Feeling like a mess and a loser...

I will and I will use the National Autistic Society forum, Scope forum and Elefriends, as there are a lot of people that seem to have common sense and empathy. 

I know I cannot be perfect for others and be a people pleaser and be a doormat. I have a postcard that says 'Just trying to be better, not the best' and I think that will be my mantra when I eventually listen to it.

That's good that you left, right thing to do. NT people definitely handle mistakes differently to autistic people. I make a mistake and am scared of doing it again, NT people make a mistake and somehow quickly forget about it. 

Take it one day at the time. I go to a psychologist for advise like that. It seems to work. If you find a source of common sense (that's why I'm telling you, don't just take one advise from just one person, but look at more than one. 

Also important, you are your own person, don't try all the time to make things perfect for others, People don't expect others to get out of their way to help them and please them, but if they see somebody who does, they just take it for granted. It is a reality of life, and the other way, if you make it clear sometimes that you have other plans, they will respect you for this. 

I left lol. I couldn't take any more of the daily bullying, silly things like I was called fat(I'm not) they'd belittle me and berate me, pull me in for degrading talks on mistakesike id used a font they didn't like or my size of font was 11 not 12 on an email! Yet they'd rush me to complete work all of the time. NT people make mistakes but they handle them differently sometimes. I'll be worrying about this for years later where as a NT person may just worry for the day then laugh about it a year later

That's true @MDC, and thank you so much for them, but its just hard to accept it. I mean, I can definitely accept it from everyone on this forum because everyone is trying to be helpful, which I really appreciate. I just find it hard to join up the points that you have rightfully made to my brain but I hope eventually that will happen. 

You're right about the stresses due to lockdown. I'll be so happy when I start to get some more freedom from it. 

Just know that these situations can not be avoided. Accept it as a fact of life, like you need food not to be hungry and drink not to be thirsty. The flaw in your reasoning is that you think that you can actually make a difference in these things. That somehow it's your fault, you could have done something else and it would have been ok. That is not always possible. You can only act with other's needs in mind and try your best, but there will be situations where no matter what you chose to do, it will be criticised. 

I recommend this: if everybody here, or the large majority, tells you they don't see anything wrong in your intentions, and you're not to blame, then just go with that opinion and dismiss the rest. 

The rest is probably due to stress from the part of your parents and postman, who also have a hard time coping with this new situation. People are used to go to the office during the day, where they spend some time with other adults talking about stuff they enjoy, and now they're locked up with their children, who are a different generation, and have different interests. 

That's so awful what those bosses did to you and I am so sorry to hear about that. What I did was just as much of an accident as your incident was and I generally did not think that it would lead to bad consequences which I am very sorry for. And like you I do feel on edge because I do not know how long my family will be angry for what I have done. I don't think NT people fully understand how autistic people can make mistakes that NT people would never have thought of.

How did you resolve your situation, if you did at all? Hopefully things got better for you. 

I dont think its such a mess, it was an accident. I once done something similar. I had awful bosses that bullied me. I had been writing in a notebook about my life and troubles, why I thought I was autistic really, ready to give to the doctor as I have trouble explainng in person. I accidentally picked up this book with work related books and not only took it into work but left it on my desk! Being the awful people they were, they riffled through my stff that night, as I would notice when things had been moved around and they'd even left rubbish on my desk!

 I felt on edge for so long afterwards

I certainly have a place to vent my emotions and I really appreciate that people are willing to give me an opinion about it. 

That is certainly true about the difference between autistic people and NT people. I certainly want clear guidelines and if there is no perfection than that's awful.

I do care about others but I tend to do the wrong thing that makes it look like I don't.

That's true about postmen and I am sure that this would happen even more in this pandemic. I just wished I didn't make that mistake in the first place so they did not do that default action. 

Hi,

That's okay. I really appreciate that you are trying to help, and I'm really sorry if I came across as harsh. 

Thank you for explaining about the shared victory, I will look at Giraffe Language and the weblink that you have sent me. 

You found a place here where you can vent these stories and get an opinion from others about it. 

I think what sets us apart from NT people is that we tend to look for perfection and clear guidelines that foresee all situations, where in reality lots of unexpected combinations happen. 

You have your heart (intentions) in the right place in these stories, you care for the needs of others, that's ok. 

Postmen tend to be under lots of pressure to finish their rounds in time, and some of them if they're running late will just put that note in the mailbox as a default action.

Hi

I'm sorry if it wasn't much help.  I was just trying to give even 1% help.  The shared victory just means that if it ends peacefully, and a conflict doesn't escalate, no one loses.  I have to let go of my need to win / do the right thing a little.  Sometimes I don't . I don't mean become a doormat or a victim, but think  "what is the nonviolent way out?"  I am practising "Giraffe Language" to lower the conflicts in my life.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

I think I will try to laugh it off as a mistake but it is quite hard to do that when my parents say they wanted to kill themselves over this. I tried to say that this was a while ago but they did not like that because they said 'well how was I meant to know?'.

I can related to the examples that you have mentioned. It is true about the postmen, most of the deliveries at my house have been left at the door because delivery men wanted to maintain social distancing. So how was I meant to know? I will treat the situations though as if I was having a social life. It's just very hard. 

You are right about journals. I suppose I thought that I could help my sister and get rid of the journal, but I did cause the grey zone which started this mess.

That is true about trying to keep my sister entertained. But hopefully that won't be a problem as much because my parents won't need the wi-fi as much in a few weeks (summer holidays). 

I did have a reasonable reaction to the postman but the parents just responded with 'I am not near the door and clearly the postman did not - don't justify!' But how can I explain myself otherwise?

I do not know if they picked up the parcel yet as I am worried to ask. It is definitely a grey zone, damned if I do and damned if I don't, definitely like a comedy show. It wasn't laziness or being annoying but they think it is. 

I do have to think harder than an NT person because I live predominantly in an NT world so I cannot avoid these types of situations, but I will try to think of me and not let it affect my day unless I have to think about it. 

I have done both of those things Contrapuntal. I want to do a short and effective reply but either people get annoyed because they do not make sense or give the full explanation that they want. I have anxiety as well as autism. I have that underlying need to win/do the right thing but it never works. How does it become a shared victory by being peaceful?

I seem to end up in situations like this too. The first one is like an embarassing mistake and these happen to everyone. I would probably just try and laugh it off like "I can't believe I wrote that" or treat it like a joke instead of something serious.

The second situation I often find myself doing stuff like this. An example could be me avoiding putting the glass into my recyling bin (which makes a big noise) because I don't want to annoy the neighbours or talk to them, ignoring a phonecall because I don't want to talk (I also done this at work when no one was in the office), in that situation as well as yours you can think of it as if we were out having a social life the result would be the same. It's very common for postmen to not wait for people to come to the door anyway

Journals are personal, lesson for you: don't give them to anybody if you want to keep them for yourself. You do have the right to have a journal, and nobody should read it, but it gets a bit grey zone if you hand it to somebody else...

But also, don't be too hard on yourself, your parents should also do some parenting and get something for your sister to be entertained while they are using up all the wi-fi bandwidth. You're a good person for wanting to share your stuff with your sister to help out, that offsets some thoughts you might have had in the past. 

On the thing with the postman, objectively, what you did is just fine, you had a very reasonable reaction to this. You can say that out loud, it would probably be better if next time you would just state 'before the postman used to put the package in front of the door, just didn't want to make noise to disturb your meeting'.

But also, they probably are annoyed now because they have to go to town tomorrow to pick the parcel, and that's why they look for scapegoats. It's a human thing, it's not your fault, let that be cristal clear, it's a grey zone. Next time you'll open the door and they'll be annoyed because you made noise... it's one of the jokes of life, if you look at it like a comedy show, you'll probably enjoy it more.

An NT person would not even think so hard on a solution to make this situation 'avoidable'... we can't avoid such situations, you did well, on both occasions, don't let it disappoint you or spoil your day!

I have, and I often storm out or go mute. But I'm trying and occasionally I manage a short and effective reply that defuses the rows. I'm trying and maybe one in 20 times it works. If it semi works I try and do it better next time. What's interesting is that they don't see me as weak if I go for the peaceful option.

All my life I try to win conversations. Probably because the internal struggle makes me need a victory.

But the victory should not be over the other person. It should be a shared victory. Otherwise they will be my opponent forever. My opponent is anxiety. 

I have got the entire message now, thank you :). I am trying to practise your suggestions in front of the mirror but I feel nervous about taking them out and putting them in front of my family, because I have tried similar techniques in the past and they still insist on behing angry at me or they think I am being manipulative by making them feel bad. I want to try very hard with this, I really do, but I have issues with flight and freeze which can prevent me being communicative. Have you had any issues with that?

Yes, I know what you mean . I also edited my comment more now, because my IP address is dynamic and it logs on and off this site.   So i always have to post a bit then add more if it's a long post otherwise I lose everything i've typed..  There now I'm explaining everything too :-)