A few days ago, my Mom told me that my Nan had died. And I felt nothing.
I know why I don't feel anything about her death - she'd not been a part of my life for a long time and never tried to be a part of it again.
The thing is, this is the case for a lot of my other relatives too. I have no interaction with most of my relatives - again, I'd feel nothing if I found out they'd died.
The fact that I feel nothing for one of my own relatives dying has made me realise a few things. And it's that having an unstable support network such as a somewhat dysfunctional family can have an impact on how you form and maintain relationships. I find myself grieving more over a relationship that never was. And how this will probably be something I continue to feel as I see more of the people that should have been in my life die.
As an Autistic person, relationships are already challenging enough. It's hard to form them and maintain them. So seeing so many of them crumble in front of me has made it that much harder. I think it's developed abandonment issues for me, in all honesty. So many people have left and not come back that I save myself the pain of forming new relationships just so I don't have to watch it happen again. But that just creates new pain - loneliness.
I also can't help but wonder if I wasn't Autistic and had better social skills that I could have saved those relationships. Especially because a lot of these happened when I was younger and at a time where my understanding was limited.
I imagine a lot of Autistic people have had similar experiences where so many important relationships have fallen apart and as a result felt abandoned and unloved. I've seen how I put up a barrier around myself because I don't want to get hurt again. Relationships that could flourish don't because I don't want to feel abandoned again.
I just needed to put into words how this whole ordeal has affected me. Part of me feels like I'm grieving for the wrong reasons. I don't know, I'm just confused.
