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Rewinding all conversations and feeling guilty

NAS67092

Hi, 

I'd like to ask for your help. I tend to rewind every conversation I have with non-family both on the phone and in person. Sometimes this makes me so sad if I discover I might have offended someone. Is this normal for someone on the spectrum? I feel guilt and sometimes I excessively apologise and people say they don't understand why I say sorry. Based on my observation, they think my reaction is not appropriate for the situation. I don't think they understand why I feel a need to be this way and they don't think my apology is genuine. I want to figure out what the root cause of this is. I have come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of people getting offended because I am afraid that would make them very sad and they would think I'm a bad person but I only have this with people who are colleagues and strangers, not family members. Is there something I can do to fix this?   

  • NAS67092 said:
    Is this normal for someone on the spectrum?

    I'd think it's quite common. Autistic people often have a big reaction to something that other people might not even notice.

    If you haven't yet seen or been told what an 'appropriate' reaction is (as judged by other people), it's not your fault. Do you wait for someone to actually express hurt before apologising, or ask if you have hurt them?

    Being considerate to other people is good. But you're not worth less than them, so you can be considerate to yourself too.

  • This is something I used to do all the time - and now don't do (hardly ever) ..

    .. so what changed ..

    .. for me a pivotal book was : "I'm OK - You're OK" by Thomas Anthony Harris

    .. (Here's a good description: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_OK_%E2%80%93_You%27re_OK)

    .. this book describes in a wonderfully simple diagram that it can be easy to cower in the "I'm not OK - You're OK" state (abused children, bullied adults & it seems ASD/AS people often find themselves here)

    .. I spent an age here because I was afraid of doing or saying anything that would result in people not liking me .. (this has been a terrifying spectre for more of my life than I care to remember) ... 

    .. a notion in the book is that a person can only move one quadrant at a time - so moving directly to "I'm OK - You're OK" would be ideal but more than a little difficult for many  (including me) .. 

    .. the other route is to find ways to reduce or even remove the power of the other person/persons

    .. this might move you to the quadrant: "I'm not OK - You're not OK" - which is a dangerous place to linger .. dark thoughts abound here

    .. and the next move is to bolster your own self esteem to the point where you can feel less affected by the other person and proceed to : "I'm OK - You're not OK"

    .. a mantra that I've found useful to get to this point is "Who gives a f*ck" and "I don't care." .. :-)

    .. from that quadrant I have experimented, over a long time period, with stepping into the last quadrant: "I'm OK - You're OK" .. and then stepping back (all right sometimes into one of the other states as well ..)

    .. now, happily I find I'm pretty comfy in "I'm OK - You're OK" for most of the time

    .. it's taken a long time - but I don’t go over conversations endlessly any more and I can just let things go

    .. and I guess I've got a lot better at not beating myself up .. 

    [I’ve never written all that down before, and one of the fantastically useful things about this forum for me is having the opportunity to tell my story .. so thanks for reading this far .. ]

  • Hello

    the only reason i haven't replied is because there is a very similar thread posted a few days ago. So, yes I do this, several of us have been chatting on the thread that our thought loops drive us mad.  Anyway I just wanted to make you feel welcome :-)  

    My own answer on this is that I can't stop the thoughts.  They occasionally help me to resolve something,  Based on that (maybe 1% of cases) somehow i justify to myself that it is always worth being awake every night doing thought loops.  Well, we know it isn't and the sleep stolen by them is crippling. 

    I reckon there is more help out there than we know of  - maybe hypnosis techniques etc- or something else. We can't change the past and we can't do much about someone's opinion of us, even if it is wrong. the control freak in us wants to.  That is my battle.    The answer, however much I hate to hear it, is some kind of mindfulness training where I learn not to care.  One day I will learn this.