Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
For as long as i know, i've always been this way!....over analysing matters....whittling things down till theyre no longer there almost....exhausting matters to oblivion...Its the complete taking apart!
I have learnt some techniques to reduce this...but ive had countless people throughout my life(before i was diagnosed) stating " you never believe anyone" "you think youre so clever, why do you pretend to be intelligent" ....I think this last comment is a mistake on their parts as thats not what im doing....but it must come across to NT's as pomp and ego.....to keep chipping away at a matter.....but it seems to be an ocd funk i cant get off...Its really annoyed alot of people throughout my life...including myself.
I find it hard to have faith in things....if that makes sense!....i always seem to have deep seated doubts...and thats what leads me(i believe) to chip away at every angle on a matter to see if it will stand true...
Im convinced this exhausts me mentally(i obvious conclusion i know) but its only just dawned on me at 51yrs old, that it fatigues me so much!
And without going down the( proverbial rabbit hole ), its really all fear!...
Doubt and feeling that i have to check matters are real and wont hurt me....anxiety !..
Yes, I can relate to that..
I analyse just about everything to death. The worst are upcoming social situations where I try a predict what will happen and rehearse my actions. It's simply the way I am wired and explains why I dont like change or the unexpected! It also makes me fret and worry and in certain social situations (where I have no control eg a noisy cafe or a busy shop) I can get quite "snappy". So it was hardly a surprise when I was diagnosed last year at 55 :(
Diagnosed last yr at 51....(I'll be 52 july 16th this yr)
The joke is that I had never heard of Aspergers 5 years ago, when my wife said that she thought our son might have it, after reading about in in the Internet. Its turns out he did and was diagnosed through CAMS (NHS). Even then, it took me a while to wonder if I might have Aspergers, because he seemed to have classic traits eg very sensitive to certain pain, obsessed about the Weather, walking on tip toe, cutting labels out of clothes, restricted diet, lack of eye contact and appearing rude & unsociable.
I only made the connection after watching the channel 4 "Are you Autistic" documentary and later on, getting generally more stressed and anxious with life and particularly work (which should be easing as you get older).
My GP said, that when we were younger, these Conditions were unheard of, and Aspergers could possibly explain why my anxiety was getting worse (for no apparent reason) while the medication had less effect. Turns out he was right, but he had to refer me to a private Psychiatrist as after 6 month's he couldn't find anyone, to look over the 8 pages of notes I took about my life history and my "quirks" as I put it. I did not think I had Aspergers but maybe some Anxiety Disorder and was completely surprised when the Psychiatrist said he was 95% sure I had Aspergers.
He would have written a diagnosis letter there and then, but because I had issues at work, he said a formal assessment would carry more weight. I had this including an ADOS assessment. The GP visit started in November 2018 and wrote my notes for a second visit a few weeks later. I remember feeling very anxious in the waiting room, thinking that I was a fraud and wasting the GP's time - I nearly left!. I went back in February 2019, but he hadn't been able to find anyone to look at my notes to see if there was a problem worth investigating. So I had to go the Private route... £350 for a 1:45hr session with the Psychiatrist. £280 for an initial consultation with the Psychologist and £1500 for the full assessment. I think it was money well spent, although I often wonder (as I did at the time), what if the Psychologist diagnosis disagreed with the Psychiatrist?
And of course, you are filled with regret on how things might have been different if I could have been diagnosed as a child and received some therapy. Over the years I have "learned" to be sociable in 1:1 situations but struggle in larger gatherings-I just switch off basically. I often complain to our Aspergers son, that he really needs to make an effort to be more sociable!! - otherwise he will have a lonely life?
It is a very common marker. It was exactly why my GP suggested an underlying mental disorder and suggested further investigation :)