Suppressing self harm

Hi Triniti, thank you for your reply. The urge has passed but I'm still not in a great place annoyingly. I hope you're well

Hi mouse, so very sorry to hear your going through all this. If typing helps then type away, I learned that it's better to have your thoughts and feelings out in the open rather than keep them locked away.

We're all here to listen and support you.

I know about self harming, I used to bite my hands to pieces. That was a long time ago and now I don't do it, I think it on really bad days but I haven't done it for about three years.

Sending you hugs.

T.

You're welcome.    I think a lot of the feelings are caused by having no possible escape available.    Even after weighing all of the odds, you're stuck in the same position with nowhere to go.      I was in a situation where I was stuck doing things for everyone else at unbelievable cost to myself.        My only 'escape' was letting my body collapse.    

I hope you can sort out the jumble.

I'm not self harm fixated now but my brains still thinking of my mistakes on a loop which is sheer torture. Thank you plastic for the replies 

I used to cut myself but the last time was a long time ago though sometimes it is more difficult than other.  I have scars which I think are very noticeable, but only once has someone mentioned them, that was a nurse in A&E after a very minor motorcycle accident.

After coming out as trans I assumed the reason I did it was partly because of hating the body I have.  But you saying it is something which happens when "really distressed" reminds me of times when I did it for that reason, that were nothing to do with my body.  So I guess I do not know why I did it.

But I understand the sense of relief it brings.  Maybe you need to find something safer that can cause the same sort of feeling.  Maybe like painfully loud music or something else which can have overload and numb the senses?

I'm sorry i wrote such an abrupt comment, I was interrupted and someone was in the room.   What I was going to say that it seems to have a role that can be comforting (but is a false comfort).  So, if i am triggered by something or other, I don't know how to deal with the feeling, and I don't want to have a meltdown as it's not appropriate, and I maybe can't shut down, due to circumstances, so I self harm as it brings a "conclusion" of sorts to the pathway.    It therefore brings a relief but it's not good for me because i never deal with it.     For me , the autistic part is possibly the severity of alexithymia which could prevent me expressing myself in better ways, and the fact that I have learned limited ways out except meltdown, shutdown, self harm. 

Exercise is a really good solution, but i have a job and a partner so I have to exercise at certain times which isn't necessarily the time I get triggered.   When the lockdown eases , I hope to go swimming as it's also got a hypnotic kind of therapy that I find helpful. 

Are you ok now?     Are you able to calm down?      Has it 'cleansed' you?

What's more annoying is we know we have this huge vulnerability to anyone who chooses to exploit it.       It's like we're missing our ribcage so anyone who chooses can just grab and squeeze our hearts for their own sport.   For a giggle.    Or like The Ood from Dr Who - totally vulnerable - for no reason.

I used to *know* that everyone was basically good inside - my naive aspie programming.

Now I've learned after 50 years that most people are just plain horrible - selfish, nasty azzholes and in reality, there are very few honest, nice people out there.       Which is kinda depressing.

Completly that, my brains a hazy, jumbled mess and I cant get my words to Express how I truly feel. So frustrating. I hurt my wrist, I cried alot and I'm exhausted now. Round and round it goes :( why are humans so cruel to one another

I'm truly sorry for this. It's a horrible thing to battle with

Hi, I have periods of self harm which I won't describe but I am sure it is due to abuse from a family member as a child. I learned to hate myself and abuse myself.

I've never really figured out how much this has to do with autism, except that it's an outlet for neural processing,like a circuit breaker, that I seem to need. 

I have to add that while this is happening, I'm sickened by my own brain - it's lack of ability to fight my corner, the stupid rules that I abide by that no-one else does, the rigidity of my logic when all around me are lying to my face.       I'm a super qualified engineer capable of changing the world - but getting bullied by an incompetent mental pipsqueak and let down by a company that is simultaneously telling everyone how wonderful they are with inclusion and empowering disabilities sorta grates.....

Yes - I find that the more pressure and stress I'm put under, the more my brain jams up with all of the things I should say and my vocabulary reduces down to just two words shouting louder than all the others - and one of those words is OFF!      

But I'm trapped in the aspie compulsion to do the right thing so I can't say what I need to say - so I stay mute and I can feel my body start to break down internally.    I go into flares where I bleed internally - it's my body's way of getting me out of situations where I'm trapped by logic so I can't remove myself - it 'self harms me' until I have to get away from the source of stress (get signed off sick).

Do you think it's an ASD thing to not know how to stop things or just me being stupid and weak? I'd ask them to stop I'd tell my husband. They all say it's in my head, I'm too sensitive etc etc I know from counselling it wasent and it was terrible treatment

Thank you plastic. It brings self loathing, fear, hatred I put up with it and didn't know how to stand up for myself. Just ended up repeatedly hitting my wrist on the wall as couldnt bottle it up anymore :( it's been years now I still struggle so much. Feel trapped and lost

Hi Mouse

You are exactly where I was a few years ago.       I was trying so hard to be correct and perfect (because it's the right thing to do) that I just couldn't process the horrible ways people used and manipulated me - even when I begged them to stop - and they made out I was in the wrong!.

It causes me problems even today-  I'd guess most people would class it a ptsd.

I immediately flashback to a Star Trek Next Gen episode where Data builds a daughter and they are both subjected to horrendous abuse that is all completely logical so they are forced to comply by their internal rules.       Eventually, the daughter android self-destructs and he just has to be ok with it.        Logic trap.

It's the same where you are forced to be abused by your in-laws by the person who should be protecting you from them.      Been there, had that (in a work environment).

Try to be strong - the feelings eventually fade so they're less intrusive - time does heal if its allowed to.

The best I can do is send a virtual hug.