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Facebook and issues with not having lived the life many seem to have lived.

AlwaysIS

I try not to look at FB too much, but due to fully knowing  i am different (diagnosed officially 2018) im 51-52 in july this year!

This isnt a violin sessions but ive had a pretty awful life....from my own hands and others.

I like to think that had i had guidance and known i was Autistic way back...i wouldnt have ended up being so isolated.

Had a major breakdown after leaving school....this coincided with my parents break up ,i was 17yrs old)(just to briefly mention, they really did mental abuse me, and my father physically) they always said i was strange and would end up alone...they really did, YET they never once took me to a specialist.

So around 1986 i self harmed and was sections for 2 weeks....even the A&E guy said" dont admit yourself.....youll regret it ," i sense he knew i was crazy, but had some kind of condtion.

I could go on and on, but ive literally had no friends since school(in truth, i should never have been in a mainstream school)....other than partners one 10yrs and the other 18yrs(both were conveniences and in truth, it was for isolated company...i desperately wanted to try and be normal and really shouldnt have had  children though i love them very much....i made things far worse by trying to fit in.

im now living alone in a Bungalow after my recent separation and ,my son is also Autistic(had Adhd,vacant seizures,Epilepsy) and a daughter.

They do not contact me, but i go over to them once a week..

Now the reason i mention Facebook, is i can see many people i knew from school..ALL having a great time(im certainly not saying theyve had easy lives) but the sheer fact that theyre all in groups, holidaying together....Family meals, outings etc!

Yet ive never had this as i was fully ostracized by anyone i knew(including especially my family) since 1986....Other than my partners from 1990-2018  ,,,,ive technically only known 2 peoples within 30 yrs...

I also know that much of facebook in some senses is illusionary ...a picture doesnt always tell the facts....as i see my family on there all smiling yet i know what they have all said about eachother...

Im not totally sure why i've posted this, but im in a bit of a muddle with keep looking at FB from time to time as in my mind..im just ruminating at how odd i am and just feel a bit loathsome at present

Parents

  • Hi

    You appear to be going through a kind of grieving process for the life you never had - but FB is the worst place to look for comfort - it's totally fake!       People (NTs) only ever show the positives in their life so for every fake, photo-shopped positive, there'll be a hidden negative that is eating their soul.      They live a life of shiny surfaces, a new car, flashy holiday, big house - but you don't see them in tears every month trying to make the credit card payments.      

    You sound like you need to speak to someone about all this but it's difficult because our openness with talking about negative things (compared to NT's secrecy) instantly get us labelled as depressed - an easy catch-all diagnosis that shoves you onto someone else down the line - eventually - or just given a load of pills and told to go away.          Your gp may be able to help if they are autistic-aware.

    You seem smart and self-aware enough to understand your situation - so what do you actually want to do?       Are you looking to move forward and maybe cultivate a bit of a social life?         What interests do you have?      I find the more strange and nerdy hobbies are infested with undiagnosed auties/aspies so are really comfortable places to be - and they are totally accepting of whoever you are - even if you just want to sit in silence and absorb a bit of the atmosphere.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Such a well written response from Plastic. I relate to most of what you have written AlwaysIS! apart from the friends in school. I would be alone or flit amongst people hanging around them but still an outsider. My mum was abusive, dad wasent about very much. They split when I was 16. Both went to persue new lives, leaving me to fend for myself. I'd love friends but I find them so hard to work out. What I've believed to be friendship in the past, turned out not to be anything of the sort.

    I enjoy going to see music play and I sit at the back just taking it in on my own. I would love a nice coffee shop/book shop where I could sit and read peacefully and not be harrassed. Is there such a place lol

  • in reply to mouse2

    I also had very similar parenting!....And yes....where on earth is that coffee shop...lol ive never found it myselfThumbsup

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