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I can't/won't listen

TBC

Hi all!

I am 34 and diagnosed with ASD as an adult.  I am finding lengthy video calls for work extremely difficult as I find it almost impossible to listen beyond a few minutes.  It brings to mind all my experiences of school which was very much 'chalk and talk'.  I would get very angry at the teacher for talking and talking and would try to turn by brain off or distract myself by doodling etc.. As I got older at school sometimes I would leave the classroom or truant.  As an adult, on video calls where I am being passive, it takes huge effort to remain engaged in what is being said and I end up getting so frustrated that I do things like dig my nails into my arm to keep myself focused.  In larger meetings online I turn the camera off briefly so I can move around which relieves some of the frustration.  I don't have so much of a difficulty concentrating if it is a to and fro conversation. After calls, I feel totally exhausted from the effort of concentrating and often need a power nap before I can do anything else.

Does anyone have any experience of this or an explanation as to why this might be?  I am broadly considered bright and competent so it is difficult to tell others how much of a challenge this is for me because I feel like I'm being a poorly behaved child!

  • in reply to mouse2

    Ha ha ha!

    That's a good strategy!

  • in reply to Contrapuntal

    I'm going to try the doodling.  I think, will all those faces staring back at me, I feel like I'm being watched and try very, very hard to 'be normal', look like I'm listening and not fidget, when actually I listen a lot better if I'm not looking at people and I'm fidgeting! 

  • in reply to TBC

    I'm not totally sure to be honest, I'm still trying to work things out at the moment. I definitely do have trouble tuning out background noise and my neighbours have been pretty noisy so that doesn't help.

  • urgh zoom is awful! I usually have my phone out of camera shot and if its too much i just look up stuff on there, or read. I just listen every now and again. If they say are you listening? throw in I'm sorry the sound went then lol

  • in reply to AJ

    I go and get tea during the call :-)  luckily we had overload issues on the (international) calls and had to stop using video so that everyone could stream the audio without problems. So i just mute myself and fetch a drink when it's getting too much. I also doodle like crazy and many people think i'm taking avid notes, unless they see the doodle.

  • in reply to AJ
    AJ said:
    They also occasionally have been doing larger group video chats just for fun... but I haven't gone to any of them because it sounds like my idea of hell! 

    Mine too!  I cannot imagine why anyone would do a video call recreationally ha ha ha! 

    Why do you think it is that you struggle to keep focused?  Is it an auditory processing issue do you think?

  • in reply to Distincthowler

    Thanks so much.  I actually referenced the article you mentioned in conversation with my boss yesterday - he said he was really struggling with video calls because he doesn't know when it's his turn to talk and we had a good laugh about how he's been given an insight into my world. Unlike the author, I find the situation just compounds the usual difficulties I have with social interaction and the distinct pressure I feel to stay still and listen and resultant anxiety is very similar to what I experienced as a child at school. I was prone to chewing at school, the toggles on my coat, pencils etc. and I would be told off for this and told I was disgusting. The effort of NOT chewing and listening at the same time took up almost all my reserves and there was very little left for learning. It's little wonder then that I ended up first a smoker and now vape!  

  • I have weekly video team meetings too, luckily just a small team and we don't go that far off topic but it is still a struggle to keep focused for what can be an hour or more. I usually take a 10 minute break after the call to get a cup of tea and "recharge" before getting stuck into my work. 

    They also occasionally have been doing larger group video chats just for fun... but I haven't gone to any of them because it sounds like my idea of hell! 

  • in reply to TBC

    I'd echo what Symon said and see if this is something you can get resolved as a reasonable adjustment.

    I also find video harder simply because if is harder to interpret their facial expressions than a face to face discussion and that is already difficult enough!

    Zoom and other video calls are tiring for NT's as well, I read an article where the writer was autistic. They compared a Zoom call experience for a NT to be similar to a normal conversation for some one with ASD in terms of understanding other participants and the effort required to engage.

    http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2020/04/zoom-fatigue-taste-of-autistic.html?m=1

    I think I got the link off this forum somewhere. It's a little off topic but may be something to consider when trying to get your point across to your manager.

  • in reply to Distincthowler

    The background noise is certainly an issue.  It’s unbearable! I also find the pressure of having to sit still and being watched by my colleagues very difficult in a way I don’t in face to face meetings where it’s a sea of faces staring at you. 

  • I find zoom meetings to be very chaotic as focus moves from participant to participant. Sometimes background noise actually dominates so I hear one person but see someone else.

    At work however we use MS Teams and don't use video at all. I find that a lot easier but still struggle in longer meetings.