, but I'm still researching this so I'm not sure. To call you crazy is completly uncalled for, I've had these kind of names for such a long time that I believed it so I understand 

I ordered new cards and will hide them - 1 came today (and try not to forget where they are. I've been putting a few bits up for sale on facebook tonight, I will put an honesty box out for any sold items and hope it doesnt get stollen. It wont be alot but I'll hide it up. We had money from a tax return, it was to put on my credit card after it was used for an exphensive emergency. I asked tonight where the tax return went and if it was in the bank yet. He replied that it had and he had moved it. I said but it was to pay off that money we put on my credit card. He said that will have to wait. I said (I dont usually lie and feel so uncomfortable) that the rest of the money cant be paid on my credit card as its lost can we pay the bills balance from the tax money. He knows the bill must be paid so reluctently said he will move the money over. Meaning I can keep a bit more on my credit card just in case. the bill was £350

I'm trying to work out where to move to, how i can move into private rent alone. Theres not alot around at the moment. Im hoping these people will help but i wont expect too much

Luckily I don't have this with my wife or children. But with my brother in law this was clearly the case. When we made the arrangements for the funeral of my mother, the undertaker had my mom's wedding ring. I proposed to put it on my mother and bury her with it. I also brought a bible my mom kept, one with leather cover. It was dear to her. I thought it would be fitting to burry it with her.

Both items were taken by my brother in law, he said: we shouldn't put this in her grave, what for, to feed the worms?

I'm ok with this, the value is not so important, and my wife agrees that the jewelry should go to the daughters. Like the father's watch would go to the son, a tradition. Case close for me.

Now I broke with the guy, and I feel better for it. My younger sister is in an institution now, somehow she put it in her head that she would like to have that ring. She called my brother-in-law and that one says he doesn't know about this ring, and to remember that I'm crazy, My wife was there, she confirms the story., 

A similar experience, I left 2 foldable garden chairs at my mom's, I got one back from my niece, but she didn't know where the other one was. I asked my brother in law... his answer 'you accuse me of stealing, I'll call the police and have you arrested for harrasment'. I insisted, told him for that he would have to start a lawsuit, and I wasn't calling him a thief, I just asked if he knew where my chair was. He told me, the guys who came for the second hand furniture took it, I told him that was nonsense, I looked for it before they came. 

I'm happier without him, good riddance. 

I wish you the wisdom and strength to be able to prefer to live alone, rather than in such a relationship.

So he's completely painted you into a corner - totally dependent of his 'charity' to live.    Like a pet.

Looks like you need to be strong and make some big decisions!

Yes. But with no family and few friends, in a private rent and debts. Im stuck. My credit card and bank card went missing again last week and I've not left the house

And I'll bet he still ends up making you feel guilty even if you follow their instructions to the letter.  

It throws life into constant confusion, i no longer trust my instincts and find myself asking his advice 

And that's the power they love - to get you so destabilised that you're frozen.      Total control.

I think they spot 'targets' for their ways - people like us who are honest, open and trusting - and we don't question things that seem logical and plausible - until they are so many holes in the history data that we can't make sense of the whole picture - and that's when the trouble starts - but in reality, you don't actually have a relationship with this person at all - you have a false relationship with the fake person they've been pretending to be.  

Thank you plastic. Ive just watched 3 videos on YouTube by med circle, a psychologist was talking. She explained my husbands behaviour and explained my reactions! I'd started to record conversations thinking I was going crazy as he would say hes not said things that he had said! 

I also remembered he fell at work and lied to work to cover up what he was doing as to how he fell. He also lied to me! When I found out and asked why did you lie he replied because of you. You messaging me at work made me lose concentration and I fell!

So the gas lighting and narsacism described him perfectly. I need to move, change brings on my anxiety and after 15 or so years of this im riddled with self doubt which again she described in the video.

I hate change but I think I need to make the leap

It's because it's ALL about them.    You are just their plaything/victim/whipping boy.     They are sooooo self absorbed that they have a constant victim/martyr thing going on so everything gets twisted in their mind to make everyone else into the bad guy.       They are able to instantly rewrite or shuffle history on the fly to put you in the wrong - and if you explain the truth, they either attack or cut you off - so they can bad-mouth you to anyone who'll listen.       They like to separate you from any support network and trap you using their 'flying monkeys' to spread lies about you - so you are always on the defence.

Seriously - watch some of the youtubes on the subject and all will become clear.    All you can do is separate yourself from them and give NO reaction to anything they do - any reaction is what they crave/need.   Don't feed the beast and it will die.   

And yes - my sister is like it with everyone - she tries to control everyone around her - even her neighbours - until it all blows up and then she has to move house!      We're just waitnig until she falls out with her current neighbours - but I guess we'll never know if we're cut off.       She cut me off because I know too much - I am a huge risk to her - I could accidentally tell the truth to someone she's manipulating - so she needs me out of the way.....

Hey Plastic,

I dont yet understand why they act the way the do, it's so confusing to me. I'm mad that I believed it was me all of these years and actually had a kind of breakdown thinking I was such an awful person. In the past he has hurt himself and whilst doing it, smiled at me and said I was doing it to him! I was yelling and crying to stop (i cant remember the argument as that image was so shocking thats the only thing thats stuck in my mind)

The messed up part, his parents are the same as him, he is in their control. So when 3 of them constantly said it was me who was wrong, I was mad, I was insane, I was whatever (they said so many things) I believed them as 3 cant be wrong can they? Stupidly I struggled on, trying to figure myself out, work on myself, work out why I caused these things to happen. I was sucked in, I'm so mad at myself.

I read something as I'm again in the 'dog house' I noticed a loop in his behaviour. How he switches personality like a light going on and off. It puts me on edge.

I started thinking maybe its learnt behaviour from his parents. But then I remembered when we last split up. I lost our joint aquantances as they didnt know the full story and took his side.

He would see me around and make threats, I'd ask something and he would walk off leaving me yelling or calling etc wanting to know he wouldnt do that. He would leave me suffering with my thoughts and fears. He actually said to me something like (i forget the exact words) 'I dont let people know anythings wrong where as you react!'  

Our joint account was wiped, he kept the savings, expected me to pay his share of the bills.

Why do they act this way? I know that I'm way too empathic which I'm working on. 

He is always in the right, completly. I remember once he done something nasty and he just said its in the past leave it there. I replied but it was yesterday we havent talked about it. He got annoyed saying its in the past!

There's no talking, its an anxious miserable life. If i want to read (which I love,) I have to stop and do what he wants to do. Where he has ignored me up until that point to talk to his 1 friend (I have few friends but it strikes me odd his parents and he have no friends yet talk to everyone, have no social difficulties)

Is it Aspie trait then do you think to see the good in people? I struggle understanding why people are so awful.

Is your sister like this with everyone or just you? People confuse me, I will now look up some things on you tube thank you. Sorry for the random thoughts on this reply, my heads mixed up and I'm trying not to give the full story as such in case he sees my search history and guesses from the post. I guess Im just on edge

I wish he could just disappear and have zero contact in my life, but I know that he would want to destroy me with the comments and threats.

Hi Mouse - Everything you say is dealing with a classic narcissist - there's lots of psyche videos on youtube about how they function - it's worth watching a couple of them to see how your experience is not uncommon - you may even spot some other aspects of their behaviour that you didn't realise was going on behind your back.    They are nasty, nasty people - but they are always in the right so there's absolutely no way to negotiate with them - you just have to starve them of the attention and reactions they crave by breaking away.

My sister is a narcissist - I'm currently in the dog house for some reason or another - no Christmas or birthday card for me this year and no contact since October last year - but she doesn't realise that I don't give a crap.      I've had a lifetime of her sh** where she relies on my aspie good nature to forgive and see the good in people - but I know that some people have no good in them.

She's successfully disabled my 'caring' compulsion so my life is so much simpler with regards to her.      Naturally, I'm fascinated with knowing what I'm supposed to have done this time - but I'm not interested in picking that scab.

Hope you can find the strength to pull away and starve the beast.

I appreciate your reply, thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I'm getting out I just need help to do it this time. That scheme sounds interesting, I hope that you find a good couple. I've not heard of this before to be honest. It must be scarey to share a house with strangers, but then I guess theres some good people out there too

I'm really sorry you're going through all that. I don't like the sound of him. He sounds like a psychological abuser. They can be just as bad or worse than physical bullies. When they stress you out so much and you start then cracking up, and they use that to make you look like the bad one to other people. My father did many of things you've written here to me. I'm pretty sure had I had a better father I would never have got in trouble with the police or became an alcoholic. It's brave of you to write about it and I hope you can find a way forward, and I would think personally you'll be better off without him. It's scary though change, I totally relate to that. I'm going to have to move soon myself due to problems with neighbours, I'm applying to rent a room in a scheme where a person or couple takes in a disabled person who's considered to need the help. I find that a bit frightening too but sometimes life forces you into difficult situations and you seem to have to make a change just to make progress. Anyway sort to go on about myself a bit there, I really hope you find a way to get the better life you deserve.