Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I’m hoping for some guidance as I try to understand more about my partner and his condition.
My partner has been told he’s autistic by professionals but has chosen not to seek any help. He’s a wonderful man and we have been together 3 years and have a child together. He struggles on a daily basis with his autism (has difficulty adjusting to new situations and changes in routine) and he has opened up very little to anyone that he has autism and therefore gets no support and along with that I have little support when things go wrong.
The difficulty I’m experiencing is his anger. Very trivial things will make him escalate very quickly to extreme anger which results in him raising his voice, swearing and hitting things (not me but objects). Along with this it often results in him shutting down and not talking to me for hours if not days and/or threatening to leave. At times he is threatening with ultimatums but he genuinely doesn’t seem to see that this is not acceptable behaviour and he often will only consider calming down if I apologise. Often this starts from very minor points like changing the plans of the day or a minor comment I barely even register myself.
I don’t want to sound like I’m criticising my partner as he is a wonderful and accomplished man when not behaving this way. The struggle is he has no bar on his anger, even when other people can hear or our children are home (we have two older children separately).
I’m trying hard to ignore some of the behaviour to prevent these mood swings but in that I’m losing a little of my own self which isn’t the solution. Does anyone else encounter this with their autistic partner and how do they deal with it? Are there any techniques anyone can suggest to diffuse the situation? The anger tends to come on so quickly that I get caught out and then he’s unable to talk through the situation. Any help would be appreciated as I want to support him and help out relationship,
thank you
Hi
While I've managed to get through life and cope, over the last 10 years I've got busier with work, the family got bigger and took a couple of responsibilities outside of family and work, all of this contributed to make me worse, no time to wind down and even when I did, often I'd spend the time dwelling on unresolved issues. Lots of meltdowns. It came to a head while I was going through diagnosis. with an ultimatum from my wife: "If it wasn't for the pandemic I'd suggest you go back to your mum and dads". I'd took my eye completely off the ball and let things get so bad with meltdowns at home. It left me feeling very depressed but ultimately I knew I had to do something about it if I wanted to remain with my wife and children.
Alright, I know that your partners situation is not mine but like some of the other fine people here have said, your partner needs to have the revelation that it is in his power to make it work.
I've heard that ASD being likened to special abilities: "What's your super power?", well Peter Parker says "with great power comes great responsibility" If that's good enough for spider man, it's good enough for me.. I don't know where your partner sits on the spectrum but if he has a job and has been and is in a relationship I feel that he has the ability to be more self aware of his traits and be made aware of the potential damage his meltdowns cause to you and the rest of his family and make adjustments.. It obviously hurts but you care enough to come here to ask for help.
As to your own self worth: You deserve to be happy too, don't ever forget it.