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Relationship help!

E

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to find out whether other ASD people have suffered/suffer with similar relationship problems that I have and if there are any tips that people would like to pass on?

I found the most perfect woman who really supports, cares and loves me, and we are both doing our PhDs on similar subjects. We were together for nearly 2 years but recently I've found I can't cope with my worrying and I had to leave.

Worrying including:

-What If I'm not bisexual/gay (All my previous relationships have been with men)

-Sometimes my libido is zero... does this mean I'm not attracted to her, then this leads back to the first bullet point

-I have images in my head where I am single, wearing nice clothes, going on dates with men... I've had these images in my head for a long time, and I feel as though i have to pick between the life these images connote and the life with my girlfriend. This is very difficult to overcome.

My past three relationships have ended at exactly 18 months with the same worries shown in these bullet points, and I can't cope. Currently, I feel as though I could live in my childhood bedroom with my cat and be happy.... but I'm 100% sure this is not the case! 

I'm wondering whether these recurring problems are something that will always be there and I have to learn how to overcome them or whether it just means my bestfriend/girlfriend was not the one and this is normal.

Thank you so much for reading this!

  • It sounds like you might be someone who benefits from taking breaks when needed, rather than completely breaking the tie completely, which causes suffering? I say this, as you have mentioned this seems to be a repeating situation, in your relationships. Maybe, as stress/tension builds and since you question yourself, it's a sign that you simply need time away from each other. This woman sounds like someone who was very good for you, and you for her, and ALL relationships can benefit from breaks. Absence can definitely help to clarify feelings and confusion and help you realise what you really want.

  • This may seem like putting your leg in plaster because you’ve grazed your knee, but if it were me I would speak to a psychotherapist. I just get the feeling there is a lot going on in what you say, and if it’s becoming a cyclical event it needs unpicking properly. I’m really lucky I found and amazing psychotherapist a few years ago and it changed my life. Now I just check in with her every so often just to keep things on a level.

  • in reply to __Pathfinder__

    Thank you for taking the time to reply!

    Overthinking, that's my middle name. i was seeing a counsellor for my low self-esteem and overthinking! These problems have landed me in hospital for weeks on end!

    I feel as though I just don't know enough and I think im always going to seek reassurance. I would love to not have to seek reassurance for my feelings... maybe that will come with age or as the relationship progresses... right now i feel very immature.

    I'm going to see my doctor to change my medication as this is known to have an effect on the libido too.

    I really want to learn what it means to be in love, as a definition, just so i can be sure!

    I think she may be my soulmate

  • While I dont have specific advice for you, I do think you are overthinking it.  What you need to ask yourself is this?

    Do you love the person?
    Are you happy in this relationship?
    Do you see yourself being with this person for the rest of your life (or at least a year)?

    Dont ask yourself are you gay/bi.  Its a label.  I think sexuality can be very fluid.  I dont really go for set definitions.  Other wise you end up with conundrums like, iif my girlfriend was previously a man who changed sex does that make me gay.  I think its better to just move to the most basic questions.  Do you like them, do they treat you well, do you see a future with that person.  If you can answer yes to those questions then take happiness over any label.  If at the same time you are a person who defines sexuality strictly, then you may never be able to accept the situation and will have to move on.

    I wouldnt worry about zero libido either.  Everyone gets it from time to time.  If we were all on full power constantly the world would be complete chaos.  I find it ebbs and flows.  Some days im raging homronally and other days its cold shower level.  Other things in your life like stress and lack of sleep will affect it too.

    But be aware, true happiness in a relationship is not found often in life.  I tend to think you should grasp it when it comes.  Regrets consume the soul.