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Desperate help needed

NAS68292

Hi everyone

I am the longstanding partner of a man nearing his 70s who has just been diagnosed with high performing ASD. His behaviours have been very difficult for me to deal with and a great number of times I have felt that I cannot live with this any longer.

We are getting counselling from an amazing counsellor who himself is on the ASD spectrum and I highly value his insight.  I have listed a number of behaviours which I have suffered at the hands of my partner over the past 31 years and he has frequently confirmed that these are behaviours typical of people affected by ASD. 

Thus for 31 years I have raised five children, three of whom were his with his late wife's, unknowing that the difficulties I was experiencing were significantly due to typical ASD behaviours.

Unfortunately my partner who is now 68 is claiming that it is too late for him to change and that I have to take it or leave it with his behaviours which have included domestic violence even before Covid.  I have nowhere else to go. My parents are long gone, and I have no brothers or sisters.  My (own) daughter is fed up with hearing my complaints about her father even though she is married to a lovely husband who himself is on the ASD spectrum but has grown up with this and has grown into a lovely husband and father to their child.  

When I met him he was recently widowed and I put a lot of the problems down to this. He was however from the outset unable to deal with his own 3 children's bereavement and this also fell on my shoulders, along with their upbringing (whilst I worked full time and did qualifications), difficult teenage, and al of llife's problems. I have supported them as well as their partners emotionally for 31 years but it is my partner who is seen as Mr Perfect as his unreasonable behaviours personal to him are addressed uniquely to me.

My question is what to do as I can't go on any longer.  I acnnot get through a day without him arguing with my opinion, my observations. I keep in touch with friends/family on Facebook as meeting them face to face is no longer possible due to his behaviour, and I was accused of infidelity just because of reading posts on Facebook.

I am accused of "never wanting it to work" after 31 years of abject misery in this relationship.

I simply cannot go on like this any longer and I am at my wits' end as to what to do.  I'm very very sorry to burden anyone reading this with my problems.

  • I know this ia a old post revived but I think I have just realised my dad was probably on the spectrum. he had pretty much all the traits you talked about . Even when my parents were in their late 70's he accused my mum of having affairs. My parents should have spilt up in the 90's but my dad was so controlling my mum never had the guts. I really hope you got something sorted out? 

  • in reply to NAS68292

    Sucked in by an ancient post again!

  • Hi I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm currently experiencing issues with my husband. Its been going on for a very long time but it feels like I have finally worked out whats happening. Its an odd feeling. How can someone who is meant to love you, hurt you over and over.

    I had to seek help, I posted on here to just vent and reach out today before I stumbled on your post. He may have other issues that arent ASD related, making him behave the way he does? 

    I hope you find a resolution that makes you happier, it will be a long journey whatever you choose

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I should say first that I am a 54 year old man with Asperger's, diagnosed only a week ago. I've been married for 25 years and have three grown up children, one of whom is also diagnosed.

    I rrally believe that you don't have to put up this. As someone else commented here, ASD is no excuse. I wanted to get diagnosed for lots of reasons but a big one was that I hope it will give me shortcuts or strategies to help with my relationship with my wife. We're in a good place lots of the time, but way too often I mess things up by misinterpreting things or not getting something. I know we could be better and I want to try. I know I'll always struggle with some things like facial expressions etc, but I'll always try to either (1) learn and get better at something, or (2) know it's beyond me and tell my wife that I need help. Easier said than done but trying is a form of offering respect in itself, even if I fail. 

    The crucial thing I'm not seeing in your post above is any acknowledgement from your partner of what you have done for him, the family, basically everyone else except yourself. It's so important to acknowledge your experience. He could easily do that. It's about validating your experience. It's not about blame, it's about acknowledgement. But also it's about thinking that change is possible, which your partner is refusing to. 

     I believe that someone with ASD can learn. By and large we (people with ASD) are pretty good at learning, changing and adapting. It's what helped many of us survive. I'm quick to imitate the way other people (NT) do things, that's the way I've learned to do most things in life that I struggle with.

    I say all that because there really is no excuse for the behaviour you describe. I'm not a counsellor but I hope that if this comes from someone who is also male, ASD etc, you might see that your partner is being unacceptable.

    Because I'm not a counsellor I can be more up front and say out right that you have more than proved you are a caring, compassionate person who has taken on huge responsibilities. You don't have to do this any longer and I would say, on behalf of ASD men who try and fail but at least try, that you need to look after yourself now.

    Just take one hour and make it your time, probably elsewhere than the home. Then a week later, take a day, and imagine what a new life would be like. Then gradually build a 'team' around you of friends, professionals, whoever, who are your safety net. And plan to make a better life.

    I really feel for you and your situation and I truly hope you have enough good people around you to give you the strength you need. Best wishes, Russ. 

  • Sounds a terrible situation.

    if you can,, let the  counselling runs its course but I think you really should nt have to endure physical abuse so I think you should look for domestic abuse refuges/charities/hotlines and see if you can get a temporary break and/or good advice on what is possible/what to do.

    Bottom line :Autism isnt an excuse for enduring violence.

  • Hi sorry I wanted to edit some bits but I can't see how. I don't want this to appear as a complaint about ASD but simply that some of the behaviours I have experienced I can no longer deal with.  Thank you so much.